Hi Claudia, Welcome to JustAnswer. I'm a licensed veterinarian and I'll be happy to help. My heart goes out to you in your grief over Gizzy. Especially after 17 years and with her being your only pet and immediate family member, your feelings a very valid. . .I know how much you miss her!!!! Too. . .it is often difficult to find the support and understanding we need from the people around us, as they don't understand the loss of a pet as well as the loss of a human. It is the same and sometimes losing a pet is even more devastating because they give us such unconditional love!
I'd like you to know, that guilty feelings are a normal part of grieving. You are normal!
I also want to tell you, that anytime an animal is having labored breathing, there is usually a disease process that cannot be cured, especially in a geriatric pet. Such a disease might be manageable for a brief time, but during that management an older dog wouldn't have the same quality of life that she had before the illness, and indeed may experience severe stress or even pain.
Your vet listened to Gizzy's chest and probably heard a heart murmur and even an irregular heart beat. She also probably heard fluid in Gizzy's lungs which is caused by heart failure and does lead to restlessness and breathing difficulties. Essentially, the heart failure is like a slow drowning. Because of what your vet heard, she had a very good indication that this was Gizzy's problem and knew that for a definitive diagnosis Gizzy would have to endure some pretty rigorous tests and that even if some treatment were possible, it would help very little and for only a very short time.
Thank you. That's kind to tell me that. I feel like I'm so alone. I still have all her things around. I have her bed out still and her biscuits. I can't move anything because then its so final. I am so heart broken. I think if she had died in her sleep I might have come to terms better although still devastated. Because I had to make the decision I feel like I killed her. I'm crying now writing this. She was my world.
My most difficult time in adjusting to the loss of one of my pets, was when my dog Igor died. He was 11 years old and was suddenly paralyzed in his rear legs. I actually saw the spinal vertebral lesion on an x ray that I took, but wanted a specialist involved, so had a neurologist examine him and do a CT scan and a biopsy. It came back the inconclusive (not unusual with a biopsy), but when he didn't improve in a few days, I had to make the decision to euthanize him. It, too, was just him and me, and I grieved for weeks, and constantly thought about what signs I had missed. . . he had shown some reluctance to jump onto things.
Anyway, I only was better over time after much crying with bouts of crying coming on me involuntarily. These episodes gradually became fewer with further time inbetween. But it took several months! I even had true animal lovers that I worked with daily, who understood my grief. . .and that really helped me!
Understanding this lack of support for pet loss, most veterinarians will have information about a local pet loss support group, where you will find understanding help there with your grief.
Thank you. That's kind to tell me that. I still have her things around like her bed and biscuits because if I move them it feels so final. I can't bear that thought. I think if she had passed away in her sleep then I might be more able to come to terms although still devastating. I feel because I had to make the decision I feel like I killed her. I don't think I will ever get over the pain of losing her. She was my world. Its a great age she lived to, and I want to feel proud of that but its just torture at the moment. I feel so empty and alone. Love claudia
As awful as you feel, you are very normal!!!!! You should also be very proud of Gizzy's long life as she could not have attained her ripe old age without excellent and outstanding care by you. Seventeen years is extremely unusual!
Here' s what I would suggest for you Claudia. Understand that your grief is normal. Your vet and her staff will completely understand this and will have information to help you get through your grief. So, when you can, I'd give your vet another call to get help for you! We understand! Also, if you let me know where you live, I'd like to look online for a pet loss support group for you there. It is also so good that you reached out to us!!!! You have a clear understanding of your need to get through your grief (this does not mean forgetting Gizzy!), and your need for help in this.
I also will have one of our therapists contact you from here. So many people experience what you are experiencing (really almost everyone in your situation), so you are not alone!!!!
Thank you. I live in Flitwick Bedfordshire. Thank you for saying I looked after her so well. Its just because I never really knew what was wrong. If I'd had a better understanding of what her pain was as well, it would have helped. One minute we were just doing all the normal things together then within two days she was being put to sleep. Thank you for all your kind positive words and advice. I feel just talking about her to someone is helping although I'm crying while I'm writing to you. Love claudia
I actually am shedding tears for you! Gizzy was a very lucky little girl, but now you have to go through this!
I'll go see what I can find online, and then be back.
Also, want you to know, that heart failure is just like what you are describing. From our viewpoint it does seem sudden, but from the heart's viewpoint it has been diseased for awhile, but just now symptomatic. Suddenly the heart is diseased beyond being able to really sustain life, and we see the symptoms of this disease. This is why it seems so sudden to us. OK. . .I'm off to investigate for you. . .
I'm so sorry I didn't see some of your replies to me. I'm going to read them now.
I'm so sorry about your poor dog. That's so awful too. That's why you are so lovely and understanding. Its so incredibly comforting that someone else understands the unbearable pain and loss that is felt when we lose our precious angels.
It's hard to see through tears! I unfortunately can't locate a pet loss support group for you in Flitwick on line. That doesn't mean there isn't one right there, but they don't have any info online. On top of contacting your vet again with this specific request, you could also contact local churches. If they don't have a specific pet loss support group, they will most likely have a general grief support group, and these would incorporate pet loss. Since just talking to me here has helped you a little, I do think that having people there in person sharing your grief might be more helpful.
I just now see your last post. Thank you for your condolences about Igor! There really are a lot of us out here who do understand the unbearable pain of losing a pet even if your friends and family don't or can't understand.
Oh, also, you could call any local animal shelters or humane societies and ask them how to contact a pet loss support group.
At the very least. . .I'm here and we can continue talking off and on as long as you need to. I've shared my personal loss, but have over the years talked with so many people going through grief just as you are.
Thank you so much for looking. I will try and see what is out there. Do you know if I can save all your replies? Do I need an account? It will be my lifeline just reading your answers to me. You have given me more support and help than anyone. Can I please just ask do you think that gizzy was doing too much? She used to come everywhere with me and have her head out the window. We went to my brothers in London two days before for the day as he needed his house cleaning and tidying and she was wandering around as well there, in the garden and around the house. I kept feeling afterwards that I'd pushed her too far and it was maybe too much for her, but she loved being with me where ever I went so at the time thought it was ok. We went every week and was always fine.
I am all for pets doing whatever makes them happy! Since they don't have the psychological aspect of aging and illness that we have they rely totally on how they are physically feeling. In other words, when they are old they won't push themselves to do what they did when they were younger, nor will they do less because they are worried about what activity will do to them. Since Gizzy wanted to go and to wander around at your brother's, then she felt well enough to do so. If she had not felt well enough, she might have still gone with you, but she would have behaved differently in the car and at your brother's.
I'm so glad that this has been helpful to you! I will see from the site's moderator if and how you can down load this conversation. I just don't know. Also, even after your rating, this thread will remain open at no more charge to you for awhile, and of course, I can always be reached if you address a future post for Dr. Barbara only.
Thank you. That puts my mind a bit more at rest. As you said with what happened with Igor, you constantly think you could have done things differently. I just thought that if I'd done less with her, it might not have happened then. Thats why i wanted to ask you about it. Gizzy looked like a puppy all her life and was so spritely and full of character and so funny. She didn't have any grey either. That's why I never really thought of her being old. Thank you so much again. I am so sorry that I made you cry. I couldn't see either through the tears. You have given me much more understanding of what happened. Love claudia
Thank you Dr Barbara. I have woken up this morning and can't stop crying again. I have read through all your replies to me and it helps a lot. My house is empty and cold and lifeless without gizzy. I have to get a new job as I do nannying for a living and my last job ended awhile ago. I am finding it so difficult to focus properly on what I need to do to earn money because I don't feel like me anymore. I feel lost and empty. I will try and find somewhere where there is a pet loss support group. My confidence has gone as well. Thank you again for all your help and saying lovely things about gizzy. It means so much. Love claudia
Thank you Barbara. I didn't realize that you were in California. Thank you again for being so understanding. I'm crying again and can't see through my tears. Just everywhere are memories. In my house, the garden, my car, her park, I have to drive past it when I go out, every shop I go in. There is even little bits of mud on the stairs from her paws that I can't phoover up. I even kept the water in her water bowls which is gradually disappearing. I just can't at the moment change anything. With my pnannying, I normally get jobs through the internet. Or I have agencies which sometimes put work forward. I haven't worked as a nanny internationally. I agree that I have to go about things when the time is right. Thank you Barbara. I felt a bit better last night after you'd explained what was likely to be the cause of gizzy death. Then I start to blame myself again that it was something I did, or didn't do. If only I had rested with her more or slept downstairs so she didn't need to get upstairs. I kept thinking about putting a bed downstairs then it gets put to one side, and you just carry on as normal not expecting the worst to happen. Although Gizzy was remarkably healthy, she was on medication for a little weak bladder which worked and for about the last two or three years the vet had put her on vivitonin which worked too as she was an older dog. She sometimes used to not be able to catch her breath when running a lot, or going up the stairs and she'd wobble over. I would quickly pick her up and call her name and kiss her and she would recover. This had happened over the years probably going back 3 or so years. That's why she was prescribed vivitonin. My mum said that I gave her more years to her life by doing what I was doing, as many people might not have been able to have managed with her little collapses or given her daily meds. I meant to add that before but my mind is all over the place. Apart from that, as I said she looked like a puppy.Have you got another dog now since Igor? You sounded like it broke your heart too. I'm so sorry again that you had such terrible grief and sadness. Love claudia
Thank you Barbara. I haven't got Skype so not to worry. How lovely that were able to rescue a little stray dog. I would have done the same. Thank you again for all your words of comfort. I can give you my email address. I don't know if that will be deleted, but it would be nice to keep in touch as you have been so kind and understanding and helped me a great deal. It's *****@******.***. Thank you for all your time that you've given me as well. Very kind. Love claudia
Thank you Barbara. Please tell Art thank you for being so kind and caring towards me. So sorry that he lost his wife suddenly. So sad. I don't think I can move Gizzy's things. It is probably making it harder as I wish more than life itself that she was still here with me. I want to die right now and be with her but that would be silly I know. I just wish I could have got her better. I'm torturing myself everyday thinking that it was my fault that she was I'll. Ridiculous I know. Its just how I feel constantly. I understand that with heart disease there wouldn't have been anything I could have done as she was elderly but I still feel in shock that she is not with me anymore. Thank again for everything. I am glad it was you who answered my plea. Thank you. Love Claudia x
Barbara you are such a kind, patient and caring person. Thank you so much for saying all those things. I will keep reading them so I can see more clearly about everything that happened. Thank you so much. Please keep in touch. I'm so glad that we have been able to communicate about my Gizzy in this way. My heart is broken but I hope one day in the future I might be able to smile again. Thank you and hugs back. Love Claudia x
Yes I will smile for my angel through my tears. I keep telling myself to remember I was a wonderful mummy to gizzy and couldn't have loved her more. I have been the luckiest person in the world to have had her in my life. Some people don't experience love in their lives. I was blessed to have been given such a precious angel. I miss her so much I want to die but I know one day I will be reunited with her in heaven and that is what will keep me going.Thank you Barbara for all that you've said and for all your caring and understanding for me and gizzy. Love Claudia x
Hi Barbara. That's so lovely to say about the ark and the animals. I have always believed and hoped that I would see gizzy again in heaven with all my other family pets in the past all living together happily. Hearing that you are saying that as well is wonderful. Very very comforting. I wouldn't be able to believe anything else. You will see your beloved pets too and that's lovely. I often think about what heaven is like. Hopefully it is how we are imagining it to be. As long as my precious gizzy is happy, thats all i want. Also your beloved igor and all of our animals. As long as they are happy, that's the most important thing. Yes my heart was full of anormous happiness having gizzy. Perhaps one day i will have love in my heart for another little angel. Thank you as always. Love Claudia x
Hi Barbara. That story sounds wonderful. I am looking forward to going to heaven very much. I went for an interview earlier for a part time job. I found it so difficult but I need to earn some money. Its nannying. I have come home and cried. I just want to curl up and go to sleep and go to my gizzy. Its so horrendous. When I worked before I used to aim for getting home to her or pick her up from my mums. I tried to revolve everything around her. She was my life. Now it don't I have any thing. I said to myself that I must do it for gizzy. Its just so upsetting. I have tried to look up doggies on the internet that need a home to maybe see if I was able to think about getting another dog but I keep crying. I feel that I would still cry about gizzy even if I had another dog. I don't know what to do but I am so devastated and empty without her so would it be the right thing to try and love another dog. I just wish that I'd had just one more night with gizzy to hold her and care for her. I know that would have been selfish if she was in pain, and her little face showed me that she was. So sorry Barbara for going on. I don't know who else to turn to. I'm writing through tears again. Bless you for helping me. Love claudia x
Hi Barbara thank you for your encouraging kind words. I'm trying so hard to be strong. Everything I am trying to do is painful. When you live on your own, its so hard. It would be too difficult for me to foster a dog then have to give it back, if you know what I mean. That's so lovely to say gizzy wants me to be happy. I hope I'm not upsetting her if she can see me from heaven. Hope that doesn't sound silly. Her ashes are with me next to my pillow. I talk to her all the time and give her a little kiss. I thought that I would never get another dog as the grief when they go is too awful for words but gizzy was my best friend and my companion and its whether I still need that again, which I think if I don't have, I'll go mad with loneliness. If I can give alittle dog that's needs a bit of love a home I will try to. Thank you Barbara. Love to you. Love Claudia x
Hi Barbara. Everytime I read Gizzy's name it makes me cry. I have a contant sick feeling in my stomach. The sadness isn't going away. I am at my brothers today and its absolutely awful because Gizzy would come here with me.I keep going over the weeks leading up to her being put to sleep and driving myself mad thinking that her heart failure was because of me. I'm so stupid I know. Why did it happen then? Did she get cold or fall over or something. I know we can't determine when these things are going to happen. Did i give her enough love. I was distracted the last week because I was doing a job that I hated and they were treating me badly and I went in on the monday and my mum had her for the day but I keep wishing that I hadn't gone into work that day. On the tuesday she was fine at my brothers but it was in the evening that she became ill. I keep thinking that if I hadn't gone to my brothers that tues and rested with her, then would she have been alright. On the wednesday I took her up to the shops to get two stairgates because I decided then that as she wasn't managing the stairs very well, I would put the gates up and would carry her up and down. She had alittle sleep in the car which I was pleased about because I thought that she needed the sleep and it would make her feel better as she hadn't slept the night before. I bought her some fresh ham and turnkey as a treat as she hadn't felt like eating the other food. That night I stayed at my mums with her as mum had a sofa bed downstairs and I thought that Gizzy could wander around if she needed to downstairs and I would be downstairs as well. I left the back door open as well so she could go out if she wanted. It was quite cold that night, so did shut the door in the end but I was worried that Gizzy had got cold. She didn't sleep well that night and was restless. The next day at mums I carried her around alot but she wanted to walk around. I took her home to get her favorite dressing gown of mine to wrap her up in when I took her to the vets. She was still drinking water. When I was att= the vets I held her the whole time while we were waiting. Its just that I keep thinking that I was numb that day I think. I thought that I would just be able to get something to make her better from the vets but deep down I think I knew the worst. I feel that I didn't tell her enough that day that I loved her although I'm sure I did. It was all a blur. I was holding her while we were talking to the vet. The vet did leave me for awhile in there and I just held Gizzy and didn't say anything I dont think. My brother later told me that I couldn't have been more loving and was kissing her but I cant remember doing that now. I keep thinking why didnt I do more or say more. Sorry Barbara. I know I keep going over the same thing. I am so devastated you can see that I'm driving myself mad aren't I. Was I doing the right things.I just want her back for a day so I can tell you how much I love her and that I'm so sorry that I couldn't help her that day to stay. So sorry Barbara. I'm so alone. love claudia x
Hi Barbara, thank you for taking so much of your time to help me. I will probably see about seeing a counsellor. I know how much you have told me several times that there wasn't anything that I did or did not do. I think the stress makes you not take things in. I just loved and adored her so much it has been a shock to my system to have lost her and I have got lost in all the grief. I appreciate it so much that you have been so incredibly understanding. You are one in a million. If we can carry on talking that would be lovely but I don't want to take up too much of your time, as you have already answered my worries so much more than I expected and once again having you so kindly explaining everything to me that I wasn't clear on before has really helped me. I'm so sorry that I was going over it again.I will eventually come to terms with it somehow. I wish you could see a picture of Gizzy. She had huge brown eyes and wonderful big ears. So beautiful. I expect your Igor was handsome too. Thank you again. Love always claudiax
Hi Barbara. I am still feeling so very sad. I wish I could feel less anxious and upset and feel normal again. Every time I say to myself you did all the right things leading up to losing her and you couldn't have loved her more if you'd tried, I still feel horrible. I think its partly that I depended on her and she did me, and I feel I let her down when I had to let her go to sleep. I know it is the opposite and that I was trying to save her from any unnecessary awful pain that she may have suffered. I wish I could feel happy and stop this dreadful grief. I never thought that it would be this painful. I didn't really think about it at all. You don't do you. I think we take everything for granted while its around. I thought gizzy was invincible. I might go to the doctor to see about seeing someone. I'll give it another week or two. I started the job this morning. The one from the interview the other day. Its just 3 hours, twice a week. I am looking for longer hours but its a start. Felt horrible while I was there but I have to earn a living. I had my Gizzy to come back to before and now its not nice. I will send a picture when I can from my brothers computer as I can find a lovely photo stored on there to send to you.I hope you are all OK. Thank you. Love Claudiax
Thank you so much for saying how proud you are. Thank you. That's so kind. The family are from brazil and are living just near me and the children are 6 and 8. They are very nice people. Very genuine. Do you manage to see your daughter much? Philippina girls are very hard working I have heard. That's lovely that you have a grandson. I bet he gets spoilt. I used to play music when Gizzy was around, and if I had to leave her at home I would put the television on for background noise. I can't now listen to music. Its too upsetting. Everything reminds me of
Gizzy. I am quite stressed so the quiet is better although obviously
horrible at the same time. Music is nice normally its just I'm in a bad place at this moment and anything sentimental or classical is hard to listen to without getting upset. I have had a look on one off for doggies on the internet. I have just rung up about a sweet female ***** *****. She is 6. I couldn't get a puppy. If I did consider another dog, she would have to be over 3. Also older dogs maybe have had a difficult start and need security and love. We could give each other comfort and love. I still feel its too soon as my heart is broken and I feel so devastated but it may help in my recovery a little and be helping a little dog that needs a new home as well. What do you think? Thank you Barbara. Love claudia x
I have got up today and feel so unhappy. I can't bear my life without Gizzy. I want to cry all the time for what we had together. She was like a human to me but even better if you understand. We loved each other so much. I'm so sorry that I have been going over all the things constantly. Its just been such a horrendous time. I know when we have pets that at some point we will lose them but I was so wrapped up in my life and its loveliest with Gizzy I wasn't ever thinking it. I did sometimes say to myself that when Gizzy goes to Heaven I want to go with her. But of course in reality that's difficult. And then when it does happen its such a shock. I am not sure if I can get another dog at this time but I have been thinking that it might help me. And give a little dog a loving home that might need it. Or not have another dog. I don't know what I will do. I just want to feel better and everyday I feel upset beyond belief. Sorry Barbara. I am trying to be positive. My sweetheart would want me to be happy. I'm starting to cry again. How long does this dreadful dreadful grieving last. Its been the worst time of my life. I will let you know what I will do. The children speak English. Its good that you see your daughter and her family as often as you can. Although I'm sure you would prefer her to be nearer. That's good that they've got a good nanny to help out. Thank you Barbara. Hope you have had a good night. Thank you for helping and for carrying on helping me. You've been a bit of a lifeline for me. Thank you for suggesting about the music before, its a lovely suggestion its just I can't listen to it at the moment as I would cry. Love to you. Love claudiax
Hi Barbara, thank you for your wonderful words of advice and all your kindness in telling me I'm doing the right things. I have felt very bad today. I worked for a few hours earlier. I still feel such pain. I think that it is a good suggestion to do volunteer work. I can see what is around. I think that I will go to some sort of counselling as I am struggling with everything. I can't get over Gizzy not being in my life. Even though she was at a fantastic age, and she had her little health worries, I still thought that she had more life to go. I know that isn't perhaps the correct thing to be thinking because that wouldn't have been fair on her. It is just I can't get the awful day out of my mind. She had her little dressing gown around her. She was sleeping in my arms. I wish I had walked out of the vet and brought her home. I know how selfish that would have been but that's what I keep going over. If only I had done that, she might have survived. I have to keep on saying in my head that my instincts as her mummy must have made me do the right thing by her that day. As painful as it was. It mustn't be about what I wanted but about Gizzy. I just wasn't ready for what happened, despite her age. One minute its all lovely and you are getting on with things, just getting through life as normal, the next you feel like your whole life has gone and its all over. I never knew like you what a broken heart was until now. I have felt very upset in the past when we have lost our other family pets of course, its been awful but when it is just you and your pet, and you share your lives together, when they go, it is the worst thing in the world. It is the first time I have actually wanted to die and be with my angel. Just not wanted to carry on without her and in this pain. I have had to tell myself that my sweetheart wouldn't want me to do that. I have had to carry on as its the right thing to do. I will see her one day and when that days comes, how beautiful. In the meantime, I am trying to do the things that I'm doing. Talking with you, hopefully getting some help from my doctor with getting me in touch with a councellor and getting more work. I have spoken to the owner of the dog I said about who is 6, a ***** ***** girl. I am thinking of seeing her tomorrow. I still feel that it might be too hard at the moment for me. I just don't know. I feel it is Gizzys house and garden and park. Everything I feel is hers and I don't know how I feel about another dog here. I am uncertain about how I'm going to feel. My heart is with Gizzy. The little dog looks like she is unhappy in the picture. I could bring her happiness but I am emotionally quite tired. Perhaps as you say she will help in some way to mend my broken heart. I haven't done exercise since losing Gizzy. We used to have wonderful walks together. I miss so much that time when you are walking your dog. Thank you again for talking with me. I hope you and your scout are well. Lots of love to you. Love claudiax
Hi Barbara. Thank you for getting back to me. The ***** ***** is from a private seller. I have looked at some rescue homes. There hasn't really been quite the right dog as yet. I felt a bit sorry for the dog. She looks slightly uncared for. Also they haven't got the time for her and she needs someone to love by how she looks. I haven't thought about what you have just said about if the situation had been the other way round. I would want Gizzy to be happy and well. More than anything. I would be distraught if I thought she was pining and so unhappy that she wasn't functioning properly and had no will to live like I'm feeling. I would be heart broken. I would want happiness and love and a beautiful life for her if i wasnt around. To live contently and securely until it was her time to come to me and who ever she was with that they were giving her as much love and care that i did. You are right. Putting that to me has made me wake up a bit. I can't bear my life now without my darling girl, but I will try more to come to terms with it. Thank you Barbara. I need to see that as horrendous as it was, it was her little time to rest. She had been (and still is and will always be) a beautiful, special, clever, funny, remarkable little angel to me. So human in how she was, so full of incredible character. A perfect dog in every way. I couldn't have been more proud of her. She was strong and loving and we were like one. I am going to try and lift my head up again and smile. I haven't smiled or laughed in over 2 months. I have felt almost dead inside. I have just cried non stop. Night and day. Barbara you are very special. Thank you for all you have said to me. Love to you. Love claudiax
Thank you Barbara. I was incredibly blessed to have had my angel. I was very lucky. I feel everyday like I took everything for granted. I gave her so much love and security but now, like you said with Igor, did I miss something or not notice if she was feeling poorly. Its so silly and as you have told me so many times there wouldn't have been anything I could have done to make her better at that point. I do believe it is when it is so sudden. I keep thinking if only we'd had a bit more time together just to make sure that she knew how much I loved her. I am going to go to the doctors because they might tell me about talking to someone. I can't go on feeling like this. I feel that I am constantly in shock. Even though she was at that age I just can't seem to come to terms with it. I am really trying. She was my life Barbara. I feel like my life is over without her. I miss her so much the pain is just not going away. Please forgive me for going on again. I hope you enjoyed the film. You are exactly right when you describe the tables being turned. I wouldnt want my precious dog to be unhappy. I need to keep understanding that its true. I would trust her more than life to have made the right decision for me. I know I am stuck in so much unhappiness and grief. She was my whole life and for such along time. Living now without her is horrendous. I have to keep going for her sake. To make her proud. I hope one day in the distant future, this yearning will lessen slightly and I can feel a little bit of happiness again. From your encouragement and support and my family, I hope that will happen. All day everyday I have to keep telling myself that it was gods decision that day, not mine. And try and find comfort in that. Hope you are well and scout. Love always claudiax big hugs thank you
Hi Barbara. Thank you for being proud and for saying my Gizzy would be proud. That means the world to me. I want to make her proud. That is what is giving me strength to keep going. Also having to be able to write to you with all that has happened and telling you how I am feeling has helped so much. I know it has. If I hadn't had you to help I would have been lost. I am working tomorrow. The children's names are ***** ***** Victoria. I dread it but I have to earn. I worked when I had Gizzy, part time and tried to plan all my jobs around Gizzy. I couldn't wait to finish and get back to her. Most of the time she would be at my mums and only very occasionally she would stay at home but that was always reluctantly and when mum couldn't look after her. I had an incentive. I was earning money to keep a roof over mine and Gizzy head. Now nothing really means anything. Anyway I am pleased the film was good. Thank you Barbara. Love claudiax
Thank you Barbara. I am going to the doctors this week. Thank you for your kind words. I am feeling bad again. The dreadful missing of Gizzy is unbearable. I am still going over in my mind that perhaps there could have been something I could have done other than have her put to sleep. I keep thinking I let her down. Even having her for a little bit of more time would have helped me come to terms with it more. I am stuck in this excruciating feeling all the time and having to keep telling myself it was the right thing for Gizzy if she was suffering. I keep saying that if the tables were turned I wouldn't want Gizzy to be feeling like me as we said but I can't help it. I tried to do some decorating yesterday. I didn't want to but I said to myself I will do it for my Gizzy. I hope you are well. And scout. I have tried to rate your answer but it isn't letting me for some reason. I look forward to your replies to me because you are telling me the right things. I'm so sorry I am not getting better. I understand if you need to end the talking. I miss her Barbara so much the pain and loneliness is too much to bear. I should be happy that I shared my life with my beautiful girl but I am so unhappy that she has gone. I planted a lavender plant in the garden where she liked to go. I just sit there and cry. I am trying to sort out another job. I am sort of trying to look at the possibility of another little dog but it is too soon for me. I feel broken and completely empty inside and full of blame. The blame part i know is nonsence but its there all the time. Its the horrendous loss that is making me irrational. It was all about her age and not putting her through any stress if she was in pain, I know but I can't help thinking the vet could have done more. I am feeling I didn't give her a chance and of course I did. I know. Thank you Barbara for letting me pour out all my anxieties on to you. Please forgive me for going on. I am very lonely. Thank you. I will try and get a picture to you. Love to you. Love claudiax
Hi Barbara I wrote a very long reply to you and it said that it wouldn't be accepted. So I don't know whether this will get to you. If it does I will write it again. It will be tomorrow. Love claudiax
Hi barbara., thank you for your reply. I don't know what happened to my reply. I was just writing about the two days before as you said. So on the Sunday night Gizzy had one or two wobbles after running up the stairs. We were staying at my mums as I had to get up early the next day for work and my mum would have Gizzy for the day. So on the Monday mum cuddled Gizzy all that day and Gizzy did sleep a lot. When I got back mum said that Gizzy breathing was a bit strained but sometimes it was a little bit like that every now and again as she was older. I was upset as mum said to me that she had hoped in a small way that Gizzy had fallen asleep peacefully that day. I was cross as to me Gizzy was strong. Mum always worried but I was always positive about her. Anyway she was fine that night. She was herself. Eating and drinking. Had her head out of the car window. All the normal things. She was fine. Perfect as normal. The next day we went to my brothers as I had said. Again she seemed fine. On the way home she had her head out of the car window. We had my brothers dogs with us and charlie sat on the front seat with Gizzy. When I got to mums to drop my brothers dogs off I had a cup of tea. When I was talking to my mum Gizzy was looking tired and had that little look on her face that looked like she was in a bit of pain. I don't know. She was standing but had her eyes shut bless her so I went straight home with her. She ate that night and was drinking as normal early evening. Then during the night she was very restless. I got up with her and let her out and we were awake most of the night. Sometimes she would be up in the night once in awhile if she had a bad tummy and would want to keep going outside to eat grass but I felt that it wasn't her tummy as if it was she would've settled down again more quickly and gone back to sleep. That morning she seemed OK. I rang mum and was in tears as I was obviously so worried and tired and everything. Anyway I decided I would get the stairgates for the stairs so that was one thing done and Gizzy would sleep in the car so I thought if she had a really good sleep she might feel better so we did that on the wed. Again she was fine in the car on the way to the shops with her head out of the window. She slept all cosily while I was getting things. I then got some fresh ham and turkey so if she didn't feel like eating a big tin then that would be easier to nibble on for her. When we got back to mums (I said to you before that I thought it might be better to stay at my mums as not only would we be able to sleep downstairs and not have to worry about the stairs if Gizzy became restless but mum could be there if Gizzy wasn't too good as support).Barbara I'll send this and carry on when you reply as I'm worried it might not go through. Love to you. Love claudiax
I'm pleased you got my reply. Thank you. Mum always worries about the dogs. She felt that because Gizzy was older she would particularly worry as Gizzy was her responsibility while I went to work which was generally twice a week. And mum was worried about her little collapses and that she wouldn't be able to do what I did to help her. I think because of her amazing age, mum was probabling thinking it would be a gentle way to just go to sleep like that. Not because of anything inparticular. When Gizzy was with me she was a different girl. Obviously because dogs want to be with their owners more than anyone else, they act differently with other people. She did love mum but I was her mummy. Unfortunately it was necessary to work. I would have loved more than anything not to have had to work. Anyway, your question whether she was going to the wee more, or having diarrhea I wasn't sure. I didn't notice that. She was always good at drinking and eating. There wasn't anything to suggest she had had diarrhea the garden. So that wed evening when we were at mums Gizzy didn't really want to eat. I put her food down with some biscuits and water and some fresh meat. We went to bed that night but again Gizzy was restless and as I think I said before, for some of the night I kept the back door open for her so she could go outside and come in when she wanted. She came right up to my head at one point which was beautiful. I cuddled her. We had a bad night again and neither of us really slept. That morning I carried her upstairs to mum and was crying. I was really upset and worried. Mum said later that she knew that Gizzy wasn't well when she saw her in my arms. Mum and Gizzy had a cuddle on her bed and when I gave Gizzy a kiss, I saw tears in her eyes. Her face though was just like a puppy. Her nose was wet, her eyes were bright and she looked so beautiful. I understand when you say other people may notice if there is something wrong rather than the person closest but I would watch over Gizzy like a hawk. I know that perhaps in the back of my mind I was worried about her as any mum would be also because of her age but I was always trying to be positive rather than negative. I knew she had her health worries, but I thought we were managing them. She was a very strong little lady. So I made an appointment with the vet at 3.00pm. She had to fit us in. During that time mum and I took it in turns to carry her around the house and garden and rest with her. She was still drinking water. I tried a bit of turkey but she couldn't eat it. Mum and I were both stressed so mum went out and I decided to take Gizzy home. I will send the next reply once you have read this as it is quite long. Xx
Thank you Barbara for getting back. When Gizzy collapsed she did lose consciousness for a few seconds. She would bark but was limp. Then she would come round as I called her name and kissed her face and held her tightly. Then she was absolutely fine. It wasn't her back legs. Gizzy coughed only a little bit. The vet asked that and I said the same. Maybe every now and again but not something I would say was frequent. Anyway on the drive home Gizzy had her head out of the car window and I thought how wonderful as I thought if she wants to do that then she is feeling OK. When we got home we went in the garden and Gizzy was following me around. She was quite slow and not really herself I could tell, but I was talking about everything and carried her upstairs to get the pink dressing gown of mine that she liked so she would feel secure at the vets wrapped in it. I'm crying as I am writing this and can't see properly. I wanted her to look nice so got her pretty collar and lead and harness. I don't know Barbara if I was thinking the worst at that point, I just kept saying to myself that the vet will give her some antibiotics or treatment and possibly something to help her sleep at night. My mum had said to me earlier that day that we have to be strong today as if she knew, but I just cried and didn't want to think that. On the way to the vets she was up at the window again and I was saying to her mummy is going to get you better I promise. I am torturing myself now saying that because I couldn't make her better. I met mum at the vets and I waited in the car as I didn't want to be waiting inside the vets too long and stress Gizzy out. I got her out of the car to see if she wanted to go to toilet and she didn't want to move and just stood there so we waited back in the car. She had that look of pain in her face again and so i put my face to hers. It was a lovely moment between us but so awful at the same time because I knew that she was very poorly I think. I didn't want to think it. My mum told me it was time to go in so we waited in the vet area, but far enough away so Gizzy wouldn't get stressed. She knew when she was at the vets at other times and hated it like most dogs. I carried her in and told the vet what had been happening. She checked her neurologically and she was fine. Gizzy breathing become bad while she was standing on the table. I thought it might have been because she sensed I was distraut and crying and it was affecting her but that might not have been the case. She was poorly Barbara I knew that but I didn't know what was wrong. The vet must have listened to her heart but for some reason I can't remember her doing that. My mum was in the vet with me, also my brother came up as he was worried and he then came into the room as well. (She was loved a lot as you can see). The vet said that Gizzy could have oxygen and an xray but as it was late in the day she would need to go to an out of hours vets. I said where was that and she said where it was. She then said the worst about putting her to sleep. I was distraut and turned to my brother and said that I couldn't let her go. My brother said there's nothing to say we can't take her home and the vet said that she wouldn't advice that. She said that to put her through tests was just prolonging her suffering. My mum was saying that she was suffering as well. I just didn't know what to do. The vet didn't say specifically what it was just that there was nothing else she could give her as she was already on vivitonin. And because she was 17 and her breathing wasn't too good. I was crying so much I couldn't talk. My mum was crying, my brother was crying. The vet said to me, I think you know don't you, what you need to do. Anyway she left me alone for awhile with Gizzy in my arms. I just held her. Mum and my brother left the room. We just stood there quietly. She was asleep in my arms. I was numb. The vet came back in and I had to sign the consent form. I just held her and gave her kisses until she feel asleep. It was the worst thing I will ever have to do in my life. My world had gone in that moment. I just cried out loud and gave her another kiss on her cheek. Mum picked up her ashes about a week later. Barbara I ask you with all my heart and soul to tell me it was the kindest thing to do for my angel. I cried all day every day and about 4 weeks later I couldn't bear it anymore so I got in touch with the vet to talk to her about Gizzy. She said that it could have been her heart or cancer but to have put her through tests wouldn't have been right for her at her age. If she had had tests the outcome would still have been the same. She said about her breathing. She said she would have done the same thing if it had been her dog. It was the right thing to do. The kindest thing to do. My brother said to me the day after I lost Gizzy (through his tears) that he was so proud of me. I had put Gizzy first and not wanted her to suffer in any way possible before what I wanted. He saw how utterly devastating it was for me and witnessed sheer emotional pain. He said that it was the kindest thing for her and that I had been a wonderful mummy and it was to my credit that she had lived that long. She had had a fantastic life with me. It was the right thing. Barbara I will hope this gets to you and will reply to you later. Love to you xx
Hi Barbara. I am so thankful for you explaining everything to me. I am so upset just going through it all with you I can't stop crying. I am sorry I have made you cry. You are such a kind and sensitive person. I can't tell you how much love and support you have given me through this horrendous time in my life. I thought I was going out of my mind with not knowing and the grief of it. Barbara thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have taken so much time, patience and understanding for me. I know my little angel Gizzy would give you big kisses for helping both of us at this dreadful time and for saying such beautiful things about her. If we can keep in touch I would like that. If I could send you a gift to say thank you I would. My gift will have to be words. You are a very special person Barbara. I will cry forever over my loss of Gizzy but now I know that it was definitely, although devastating, the right choice, I will try so hard to be happier knowing she is OK and having the best time of her life in beautiful heaven with all our other wonderful animals. I will look forward to being back with her one day. Love to you always love Claudiaxx
I'm crying again this morning. Just miss her so much. The life we had together. I hope that she is with your Igor and all our other beautiful pets from the past. I still have this ache inside me thinking that if I had rested with her that week and not perhaps done things, it may have helped her. I know that you have explained it all. I understand that it is all part of the grief. I am still going to the doctors just to see if they can help. I am very unhappy all of the time and can't come to terms with losing Gizzy. I know it is because I am on my own and haven't got anyone here who has the understanding and patience to help. I just have to get up every day and be on my own with the grief. I know it was similar for you when you lost Igor. I haven't forgotten the picture. I will try this week and send one to you. Thank you Barbara. Love claudiax
Hi Barbara. Thank you for saying that my carrying as normal with Gizzy that week was OK. You are absolutely right when you say that I was in tune with Gizzy needs. I at least always tried to be. She was my number one priority. You get a bit distracted now again with life's stresses, work, money and even annoying people, and general things ( especially when its just you having to deal with it) but at the end of the day Gizzy was my life and my saviour. I think one of the many reasons I am finding it unbearable without my angel is because she loved me. And I loved her. Losing that love over night is devastating. I am now feeling I haven't any love in my life. She was my life. My mum and I have arguments. I have a sister who is cold and doesn't have the same way of thinking. She has 2 dogs of her own but she doesn't have the same relationship with them as I had with Gizzy. I have a brother who I've mentioned before. He has2 dogs which he loves but also doesn't have that close relationship as I had with Gizzy. He is understanding of my grief in some ways but has said that I have to move one which is the wrong thing to say to someone who is so grief stricken. My mum lives quite close but the rest of the family are a fair distance. No one ever rings me to see if I am alright. My mum does of course but it always seems to end in an argument. That's why I feel so alone now. Gizzy was my little family. We were a little unit with all that love and closeness. I planted 3 more small lavender plants in the little area in the garden where I put the other lavender plant. That was her special place. I will sort out a photo. One of us together and hopefully I will be able to send it to you. I have been decorating the outside of my porch today. I starting doing lots of jobs on my house when I had Gizzy but decorating and DIY is so time consuming and often on my days off, I'd do a bit then want to go out or go for a walk or something so nothing got finished. Now I am doing it for my Gizzy. Just trying to do something positive. Actually I want to tell you something very sweet. A little while ago I was sitting by Gizzy little area where she liked to go in the garden and as always crying, and aliitle robin came up very close to me and it looked at me for ages. It stayed there for awhile and then sat in the bush near me. Nearly everyday this little robin comes in to the garden. It had a drink out of a bowl that was Gizzy's garden bowl. It had all leaves in it so I washed it out and put it next to another rose which I had planted in a tub for Gizzy. ( the rose is pink and called a sweetheart rose). The robin went over to the bowl. I don't know if it is just wishful thinking but I wander whether it is Gizzy. Sorry I'm crying again. I've had a really bad day today. Thank you for being such a lovely kind friend Barbara. Look forward to hearing from you. Xx
Hi Barbara. Thank you for saying about the robin. I haven't got an up to date camera to take a picture of the little garden area. I could take a photo and then take it to get it developed onto a CD then try and send it. I wanted to say sorry as well because I know I have gone on about how upset I am. I am not a selfish person at all. I always think about other people and try and be kind. I feel you might think I have been self absorbed. I have just never felt like this before. I have never felt so unhappy. I dread each day without Gizzy. I just haven't been able to talk about it with anyone as it gets too emotional and stressful talking to anyone in my family. I want to scream out loud. I know it has been 2 months. I just can't live with this pain. I keep saying in my mind about the tables being turned. I would want Gizzy to be bouncing along happily without a care in the world. It just won't sink in. I miss her so much that anything rational isn't going in. I still keep on thinking that I wish I had just tried to get her better that day. I know from what you have said that she may have then been in more pain and stressed and everything and that's the last thing I would ever have wanted for her. I know hundreds of people go through the same thing. I don't know why I have this horrendous feeling that I let her down that day. Its ridiculous. I am completely blinded by the loss. And because I am on my own now, somehow I just can't come to terms with it. I thought about going and sitting in a church somewhere. I hope you and scout are OK. Thank you Barbara again for this tremendous support. Love to you. Love claudiax
Hi barbara. Thank you for your lovely reply to me. The robin was with me again today in the garden. It hopped quite near me. I know that it has been sent by Gizzy and God to help me. It is the only time I have smiled. You didn't give me the impression that I was being selfish or anything. Not in any way. I just thought that as I have told you all these things and have gone over it you might think I am like that. Normally its me who listens to everybody else and doesn't normally get round to talking about myself. Thats why I am so grateful to you for just being there and lovingly answering me with hope. I have been to the doctors today. I cried the whole time. He is going to get some grief counselling sorted out for me. I just live in fear that this unbearable ache for Gizzy won't ever go. You are right that a broken heart takes along time to heal and that people heal at different times. I keep telling myself that she is happy and in no pain. I thought about moving something of Gizzy's and I felt overwhelmed with sadness so I can't move anything still. I think it might be making it worse seeing everything all the time but I don't think the pain would be any different either way. I just want to live how I was living with Gizzy and not change anything at the moment. I'm tearful again just saying about it. I hope your stomach problem gets better Barbara. Sorry to hear you are not feeling well. Love to you. Love claudiaxx
Thank you again for saying you are proud. All I'm feeling is intense sadness. The little robin is in the garden all the time. It was with me yesterday and this morning I saw it out the window. It is bringing me some comfort. I want to feel Gizzy around. I don't know if she is around. I am so desperate to feel her near me. I am going down to my brothers today. Will be painful as always. Even the journey is unbearable not having Gizzy sitting next to me in the car. Barbara I don't think I'm ever going to get through this. I just feel so empty and alone. I was a mummy before and had my little family with Gizzy. My whole world revolved around her and our lives together. I am so lost. In one of your last posts to me you said about Gizzy not being able to lie down. Did you mean at over those two nights? She did lie down in the car and some of the time while she was at home.I feel still that I made a mistake that day Barbara. I dont know why. I am lying to myself that she might have got better. She first had her little collapse about 3 years ago which could have been the start of her heart problems so I know that I couldn't expect anymore from her at the point that we reached at the vets that day. . I thought stupidly that she could go on forever. How selfish of me to think that. I just keep think that her breathing was only slightly strained while I was holding her. It wasn't all the time while I was in the vets. She was sleepy in my arms because she hadn't slept the night before and was all warm and cosy in my arms. I keep thinking that i was put under pressure that day from the vet, my mum and everything. I was obviously upset and couldnt really think straight. I understand everything you have said to me about Gizzys health. I just have this continual ache inside me that i did the wrong thing. She was such a strong girl. I understand that its the grief inside me saying and thinking these things. I am so desperately wanting her and missing her that my mind is not thinking properly. And what can I do about it but drive myself crazy. I just need to understand that she is happy and enjoying herself without any cares in the world with the beautiful pets from our lives. The little robin today came down and had a piece of bread which I had put out for it and then stood on the bowl and had a drink. I cry every time I see it but I sense that it has been sent from Gizzy as you said because Gizzy knows that I need something to care for. When I got in my car I noticed something from the corner of my eye so i got out and on the ground was a large white feather which I think must have been near my front door. I picked it up and gave it a kiss and put it on the seat next to me in the car. That is my guardian angel isn't it. That is the first time I have felt like someone is around. What do you think?I'm sorry that you have to have tests done. I really hope you feel better soon. You are a lovely person. That's lovely that prince comes back to your friend angel. Love claudiaxx
Hi Barbara. Look forward to hearing from you when you have some more time xx
Hope you like the picture. I have sent 2 the same by mistake. I wanted to see if it would come through. I have got one of Gizzy where you can see her better which I will send. Hope you are feeling better. My day started not too good, but I felt slightly better as the day went on. I was down at my brothers again as he wanted me to do some jobs plus painting. Just got back. Feel very low now. Will watch television to try and relax. I will reply to you last post but this message was to send photo. Love claudiaxx
Hi barbara, that was taken last year on holiday in kent. So Gizzy was 16. I have such lovely photos that I have got as well which I took on my old camera which isn't digital so the photos aren't on the computer. My brother takes photos with his phone but I have got a very old little mobile which is pink and I have had for years that only takes little photos which are stored on the phone. I am quite old fashioned and not too much into new technical things. The only new thing is this tablet which I am using to email you. My brother bought it for me last Christmas and it is great. I actually don't know what I would do without it now. I use it for everything. Even getting me through this horrendous time by being able to talk to you and look up things about almost anything. In some ways it has been my lifeline. I want to thank you for your reply to me which I got yesterday morning. The week before Gizzy died I had been stressed. I will tell you about that another time. Then the week she died I was just coming down from a lot of stress. The sad thing for me is that all through the summer I worked doing three temp nannying jobs so I could then have about 2 months off to spend with Gizzy and get things done around the home and just enjoy having time way from work. I tried to do this a lot so if I did alot of work in a relatively short time I would earn enough money to survive then could have longer time off. Not all the time but just when there was work that I could do along side my other job. Normally I only worked 2 days. As you know I tried to do all my planning around Gizzy. I know we can't determine when things are going to happen but I had just finished along stint of jobs that I'd been doing so I could be off with Gizzy. On that Tuesday just before that horrible thursday I was so happy that I had done all that work and I was down at my brothers with Gizzy. It was the start of a wonderful few months with Gizzy and not any work to worry about. That Thursday my world fell apart. I feel so frustrated and heartbroken that I spent that time working. I know I didn't know what was going to happen. Life happens that way. Its just tormenting me along with the agony of losing the most precious thing in my life. She was my life Barbara. I understand when you say that if she had tests and treatment I could have had a bit more time with her but the outcome would still have been the same. I just wanted a bit more time with her Barbara. That's me being selfish I know because it wasn't about me that day it was about my angel. I couldn't bear her to be suffering inside. I would never ever have wanted that in a million years. She had been so strong all her life and i believe that she was even trying to be strong in the end for me because she knew that we had such a wonderful relationship she was holding on so I wouldn't be on my own. I have such faith in believing that animals know our pain too. I'm crying so much just writing this today. I know my mum was thinking of Gizzy and the vet knew that because of Gizzy's age, her advice was through experience. I just keep reliving that day. The grief is constant and because she was such a huge part of my life I feel my life has gone from me. Each day I keep going. The pain inside me is there all the time. The doctor has given me some pills that calm you down and help with sleep. I haven't heard from a councellor yet. Just talking to you is the best therapy I could have. Pouring out my sadness. Thank you Barbara as always for being there for me in this horrible time. I am desperately looking for a job. I am still doing the morning nanny job but not this week. You said Gizzy was 119 in human years. How do you work it out? I have never known properly. I don't think I told you but we adopted her when she was about 4. I'll tell you the story of that in my next post as well, but we never really knew her exact age. When Gizzy passed away, a couple of weeks later I contacted an old vet who I went to when I first got Gizzy. I asked about whether they still kept records but as it had been over 10 years they hadn't. I had her micro chipped when I first got her ( I thought but I might have just done a change of address I can't really remember now) I thought I had had her done but anyway it was all quite confusing in the beginning again I will go into more detail in another post. Then I decided to ring up her current vet and find out for certain her actual age. Every time I took her to the vet they would say she's a year older than I had thought and I just thought that their records were wrong for some reason and I would correct the vet and say no she's younger. Anyway sorry if it sounds confusing. So when I rang the vet up they said according to her microchip she was 17 and 8 months. I couldn't believe it because I thought she was 16. We also didn't know when her birthday was, so we put it on my mums ***** ***** Megan's birthday 6th July. Megan had lived until 13 and was my mums first ***** *****. Anyway I don't think Gizzy minded because she had wonderful birthdays. Very spoilt. We used to say that all our dogs have birthdays everyday. Anyway on the microchip as well it had her date of birth which was 1st January 1997. What's so lovely Barbara is that my birthday is ***** too. So whether the previous owners had done the microchip, or I had it done and possibly put a date because I didn't know at the time, I just don't know. Anyway so we believe that she was 17 and 8 months. Isn't that something to be proud of and through the tears, I tell her everyday that I love her and how proud I am. Barbara I will write again. Hope you are OK and scout. Lots of love claudiaxx
Hi Barbara. I keep making you have tears. I'm so sorry. I hope you are feeling a little bit better and I am glad your beautiful scout is doing OK. Thank you for saying Gizzy looked great for her age. I am going to try and see if I can send a closer photo of her. So you can see her beautiful face. I have been quite upset today but needed to go and help some one clean their house as they were moving. Only for 2 hours. They paid me which was a bonus. I started to tell you in my last post about when we adopted Gizzy. My mum was looking at a house to buy in a village near to me and we stopped at the local shops. My mum saw an advert in a newsagents window saying dog free to good home. I said to mum stop looking, its too painful. Mum and I are like you and your daughter. Soppy and sentimental over animals. Anyway of course we got the number and I rang up and asked about her and what her name was and they said Gizmo. We went the very next day as it wasn't that far from us and when we went in the house, Gizzy jumped on me and didn't stop licking my face. We asked about her and the woman said she was moving into a pub and couldn't take her( not sure if she was being truthful) the son had had her for I think 2 years and she said she'd had her for 18 months or 2 years. As I said we didn't fully believe what the woman was saying. Gizzy had lost her fur on her back as well and the woman said it was because she didn't like the dogs next door. The back garden was small and had small fences either side so Gizzy was surrounded by other dogs which was obviously causing her stress hence losing her fur. When we took her both mum and I were crying. We were worried for Gizzy that she would be upset about leaving the home she knew. In fact we think Gizzy was pleased to be coming home with us as she had greeted us so lovingly. Mum got her spayed straight away and she had lots of TLC from all of us. Mum still had Megan plus Daisy and Laura the 2 little ***** *****s she had got more recently. We didn't know whether they would get on as Megan was top dog. Anyway I couldn't have Gizzy initially at the start because I was at that time living in a flat which didn't allow pets plus I was working more or less full time. So then mum had to move and had all 4 girls living with her. Unfortunately there were some fights. I think that they would get jealous of each other or try to be top dog. We had to then keep them separate. In the end very reluctantly my mum asked if my sister would have her. She didn't have any other dogs and had a young daughter so it was decided that she would take Gizzy. I cried even then as I wasn't seeing her as much as before and was always worrying about her. Gizzy loved my sisters daughter Tierney and they formed a close relationship. I went to visit Gizzy one day and she was so pleased to see me. I cried with joy at spending time with her. Anyway after a couple of months Tierney was outside her house with Gizzy and the neighbors child came out and went to stroke Gizzy and Gizzy bit her. So my sisters neighbors who weren't nice people anyway started threatening my sister and it wasn't right for Gizzy as it certainly wasn't her fault. I expect she just didn't want this child to touch her. Quite rightly. Anyway my mum had her back. Tierney was heart broken. I was still in my flat so couldn't do much. I had been trying to move into a house and finally not too much time later I moved and finally had the house of my dreams (well almost). Not long after that once I'd left my job, my angel came to live with me. I got my wish. The rest is history. So with the time frame in between getting her from the place she was living, being at mums for awhile, then at my sisters for a few months then finally coming home to me we could only guess her age by that point. It never really mattered as all that mattered was she was loved. More than you could imagine. She was with me for about 12 years or near as. The best years of my life. Love to you Barbara. Love always Claudiaxx
Sorry for not getting back before now. How lovely it sounds where you live. That's sweet that scout put his paws on the neighbors new driveway. He thought he would make his impression. You sound very busy. I always appreciate the time you give me. I have some news. I saw on the internet a little dog. I still didn't want to think about a new dog as I am unbearably upset still as you know. Still not functioning normally and crying endlessly. I looked a couple of times at the picture of the little dog over a few days and was slightly drawn to it. I then told my mum and she looked and also my brother. The thing was the ad said Wales. I enquired about it and my brother said he would drive me there on Friday. It was 330 mile round trip. I got up yesterday early and cried and cried thinking I can't go. Mornings are incredibly painful. I just got myself together and went to my brothers still thinking I don't think I can do this but anyway we went. I went into the house and the owner opened the back door and this tiny little dog ran towards me and kissed me all on my face and was so excited. She jumped into my lap. She is very sweet. We took her home. While she was on my lap she kept kissing me and had her head right up in my neck. When I got her home to my house she ran around the house and round the back garden and up and down the stairs. I cried as you can imagine. She jumped onto Gizzy's bed and played with her toys. I felt worried and stressed but I kept thinking Gizzy was so wonderful and had the most beautiful loving nature you could imagine that she wouldn't mind. I had kept everything straight and in its place and suddenly it was being touched. I have no idea whether its the right time or not and it feels odd having a different dog in my house but I think she was a little gift from heaven. She lay down in my arms last night and went to sleep. She is a tan ***** ***** x chiwawa called Pip. She is almost 3. She lies on me and wants to be very close. This morning I woke up and cried so much for Gizzy. Pip came up from the end of the bed and put her head in mine. I still feel the most horrendous emotional pain in inside me for my beautiful angel. I know I am going to feel that way for a very very long time. Pip needs love and security which I will give her. She has traights like Gizzy. Little things. But also she has come to a house where there will be love for her like Gizzy, for as long as God allows. Hope you and scout are well. Look forward to hearing from you. Love always Claudiaxx
Hi Barbara, thank you being so proud. Although I am feeling the same grief, Pip is giving me her love. She has been spayed. I registered her with a vets. I couldn't go the same vets practice as before. It is too painful. She will have a check and then needs her vaccines. She has had flea and worming already the owner said. He had her for 2 years and found her in a barn in freezing winter at 16 weeks (a family member he says) He took her from there but I think he said his sister had her for a time and she got pregnant and had a puppy poor thing. He then got her spayed. She must have been really young. You know what people are like. She would have had a season then been after that. I haven't properly worked out all of it yet. He said she was 16 weeks in the February of 2012. He then had her for 2 years. He doesn't know her birthday. That would make her 3 now or soon. I'm not too sure. I have been looking out for the little robin. I was getting comfort seeing it everyday. Hopefully see it again soon. I'm very fond of it. I also had a butterfly which had been in my bedroom for about a year on the corner of the ceiling. I didn't think it was alive as it hadn't moved. Abit of time after Gizzy went to heaven the butterfly had moved and was on the curtain. I see it in different areas of the room now. At the moment it is under the dressing gown on my door. I will send you a closer photo of Gizzy. Love to you. Glad you are pleased for me. I think in time I will have something to live for again. Love Claudiax
Hi Barbara I am feeling horrible today. Pip is being very good but I feel I want to just be quiet and do nothing. I feel I want to just cry all the time. I miss Gizzy so much. Pip needs me and I am there for her and will love her very much. I just want my Gizzy. I feel so alone even having little Pip. I am still trying to find a job. It is difficult as there isn't a lot out there at the moment. I just have a constant ache inside me. How long was it after Igor passed away that you got Scout? I am just nervous and stressed that it is too soon. I haven't come to terms with my loss as you know. Will Pip help with that. I just don't know. I knew before that even if I had got a new dog, I would cry for Gizzy and that is exactly what I am doing. I am still unhappy. I just want my life back that I had and I know everyone thinks that when someone has passed away. I will go to the councellor once I have heard from them. I had one day last wed when although I cried in the morning, I felt better during the day. I felt I was talking normally and not just struggling with everything. Then I asked my brother when he got back, if he could help me send you a picture. He saw that I had been writing a lot of things to you and said that I should be doing other things. I said you were wonderful but he set me back with his comment. I didn't say any more but I cried on the way home because if it hadn't been for you Barbara, I honestly don't know how I would have carried on. I said as I left that he would be devastated if something happed to his dogs and he agreed he would be. People handle things differently. The sort of normalish feeling that I had had that day went Iand i went back to feeling sick and horrendous. The Tuesday evening I had read about animal reincarnation and how you can actually feel their presence. I found things to read that were comforting. That animals can come back in different forms and lots of other nice things. I read about rainbow bridge, which I already knew about and other things. But that night I cried so much I asked God for help. Then next morning was when I found the white feather and also my little robin was in the back garden as usual. I was feeling that I wasn't alone that day. That was wed that I said I felt a little better. Then as I said, one negative comment from my brother and I went downhill again. I am incredibly sensitive and as you have described it, broken. How you felt as well. Later on I sent a long text to my brother telling him that writing to you had been my lifeline and how you have been wonderful beyond words in your help to me with everything. He said he hadn't received my texts so anyway I just thought I'd leave it and not say anymore to him. I have to get back to that point which I felt that morning a bit better and more positive. I've gone backwards again. I also hope that the little robin will still come into the garden now Pip is around. I' m worried that it won't. I was finding a little bit of happiness just seeing it everyday. Sorry Barbara I have gone on too much. My lovely saviour. Thank you again. Love Claudiaxx
Hi Barbara, thank you for your message. It's 8.50pm here. Our clocks went back last weekend. Hope you are having a nice day. I will try and ask God for help again. As long as my precious angel is being looked after, that's all I ask of God really. I come second. I believe that Pip was meant to be here with me. I talk to her about Gizzy and tell her that Gizzy was the most precious thing to me but we are going to now share our love. I think in time she will heal a tiny part of my broken heart. My grief will be with me forever I think over Gizzy but I will get up each day and be brave and try and live as happily as I can for Gizzy. Just for her. She deserves my strength as she was the strongest, most beautiful little dog that I was privileged to have had in my life. Little Pip will follow in her footsteps as well. I know. Love always Claudiaxx
Thank you. God bless you and scout and Igor as well. Love and hugs Claudiax
Thank you as always for everything. I am still feeling so sad. Pip is settling in and she is so sweet. I am trying to get used to having her. It is so hard. I am still going to go and talk to someone. I feel so heart broken all the time. I hope that you are feeling better. Have you had any tests as yet? Please send my love to Art. He is very understanding as well. Yesterday when I opened my bedroom curtains I saw the little robin sitting on the hedge. It looked like it was guarding the house. Later on it was back again. I think that is so beautiful. That gives me some comfort. I am at my brothers today and Pip is here. She is quite at home which is good. The photo is of Gizzy last year on my brothers sofa. I am going to send a couple more of her as well if that's ok. I will send one of Pip when I get one. Love to you. Look forward to hearing from you. Love Claudia xx
Hi Barbara its bonfire night here so lots of noise. Its comforting that you think the beautiful robin is Gizzy. I look out for her everyday. I saw her this morning in the back garden on the tree. Also that she has sent Pip to be with me. I do think that too. We went to my brothers today. I was alright for a time but felt very upset on the way home. I still go over the day I took my angel to the vets. I go over the time before. I am blaming everyone. I feel cross at my mum. I know that it is the terrible unbearable grief that is driving me to think like that. I have calm times when I say to myself appropriate things about it and then it all gets too much and I feel angry and stressed. Pip is so lovely. I feel sorry for her in the fact that she has come to a new house and is just getting to know me. I know all rescue pets go through that but because I'm in such a difficult place with my sadness, I feel sad for her even though she seems very happy and will have a wonderful life like my Gizzy. She seems at home here which of course is good. I wish I could feel happy again. It is unbearable torture for me not having Gizzy but I know she is still here. In my heart and everywhere. Thank you for saying you wish you had a magic wand to mend my broken heart. I wish I could have helped you when your heart was broken too. I hope you and Scout are OK. Love to you both.( and Igor) love Claudiax
Hi Barbara you are so lovely and say all the kindest things. I cry every time I read your answers because I know you are going to say such sensible things and it is always a comfort to me. The little robin was around this morning. It was out the front when I got into my car. I look out for her every day. Pip is fine. She is getting on well being here. I believe that my sweetheart had a part in it, like you say. We talk about Gizzy everyday. Pip had her free check up with the vet today. She needed the worm and flea treatment because she has been scratching a lot even though the owner had said she'd been flead and wormed. I don't think he'd been honest. Next week she will get her vaccine done. The vet thought she looked healthy. I bought her a little jumper as the weather is now very cold. Gizzy had lovely coats and jumpers but they are being kept nicely in a heart basket with her lovely collars and leads and harnesses. Also Pip is very small so has to have size small things. I have worked this morning doing the early school run job. I had to leave Pip for the first time. About 2 hours. She had been howling by the front door. I will gradually leave her for a short time and come back so she gets used to it. She is very clingy at the moment which is understandable. We spent most of the day sorting out my garage. Giving it a tidy. I find doing things like that calming. Pip sniffed around and had a nice time. She loves to go under the covers at bed time. That was Gizzy favorite thing as well. Its the ***** *****'s trait. Send my love to Art, and to you and all your lovely pets. We all say thank you for helping us. Myself, Gizzy and Pip. Hope you are well and lots of luck when you have the tests. Hope Scout is well. Hopefully talk to you soon because i haven't heard back and miss you and all your heart felt replies and kindness. I'm upset again today as i am every day. Just waiting for the time when the pain ends. I dont think that will be for a long time. Just getting up each day and trying to live. Lots of love Claudiax
Hi Barbara sorry in not getting back to you earlier. I have been giving my garden a tidy up and also my garage and in between going to the morning job and just trying to do normal things. Pip is doing OK. She has settled in very well. The flea and worm treatment the vet gave me was advocate. She is still scratching her ear all the time so I have to get the vet to look properly in it. It might be mites or anything. She is having her vaccine on Friday. She was a locam vet the other day so didn't do anything. Newton sounds lovely. How nice he wants to sleep in Scouts bed. I see the robin now everyday. The comfort it gives me is so nice. I still wake up everyday and cry. I want to scream out loud I'm so upset about Gizzy. Little Pip helps in some ways with the pain. I just wish I had my life back from before. I know life is not like that. I just feel so lonely now. I know I shouldn't because I have got Pip and my little robin and of course my precious Gizzy around me all the time but I still feel empty. I am still lucky in many ways that I have got my health and my house and a family (even though they are not understanding). Some people haven't got anything. I must count my blessings. I am waiting to hear back about the councellor. It will be weeks I expect. I am still looking for another job as well. Financially need to. I am going to my brothers today and tomorrow. Pip doesn't want to go for walks. She just stands there. I walked around the block yesterday carrying her. Do you know why that might be? The harness which the old owner gave me was old and far too tight round her neck. I took it off her.I think that might have put her off walks. I bought her a new soft harness which fits her properly but she still won't walk with it on. Not sure what to do because she needs walks. Hope you are well. And Scout. Love to you. Claudiax
Thank you so much for your lovely words about Gizzy and I. That photo was taken a few Christmas's ago when we had lots of snow. She had a wonderful denium coat which always looked so cosy on her and sweet. It had a big collar which went up round her neck to keep her warm and we'd call her Elvis. It doesn't show in the picture very well. Gizzy has got snow on her face as well. Thank you for the great advice about trying to encourage Pip to walk. I will do those things and let you know how I get on. I'm sad to hear that your grief was so bad as well. I tell myself (although it doesn't really help) that when I cry, Gizzy cries. I obviously don't want her to cry (I'm crying now just writing it) but it makes me try and think that. The mornings when I wake up are horrendous. The realization that I have to live another day without her is so awful. I expect it was the same for you too. As I said before, I have got many blessings in my life so I mustn't be selfish I just can't help it. I know you understand first hand how it is. I look out for my beautiful robin everyday. I feel once I've seen her the day improves. Pip gives me lots of kisses in the morning too. She is so good. She waits for me to wake up and say good morning then she comes right up to my face and snuggles into my neck. The veterans day lunch sounds wonderful. I hope you have a great time and nice food. Thank you Barbara. Hope Scout is OK and Newton if you still have him. Love to you all. Love Claudiaxx
Thank you for saying Gizzy was wise and caring in sending me the robin and Pip. You are absolutely right. Thank you for saying also that I'm not selfish with my grief. Yes you are right about the mornings. Although I feel throughout the day I get so upset about Gizzy as well. I have been doing lots of things around the house to keep busy when I'm not at work. Pip is settling in nicely. She is getting used to coming out in the car. That's so good of Newton to go out on the walks with you. He sounds a fun cat. Hope Scout is well. How sweet she does tricks for carrots. No we don't have Applebees restaurants here in england. What sort of food do they do? I haven't heard anything yet about the councellor. Thank you Barbara for saying that you think my home is warm and cosy. I try to make it nice. I can imagine you having a wonderful place in California as well. The weather here is getting more wintery. Its raining a lot. Hope you are well. Look forward to hearing back. Lots of love Claudiax
Barbara you are such a kind lady. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had you to talk to. I cry every time I read your messages and when I reply. I am so upset still. I always think about if I had got her treatment that day. I have to keep reminding myself that she was in pain and I just wanted what was the best thing for my precious girl. I am still trying to make the garden all nice and I'm sort of doing it for Gizzy because I think of it as her garden. I have only seen the little robin a few times recently. The first thing I do in the morning is have a look out of my back door to see if I can see her. The place where you live sounds fabulous. Sounds like a film set. I hope you get some snow and rain though soon. I have seen The Holiday. Lots of times. Its a great film. I like the Jack Black character, although Jude Law is very handsome. The little house that Kate Winslet is meant to be living in is in the Cotswolds which is a beautiful county. I have been there a lot on holiday. Applebee's sounds really nice. I like places like that. Casual but nicer than fast food places. Mum and I like to go out for cups of tea and cake. Typically English. I haven't been getting on with my mum because I have been in such a horrible place and we have had arguments. My mum is bossy and even though I am a grown woman she still tries to tell me what to do and it drives me mad. She has had bad times in her life and thinks you just have to get on with it. Families are difficult. My sister has no compassion. I don't really see her much anyway and she hasnt been understanding of my feelings at all. I have lost faith in my family. My mum and I have made up but we will still clash I expect. I always wanted to move to the seaside with Gizzy. I had dreams of getting away from it all. I think we think that there will always be tomorrow. Pip and I are going to be alright though. I am lucky in so many ways. I just tell myself that Gizzy is happy and warm and having a lovely time with all our other beautiful animals in the meadow. I hope you have a wonderful time at the baby shower. Sounds perfect. Lots of love to you. Look forward to hearing from you soon. Love Claudiax
Hi Barbara. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. I kept thinking I must reply to Barbara and then I've started doing something and got distracted. I am still doing my back garden. I am trying to make it low maintenance by changing some areas where there is grass, to concrete. I am making a square area of grass and then having borders where I have plants. It has been raining a lot so very muddy. Also my garage roof has been leaking so I have been up the ladder and laying new roofing felt. Its still leaking so will have to put more up but I am tired of doing that. The robin has been in the garden with me. I saw it a few days after I'd said I hadn't seen it. I am going to buy a little nesting box and put it on the fence above the area where I have done the little lavender garden for my Gizzy. I am still crying everyday day for Gizzy. I actually can't bear my life without her. I just get through the day whether its at work or where ever feeling horrible and sad, but I just tell myself I will see her one day. She was just so perfect. I am not looking forward to Christmas without her. I am dreading it. I will have pip and that is a blessing I know. She is having to adjust to a new life and probably feeling scared inside and I love her very much already. When I took her to the vet last week she got some antibiotics as she had abit of an ear infection and she had her vaccine. I am taking her back on 1st to get her micro chipped. I just found going to the vet with a different dog and not Gizzy quite upsetting. I feel deep down that i should have waited longer before having another dog but i also think that Pip was meant to come to me. I just feel very tired at the moment. I am still cross with my mum. I understanding what you are saying about being a mum and that she loves me and i am sad to hear that your daughter has issues with you. You are such a wonderful person. You have said the most caring and understanding things to me. You have been my lifeline. I know its different with families. I just dont feel the same really towards my family. I have felt very alone dealing with Gizzy's loss and my heartache. I never felt alone when Gizzy was here. But even though i now have Pip, i feel alone. I love seeing my robin. That makes me better and i feel that she is part of my little family. She comes up very close to me and looks straight at me. She isn't scared. There is definitely something about this little robin. Pip still doesnt want to walk with her harness. I will gradually get her used to it. As long as she is happy I'm not worried about that at the moment. She comes out in the car with me and is getting used to that. I take her to my mums when I am doing my early job. Its only 3 hours but she was panic stricken when I left her. She was howling. I will try and gradually get her used to being at home if I go to work. She is insecure at the moment which I understand. I'm glad you had a great time at the baby shower with you old friends. Frank sounds nice too. Does he have family? Look forward to talking with you soon. Love to you, Scout,Newton and Frank and your friend Art who sounds like a really nice, kind person too. Love Claudiax
Hi Barbara thank you again for all your comforting advice. I'm glad that Art has someone living with him. That arrangement does seem good. Very sensible for him. I feel sorry for him that he was so lonely. Lovely that he has his dogs and cat though. Thank you for saying a prayer for my robin. That is so kind. Pip walked in her harness a couple of days ago in a garden centre. She did stop once or twice and not want to walk but then she carried on. She obviously had a bad experience going walking. I also think she was treated badly before. She gets scared if I say no to her bless her. She is such a loving dog. She wants to snuggle up under my neck. I am glad she is with me. I just am finding it hard in general with everything emotionally. She was meant to come to me I know. She seems really happy now. She has so many traits like my beautiful Gizzy. She rolls over to have her tummy rubbed. Gizzy always did that. I used to say to Gizzy kissy tummy and she would roll over. Pip has her head out of the car window and Gizzy always did that. Pip goes mad when she sees me and Gizzy did that. Pip loves the ball and Gizzy loved playing with balls. Pip loves looking out the window and so did Gizzy. Pip loves going under the covers in bed and Gizzy did that. Also the same foods and things. Gizzy loved my breakfast cereal and other little special treats and so does Pip. Gizzy followed me everywhere as well and so does Pip.Gizzy loved my brother and so does Pip. The other dogs in the family don't do those things so I know not all dogs do them. She has just fitted in so quickly at home and at my mums and when I go to my brothers. When I eventually start to leave her at home I will do that with the treat. Good idea. Gizzy didn't have that anxiety. She was with my mum to start with and mums other dogs and when she came to live with me, she was older and had a strong character. She loved being with me but if she did have to stay at home for whatever reason, she didnt howl. I have thought about writing down my feelings. As you say it gets it out of your mind for a time. She is just constantly in my thoughts. I want to cry all the time. Thank you for saying that Christmas will be better than I expect. I don't fell like celebrating as I don't feel happy. I am trying. I know that sounds silly. I have a lot to be happy for. I am just broken and devastated every day no matter what is going on. I haven't heard from the counsellor yet. Thank you for being kind about my family. You are exactly right. They just feel differently and that's that. Hope you and Scout are doing OK. And Newton and Frank. Happy thanksgiving day. Lots of love always Claudiax
Hi Barbara, your Thanksgiving Day sounds wonderful. Do you do the same for Christmas Day?
Thank you for praying for me that Christmas will be OK. I appreciate it so much. Pip and I will get up on Christmas morning and give a big kiss to Gizzy. I know it is difficult for other people at that time who are grieving for someone as well. I am crying as I write to you now. I miss Gizzy so much it hurts. I still wish everyday day that I had done something more to make her better. I know i am being selfish to say that as all i wanted was for Gizzy not to be suffering. I wish I had kissed her more that day and told her more that I loved her. I expect i did all those things it's just such a painful memory of that day for me. Its so awful thinking about it. I was a wonderful mummy to her I know. I have to tell myself that she was loved and adored and i would have done anything for her. She was my life. It is the intense grief and heart brake that's making me feel like this. I think everyone thinks the same when it happens to them. I still feel guilty too that i missed something or didnt see something. I just feel horrible and grief stricken every moment of every day. I cant talk to anyone as i am on my own. My mum doesnt really know what to say to me. She just gets angry and says shes had so much upset in her life and to stop it. I have got nice friends who i text and some have lost their pets and know its terrible but i havent been able to meet up with anyone as i cry all the time and its too hard. I have been blessed talking to you and being able to tell you my feelings. You have helped me the most Barbara. God bless you for being there for me. I am going to write down lots of my feelings as you said. Some of my therapy is getting my garden all nice. I am keeping busy that way. I am also applying for jobs. I am just getting through each day really. I hope it doesn't sound dramatic to you me saying that. It's just i have lost my life that i had for so long with the most precious thing i could ever have and i am having to re build it and i'm finding it so hard. It's excrutiating actually.As i never married or had children, Gizzy was all of that rolled into one. She was my family. We were alittle family unit Gizzy and I. We had a lovely life together. I wish i could feel normal again. I hate feeling this way. Pip is such a comfort though. She has a lovely character and once again I have been blessed with having another such beautiful dog in my life.
I haven't bought the bird house yet. I hope my Angel Robin will go in it when I put it up.I have seen her this morning eating the bread I put out for her.
Austin sounds funny. Its kind of you to do the walking for Art. Baxter sounds nice too. Pip is liking her jumper that I got. She wasn't wanting to walk in it before. She is getting more confident. I haven't been to Gizzy's park yet with Pip. I even find it upsetting when I drive past it. I will be able to go there but just still can't at the moment. Everything is filled with emotion and sadness for me still. I know you felt like that too when you lost Igor.
Hope you are well. Hope your stomach problem is getting a bit better. Love to everyone. Thank you for all your kindness and time you have given me Barbara. I hope you are well and everything is OK as I haven't heard from you for awhile. Don't feel you have to always reply though. I know how busy you are. I just get a lot of comfort from your kindness. If you are able to keep in touch that would be good. Thank you Barbara again. I'm still struggling but trying to get on with life as difficult as it is. Pip is a lifeline too. She is a little Gizzy. Beautiful. Lots of love Claudiax
Hi Barbara so sorry its taken me a bit of time to get back to you. The trip to see your daughter and grandson sounds wonderful. You must miss them so much. I have been trying to keep busy. I have been going down to my brothers twice a week to do decorating for him. He lives with his two ***** *****'s called Charlie Brown and Snoopy. He lives in a suburb of London. Pip enjoys coming there with me like Gizzy did. Pip has settled in incredibly well. She is very affectionate. She is walking better in her harness but just stops then starts to walk again. She is doing well though. As I said before she has lots of traits like my Gizzy. I have read about Pet Reincarnation. I have wandered if part of Gizzy is in Pip. Also I have the beautiful Robin. The other day she came right up to me and then flew back. There is definitely something about the Robin. She stares at me and the other day when I came back I went into the garden and she was sitting all fluffed up in the laurel tree as if she was waiting for me. I still havent got the little house but will get it when I see a nice one. I am still getting the garden looking nice. I have always tried to keep it looking OK but when the winter comes it all starts to look a bit messy. We have got frost today. Very cold but its sunny too which is nice. I am starting to try and get presents for Christmas. Every time I think about it I feel so tearful but I am being a bit stronger. We are going out to eat on Christmas Day to a place where I used to take Gizzy when we went out sometimes for Sunday lunch as it takes dogs. I am so worried that i will just cry all day. I havent been there since i lost Gizzy. It was my mums idea as every year we normally have Christmas at home but the shopping and preparation and cost of the food etc. this year we are having someone else do it. I'm not really looking forward to it. It will be extremely hard for me. I understand that Christmas time can be hard for many people though who are grieving for someone. When you feel so horrible you think its just you and everyone else is fine. I'm sure that's not the case. Like you said with you for some Christmases. I think I will cry for Gizzy for the rest of my life. In fact I know I will. Losing her is like losing my world and myself. I haven't been the same person since losing her.I was so happy and enjoyed life and would talk all the time and laugh. I would love getting up and planning the day when i wasnt working. The lovely walks we used to have. She was so incredible. Her character. Everywhere we went people would talk to her. When she had her head out of the car window people what smile at her.Now I still feel sort of empty although in my heart, which is what is keeping me going, I know Gizzy is right by my side. Either in the Robin, in Pip or just there. I feel that. Yesterday the most perfect long white feather just landed on my foot in the garden. Either that is from my beautiful Gizzy or my Guardian Angel letting me know I'm not alone. I haven't got a lot of pictures of my house and garden. I took a lot when I first moved in but not since I've done it up. I haven't got a photo of Pip yet either. If I can takes some and send them to you I will try.
I understand that a Pet loss group might be helpful. I'm not sure if I can listen to other peoples heart brake. I would just sit there and cry the whole time. I'm not meaning that in a selfish way. I am just sensitive to everything and I would just be a wreck. I am getting through it. I just have to live each day and be blessed with what I have and do the things I am doing. Pip is like Gizzys baby. She is so like her in many ways but has her own little ways as well. I am very lucky that she is with me too. I want to say thank you again to you Barbara for always saying wonderful comforting things to me. You are lovely. Thank you. I am pleased you are feeling better with your stomach. I feel I know you like you are my family and want you to be OK. Please send my love to everyone. The picture of Gizzy and I was quite along time ago in my mums old house, but I love it as it sums up my love for her. Hope you like it. My little family here send our love back. Lots of love Claudiax
Hi Barbara Thank you for being so caring for me. Really pleased you like the picture. I am getting through my grief because I have faith. I believe my sweetheart Gizzy is with me. Through the lovely Angel Robin, and in Pip. Also having my Guardian Angel by my side. I believe in God and I know he watches people and is giving me all this help. Finding you as well is a blessing from God. Thank you Barbara for being there for me at this sad time for me. I appreciate having you helping me too so much. I will just be strong on Christmas Day while we are at the restaurant. My mum wants to go there and has put a deposit down. I have said to you in the past I think that I can't get upset in front of my family. They aren't understanding. Its sad for me in that all I want when I feel tearful about Gizzy is an arm round me and for someone to just say its OK. My brother just turns on me, and says its been ages and to get over it. That attitude on top of my feeling sad for Gizzy is very hard for me. My mum is the same. She will say to go and cry behind closed doors and they don't want to see my grief. I have been a wonderful daughter to my mum. I have been there for her through hell and high water. I have been patient and kind and always helped her when she has needed it. The same with my brother. I have been there for him whenever he has needed it. I have a sister who is useless and never been any help to anyone and another brother who is married but never helps my mum or cares particularly. Its a shame but there's nothing I can do about how they are. Its unbelieveable to me as I am completely the opposite. Your Thanksgiving and Christmas times by the coast sound nice. Do you still have your Mum? Its lovely that the lady who you are helping has a new dog that is like her other dog. I am certain and feel it in my heart that Gizzy is part of Pip. Although I cry for my sweetheart, I have got a lot of inner strength that comes from all the lovely things that are surrounding and helping me at this time. I hope you have a fantastic time at your daughters for Christmas. Sending my love to you all. Love Claudiax
Hi Barbara. Have a great time in Taiwan. Please don't worry if you don't get a chance to stay in touch while you are away. The time you have given me so far has been unbelieveable. I hope you have a lovely enjoyable time. You deserve it. Thank you for all your prayers for me. I can't thank you enough for everything you have said to me. Bless you. I hope Frank, Art, Scout, Newton, Baxter and Austin are all OK. And your beloved Igor who is with you too. Lots of love and warm wishes for a lovely Christmas for you and everyone. Love Claudia, My precious Gizzy, Darling Pip and the beautiful special little Angel Robin xx
Thank you for saying that. You are a very special person to have helped me so much. I am crying as I write this. I understand what you mean about the world. You are right. Look forward to hearing from you when you are able. I wish you lots of love and happiness and I hope one day I will feel happy again like I did before. I have had a horrendous half a year and have been at the lowest point of my life but I must always remember the beautiful life I had with Gizzy and that she wants me to have a happy heart and not a broken one. I am trying to build it up again with what i have now. Best wishes to everyone again.love Claudiax
Hi Barbara, so lovely to hear from you. Sorry for the little delay in getting back to you. Glad your visit to your daughter is going well. Sounds like Kai is a little monkey. The age of 2 is challenging from my experience of looking after children of that age and with family members. I will have a look on Facebook for your photos. I'm sure you don't look old, bless you. It did come through the address which is good. I am keeping busy with things. I had a cry this morning. It gets overwhelming the grief still, and then I make myself focus on other things. The tears are still there most days. I always have in my mind things like if only I had done this or that. If only I hadn't gone into work that Monday or other things. I then tell myself that at the time I thought I was making the right choices. No one knows what's round the corner. I know in my heart that I was a wonderful mummy to Gizzy and that I tried to always have her best interests at heart. Its just my head says other things like did I do the right things. I don't have any one to go over it with a part from you so I have to tell myself these things and just carry on. I will have to be strong tomorrow. I realize that there are a lot of people who have lost loved ones and dread Christmas. I am not alone in that respect. I watched a programme about the tsunami 10 years on and how awful that was for people losing their loved ones. So many things happen to people. Here in this country there are a lot of elderly people who are on their own and very lonely. I don't know if in America its the same. Families don't appear to care much for the elderly here. I often think how hard that must be. I have said to my mum that I will always look after her when she is elderly and can't look after herself anymore.
Pip is doing well. She seems very happy. She walks in her harness. I took her to the park where Gizzy and I used to go to up my road the other day for the first time. I found it too hard to go there before now. She was very good. She stayed with me and had a little run. I cried a bit but thought that Gizzy would want me to take Pip there. Gizzy loved it there. She would have a lovely run. We spent a lot of time there when I wasn't working. Especially when the sun was out it was lovely. Always quiet. Never many people around. Or we would sometimes go there in the early evenings. It was one of Gizzy's and mines favorite times. That and having days at home together. I will make memories with Pip like that I know. She is really lovely Barbara. I have been blessed again. Through this sadness I know I am being helped by God and my beautiful sweetheart looking down. I even feel that she is a part of Pip. I can feel it. And the Angel Robin. I'm going to put the house up today. I see her everyday. Its a beautiful comfort. Thank you for praying for me for this Christmas time. That is so kind and caring of you. Thank you with all my heart. Please thank Frank for his kind thoughts, and Art when you next see him and I hope he is OK over Christmas as I know he is still very heartbroken himself. Love to Scout when you see her.
Have a lovely night tonight, and a lovely Christmas Day and Boxing Day. I will let you know how it all goes here as well. Take care. Love Claudia and my precious Gizzy and my precious Pip and little Angel Robin xxx
Dear *****, Happy New Year. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. I hope you had a lovely time with your family. I realized that I needed to write first so you could reply. So sorry. I was thinking i might hear from you earlier but its no problem at all. For that reason it has have taken me this long to write to you. I wasn't sure when you were returning from your trip either. I couldn't find you on Facebook. Anyway I hope you are all OK. I had an OK Christmas. I cried quite a lot in the morning when I was at home but put on a brave face for the rest of the day. Same on Boxing Day. I wanted to be brave so to speak for my Gizzy and also for Pip. She is lovely and a little gift from Heaven. I have bad days and better days. Actually today I felt very sad. I was with my mum and brother but just felt horrible inside. I don't show it now. I grieve privately at home really. Its been that way for ages. I have my little angel Robin. I don't see her everyday but always look out for her. I hope she doesn't leave and go somewhere else once winter comes to an end. I will be very upset I think.
I am still applying for more work. The nanny agencies are incompetent.
Hopefully something will come up as financially its a bit of a struggle. I am still going down to my brothers but just once a week plus I'm doing my early morning nanny job. Its ok but have to earn more to survive.
I hope Scout is OK and Frank and Art and his doggies. Look forward to hearing from you soon. Love Claudiax
Dear ***** I hope you are OK. I am worried I haven't heard back. If you are busy don't worry. You have been the most understanding and caring person to me through what was the worst time of my life and I want to say thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I don't know if I would have survived to be honest if you hadn't said the most lovely things. Telling me what would have been wrong with my Gizzy and helping me understand. Your unbelievable patience. I still feel so incredible sad everyday but from having your help and reading your stories gave me bit by bit strength to get by each day. I wish I could somehow print all our posts to make it into a little book but I don't know how to do that as there isn't a print icon on the page.
Once again, it would be wonderful to hear from you and to let me know about your stay with your family and how your Christmas went and hopefully I will hear back soon.
Its my Birthday on the 20th Jan. Not sure how I will feel. Pip is as lovely as ever and is settled right in now. We have the same routine that I had with Gizzy, which is nice. She is a little light in what would otherwise be, a dark and lonely place for me. I haven't seen the Angel Robin for nearly a week. I hope she is still around. I put up a little house for her but she hasn't been in it yet. I hear singing in the garden so it might be her in the trees.
Barbara lots of love to you.
I will keep you posted with things with me. I hope everyone over there is OK. Frank, Art, your precious Scout and Baxter and Austin. Hope your daughter, son in law and grandson are OK too.
Love always, Claudiaxx
Hi Barbara, I'm sorry for the delay in replying to your other message. Pleased you had a great trip to Taiwan. You sounded shattered but sounded like you enjoyed the stay with your family. Thank you once again for saying you are proud of how I am doing. I agree about grieving. If you are told to stop ( which my family were practically saying) it isn't the right way to help someone. Every time I felt upset about Gizzy in front of my mum she would say go and cry in private. That was only a few weeks after Gizzy moved to Heaven. I wanted desperately to talk about what had happened and all the things surrounding it but just couldn't with anyone in my family. My friends were more sympathetic. I have seen Angel. I hadn't seen her for a few days and really hoped that she hadn't gone. I looked up about the migrating as well and it said that its more the males that move and if there is food (fruit especially) they tend to stay. I was really pleased to read that. I have seen her now and so I am happy about that. Its very cold here at the moment so the birds probably stay in the trees more and come out for food. I'm not sure. Thank you too for looking up about the Robins and giving your info on what they do too. You are so kind and thoughtful. Pip is doing really well. She loves Gizzy's park. She is very loving. I am lucky to have her. Sorry to hear about Newton.Does he live with you now? Hope all the tests are OK. And Austin. Hope he is OK. Our precious pets are such a tug on our heart strings. Thank Art for his kind and caring words. Please say the same to him as I know he has been very heart broken too. I am going to sign up with a new nanny agency on wed. The ones I am with are useless. Hopefully be able to get a nice job through the new one. Its my Birthday tomorrow. I am going over to my mums and we might have lunch out somewhere. As it was my mums Birthday a week ago so yesterday we had a big extended family lunch out. I am feeling better being around people again but I still know I'm not quite myself. I always feel a bit numb still with everything. Just not myself. Maybe I won't ever be the person I was when I had Gizzy. Something definitely died inside me that dreadful day. I hope that doesn't sound too extreme Barbara. I just meant I was completely broken. Like you said how you felt when you lost Igor. There just doesn't seem happiness inside anymore even though I have a lot to be happy and very grateful for. I smile now and have even laughed at times but its not from the heart just yet. Pip is beautiful. She could be Gizzy there is so much resemblance. I just don't know if I have just been incredibly lucky to have such a similar sweetheart, or my precious darling has been reincarnated in to Pip. I have read about it and tried to understand it. It seems to good to be true. I do think Pip has somehow tried to tell me with some things she does. I don't know but if it is true, God has blessed me more than words can say. I'm crying now as I write this. Anyway, hope you've settled back home now. Love to all of the pets and to you, Frank and Art.
Love always - Claudia x
Hi Barbara thank you for the belated Happy Birthday. I like it to go on all the month too. The day was good. I had lots of presents and cards. I cried a lot when I was on my own then just got on with it. I know that I have so much to be grateful for so when I dry my tears I make myself remember that.
Barbara are you able to print all our messages off your end? I would love to have this on paper. Its been my journal of recovery in a way. You are such a caring and understanding person who has helped me more than you can imagine. I will always be so incredibly grateful for your help. I don't know whether you are able to have my address on this or its deleted. I know your email address was deleted. I wander if there is a way its just that if my tablet or computer breaks I won't have this. I could see if I can get my address passed through the website then on to you. I hope Austin and Newton are doing alright. Let me know how they get on. Glad Scout and Baxter are OK. Hope you are well too. Has your stomach problem been better? Lots of love to all of you out there. I'm still sorting out about work. Also jobs in my house and garden. Look forward to hearing from you. Love and big hugs back, Claudiax
Dear *****, thank you for your last 2 messages. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I'm glad you are feeling better with your tummy. My mum has got an inflamed esophegus and has been been I'll with it. She had an endoscopy ( I think that's what it was) to see what was going on. It has got slightly better over time. She has to be careful what she eats and nothing acidy. She has diverticular disease as well so has been reasonably careful for years to eat the right things. (Doesn't stop her from being bossy though!)
Pleased Newton and Austin are doing alright. They are in good hands. Great that Scout and Baxter are good too.
Hope Art is OK. He is lucky to have you as a friend to help him with all those things. Send my love.
Thank you so much for finding out about being able to print all this off. My tablet went funny the other day and I was worried I may have lost all this. I can't print at home so when I get a moment I will go somewhere where I can do it.
Hope everything else is OK with you. I'm still applying for more work. Still doing jobs around the house too. I see Angel most days. She didn't go into her house on the fence but you never know. At least she is still coming in to the garden. Pip is fine and very happy. I still have this terrible ache for my precious Gizzy. I'm crying as I write this I find it so painful still. I kiss her photo night and morning. I worry that she isn't happy. I know it sounds silly. Its because of my grief and feeling so unhappy still myself that I think she is feeling that way too. I have to convince myself that I'm sure she is as she is in the most beautiful place.
Hi Barbara. Thank you so much for all that help with the printing. I haven't done it yet as I need to go to the library to do it. I think I will make a little book of our messages. Like a keepsake. I will be forever grateful for all your help. I have put chopped apple in Angels house and seed but I don't think she has been in there. I had the same idea as you about that! As long as I keep seeing her in the garden it doesn't matter if she doesn't go in the house. Its there if she needs it.
Mum does take antacids. She was on antibiotics as well when it was inflamed. She has bad joint problems so was taking a lot of antinflamatory tablets which contributed to causing problems as well.
Thank you for describing so caringly about Gizzy and how she would be feeling. What a lovely thing to say about it. Reading that makes me feel comforted and better about it all. I just want her to be so happy and having a precious, wonderful time until I'm back together with her again. I don't know if my broken heart will ever mend completely. I just have to try and be strong for her and for Pip and be thankful for what I have. I am still doing more jobs at home. I have been helping my mum do jobs at her house too. I have an interview tomorrow for a 3 day nannying job with 3 children. I'm still doing my early morning job as well. We have got snow here so its very cold.
I hope everyone is doing well over there. Let me know how everyones doing. Hope you are well and lots of thank you's and love to you as always. Look forward to hearing from you. Love Claudiax
Hi Barbara. Thank you for your message. Hope you are well. I have printed off our posts. I am going to put them in a little folder or book. Thank you for finding out how to do it again. I'm not sure how I can print off just our messages from now onwards rather than printing it all off again.
I am struggling a bit with the sadness at the moment. I didn't know there could be such emotional pain inside. I miss Gizzy so much. I know it has been 6 months now but its still so raw. I think its because I don't really have anyone to talk to about it here. I don't say anything to my mum. I just pretend I'm OK. I never heard back from getting grief counselling. I'm not going to find out now as I don't think it will help. I am going through the grief in a normal way I know that and quite naturally am missing the most precious thing in my life and the life we shared. Its obviously harder as I am on my own. I keep looking back and having a feeling that I wish it had been different. I wish I had brought her home but that's because I wanted that and not because it would have been the right thing for Gizzy. I seem to have lost a lot of my confidence. I feel that I am not the same person anymore. I feel very empty inside. I love Pip. Of course. I just feel differently about everything. She is so sweet. She reminds me as I said before of Gizzy in lots of ways. I feel blessed about that. We go up to the park when the sun comes out. I find it hard but I watch Pip and she's happy so that makes me feel better.
I'm still waiting to hear about the job. Might hear today. If not there will be something else.
I'm pleased all the pets are doing OK. Send my love to Art. Sorry to hear that Frank hadn't been well before. Pleased he is alright now though. And so pleased you are feeling better. Life is very hard at times, isn't it.
Send my love and hugs to everyone including the animals. Look forward to hearing from you soon. Lots of love Claudia and Pip, precious sweetheart Gizzy and my little Angel Robin xx
Hi Barbara. Lovely to hear from you. Thank you so much for your beautiful, kind words. Everything you say is exactly how it is. You understand so incredibly how I am feeling and say such perfect things. I cry every time I read your replies, but they are unbelievably comforting to me because I know you know what you are saying as a vet and as a person who has experienced all the pain and emotion as well. I don't think I will ever get over losing my precious Gizzy because she meant so much to me. I knew I adored her and loved her with all my heart and soul when she was here, but after she moved to Heaven I don't think I realsed how much. I revolved most of my life around her, tried to at least. I hated going to work but obviously that's something we all have to do. I had lots of lovely plans of what Gizzy and I would do in the future and took everything for granted in a way. I wish I had done certain things differently now. I torture myself that if I had done this or that, then maybe my angel would still be here. Perhaps she could have had some other heart medication or painkillers if she had pains anywhere. I just keep going over it. I know that she was at an incredible age and I was ( and always will be) so proud of her. I say it out loud now so she can hear me and I tell her l love and will see her again. I was incredibly lucky to have had her in my life. I just miss her so much. I have cried every single day since that day. My brother did say something nice the other day while I was talking to him on the phone. I said that Pip was so much like Gizzy in her ways and he said its because of the way you are treating her. She is loving like Gizzy because you are so loving to her. He was actually understanding when I got tearful. I think he realizes how hard it has been for me. Pip is beautiful Barbara. I know she knows that I am upset but she is very happy. We are growing our life bit by bit together. She has made this devastating experience better in a little way. I have someone to talk to and look after and have a reason to live for. I know I have my family but I'm basically on my own. Being a mummy to Gizzy was heaven. I lost that and now even just saying to Pip come with mummy is hard as for so many years I was Gizzys mummy. I'm pouring out my emotions again to you Barbara. I'm so sorry if I go on.
I got the 3 days job which I start next week. Its Tues/ Wed/Thurs. Its for around 3 months. There are 3 children. One girl 16 months, one boy 4 and a girl of 6. Will be a handful but I am used to it. I have done many jobs like that so am sure it'll be fine. When I am working, the pain and thoughts of Gizzy are there but because I have to put my mind on to something else it helps with the grief. Its when I finish and drive home it all comes flooding back. I used to be so excited about seeing Gizzy at the end of a day that I'd been working. She was so pleased to see me too. She would literally jump into my arms despite her age. I now have Pip to look forward to seeing. She has the same passion and love in her which is lovely.
Do you celebrate Valentines Day? If you do, hope you have lots of lovely treats as you deserve it.
Send my love to all of you. Pets and people. Hope you are all doing OK. Will let you know how it goes next week. Angel Robin is still here. She comes and has a feed. She sits in a little bowl that Gizzy used to have biscuits in which is sweet. I put seed and bread plus chopped apple in it. Sometimes little crumbled biscuits as a treat. I have got quite a few birds in the garden. Its nice to watch them. Angel didn't go in the little house I put up. I could put it in a different place to see if that works. I have got a very big laurel bush which is where most of the birds go and its cosy inside. So hopefully they are all warm. Birds have a nice life. I would like to come back as a bird one day. Thank you for being so kind.
Hope to hear from you soon. Love Claudiax
Hi Barbara. I haven't heard from you and I hope everything is alright. I understand that you are very busy. The job is going OK. Its tiring but I am used to that. Once I finish that job I will need to look for another one. I have an interview lined up so if that's not any good then I'm sure there will be something else.
I just want to take this opportunity to say the biggest thank you to you Barbara. You have been my lifeline. I would really like it if we could keep in touch. I am on face book so please try and find me as I was unable to find you before.
I still feel so sad and still cry everyday. I am coping now and know that one day I will see my precious little girl again in Heaven. I miss her everyday and wish she was here but I know she is in a wonderful place and healthy and happy. I was blessed with having her in my life and have to always thank our lovely God for that privilege now and forever.
God bless you too Barbara. Thank you again for all your help and understanding and for being there for me during the worst time of my life.
Lots of love and hugs for you and Scout, Newton and Frank and Igor. Love to Art and Austin and Baxter too.
Love Claudia, Gizzy, Pip and Angel. Xxx
Dear *****. I am so happy to hear your news about the twins. Congratulations to you as a grandma and to your daughter. I have twins in the family. My eldest brother has got 8 year old twins, a boy and girl. Kai will enjoy being the big boy and I'm sure, helping out.
You are so lovely saying that you can't wait to meet Gizzy. She knows you have helped me in so many ways and I'm sure will give you lots of love when the times comes. I look forward to meeting you in Heaven as well. We'll have lots of stories to tell each other and lots of our past pets to introduce to one another. How lovely. You told me about the story called Heaven is for real. It sounds perfect. Its what's keeping me going in this life. Knowing about our wonderful Heaven.
I'm so sorry to hear that Austin isn't doing well. My heart goes out to Art. All we can do is our best and we always try to do that.
Thank you for re opening the post. That's so kind. My surname is***** you can find me on Facebook. I will take another look and see if I can find you too.
Lots of love to you all. Love Claudiaxx
I love you all too. You are my American family. I hope you are all alright. I am ok. I'm getting on with my life with a very sad heart and a big piece of me missing in my beautiful Gizzy. Pippi makes me smile and she will mean the same to me as Gizzy did and still does, in time. I still get upset when my mind starts to think about my precious, but I just have to get on with things. I have no choice. We have to and appreciate what we have. Thank you Barbara.
Love to everyone there.
Love always - Claudia
Hi Barbara on my Facebook page it will say my full name Claudia Louise Alexandra Wilson. I live in Flitwick in Bedfordshire and I went to Roundwood Park School. Hopefully we will try and find each other.
Sadly I haven't seen my Angel Robin for awhile. I hope she comes back. I feel very sad about it but there isn't anything I can do. Perhaps she thinks she has done what she set out to do, and that was to bring me comfort in the garden when I was so upset. Perhaps she feels I'm recovering. I don't know. I'm crying writing this. She helped me more than words can express. Seeing her in my garden everyday. Looking after her. She knew I found it so hard to even go in the garden and she made it easier to go out there again.
I hope you are all OK. I hope Austin is alright. Love to you all.
Love Claudia, and Gizzy and Pippigizzy ( that's her little name I like to call her because she is just like a little Gizzy). And Angel Robin where ever she is. Bless her little sweetheart.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Hi Barbara I'm so happy you have found me on Facebook. I have just confirmed you as a friend. I took a photo of Pip today and will put it on there for you to see. I'm pleased that Austin is alright.
I will read your message on Facebook.
Hope you are all OK. I'm still struggling with my grief but I'm just getting on with it. I miss Gizzy so much but know I will be back with her again at some point in the future. I am living for each day.
Love to you.
Love from us here xxx
Hi Barbara I'm so sorry to hear such sad news. I feel so upset. Thank you for telling me though and getting in touch. Please send my love to Art. Its good that he was ready in a way. Still so sad. I wasn't ever ready for what happened with my precious sweetheart. I sort of had a thought every now and again about it but was wrapped up in life and her and everyday things I suppose that because she looked so well for her age I thought she would carry on forever so to speak. Like we all think in a way. I was mindful of her age in lots of aspects like giving extra care with some things and being careful with her etc. but I can't really explain it, I just carried on living this wonderful life with her without that thought.
I haven't seen Angel. I feel so sad about it. I put seed out and apple and bread and clean water. I don't know where she is. I always look out for her and hope I'll see her. It might be because she has migrated. I read that they don't always do that but I just don't know. Thank you for asking about her. As you know she was my little saviour and I'll never forget that. She's in my heart where ever she is always.
I hope you are well. And Frank and and Scout and Baxter and Newton. Give a little hug to Art from me and I'll be thinking about him.
I have been for several interviews and have got a job starting in May when this one finishes. I still find life hard without Gizzy. I still feel empty and unbearably sad. I just now put on a brave face and get on with it. My little Pip is very precious to me though and she has fitted in so well. She is lovely. I'm am lucky that we found each other when I really just felt like curly up and dying. She has given me a reason to get on with things as well. So sorry I'm going on again.
I couldn't find your message to me on Facebook. That's why I haven't replied. It might be because I'm on my tablet and its a mobile site and not a full site.
I am going to see if I can send a picture of Pip.
Love to you and everyone, my American family.
Love always - Claudiax
Hi Barbara, I always cry when I read your posts because whatever you say its so kind and caring. Thank you as always for that. I'm glad that Art is getting on alright. So sad about Austin although it sounds like he was suffering poor sweetheart. He had the best care though. I hope I gave the best care to my precious sweetheart. I loved her so much I hope I did everything possible. I do feel her around me at home. I wake in the night and have a feeling. I was on my landing a little while ago and definitely touched something with my leg. It gives me anormous comfort if I know she is there. You are right about me probably carrying sadness for the rest of my life. I have good days but the pain is constantly there.
I'm not really on Facebook much. I will look out for a message from you but don't worry if you don't go on it much either. At least we have now made contact that way. Well done on your swim. That's wonderful. You must be very fit. That's really good. I am trying to send a photo of Pip but I can't attach it for some reason or other. I'll have another go at some point. I still haven't seen Angel. Like you say she might now be helping someone else. That's a beautiful thought.
Love to all my American family, love Claudiax
Hi Barbara, I have found your message on Facebook. I don't know why it has only just come through. That's great. As I said I don't write much on it but I will to you. Thank you for saying you like the photos. They are a mixture of old and some more recent. I can put a picture of Pip on it so you can see her as its proving difficult to put the picture on this page. Thank you for congratulating me on my new job. Its permanent so it'll be for as long as they need me or for as long as I can do it. Its 3 days, Mon, Wed, Fri. From 7.00am until 2.30pm. Wed until 5.30pm. There are 4 children. Boy 3, Girl 5, Boy 8, Boy 10. I will only have all four in the morning before school then the 3 year old from 1.00pm as he is attending Nursery. Then Weds after school. I then in the time they are at school will do the nursery duties, like the childrens beds, cooking, and that sort of thing. I don't mind doing that as I am very practical and organized. Hopefully it will be OK. Not hugely looking forward to it but once I get in to the routine it will be alright. Mum will have Pip. I had to leave her at home a little while ago for about 4 hours and she was very anxious but normally will take her to mums. Mum and I still clash. We are not seeing one another as much. She has her ways and I have mine and we find it difficult. Its sad for me as I want to get on with her, she's my mum and I love her, but its just how it is unfortunately. She looks after Pip if I work but that's it.
My advice to your daughter about Kai is to involve him in the twins lives once they come along. He can help get the nappies or pass things and he will feel grown up and needed. Its always hard as there will be some jealousy as the twins will be needing a lot of attention but as your daughter will know, she can possibly allocate a special time each day or evening to Kai so he will not feel left out. He's at an age where he can help so that's good. Lovely for your daughter to have twins. I'm sure it will be fine and as you have a wonderful caring and understanding nature that when you visit you will be a fantastic grandmother to all three!
Thank you also for saying that I made the right decision for my Gizzy. Just reading your words helps me to see that. You understand it so well and describe exactly how it was so well too. Thank you. Love to all of my American family. I'm going to my brothers today. The weather now is quite nice. The sun is shining which is good. Love always, Claudiaxx
Hi Barbara, hope you are well. Just wanted to say Happy Easter to all my American family.
The job I was telling you about isn't going ahead now. The children were badly behaved and I was thinking that it would be too much as there were 4 children. There were problems with the contract too. I am applying for other jobs so I'm glad that I'm not now doing that one.
There's still no sign of Angel. I'm very sad about it but I can't let it get to me too much as I have been through enough upset that I'm still trying to come to terms with as you know. It was so beautiful and comforting seeing her and feeling that she had been sent to help. I'm sure she is still around and nearby to watch over myself and Pip. I hope Art is coping alright still after his sad loss with Austin.
Anyway love to you and everyone.
Love Claudia and all your English familyx
Hi Barbara, your lovely reply as always. Thank you for your Happy Easter message too. We are going to a garden centre which is really nice where we go a lot. It has a great restaurant and the food is nice. It has lovely gifts and lots of other nice things to buy. Plus a big area with all gardening things. We are meeting up with family so there will be 5 of us. Some of my family are doing other things. I am feeling a bit low at the moment. I'm quite tired. My relationship with my mum is still strained. Not next week but the week after I have got holiday leave so will spent time at home doing jobs around the house and garden which I find relaxing. I still feel such pain not having Gizzy. I almost dread each day. Its been about seven months so really early days still isn't it. She was my world and I miss her so much its almost unbearable but I just have to carry on and try and be happy somehow. I know Pip is absolutely beautiful. She and I have a lovely life together as far as getting another little precious to spent my life with I have been blessed with that again. Its just I still feel incredibly empty. I can't really explain it. I'm getting on with life as you know and some days I feel half normal but never quite the same as I was.
Glad that Frank and Art like the idea of an English family. That's what we are. I feel you are my American family all of you and all the animals as well. We might never meet but I know you are there. Thank you for that. Once again hope you have a wonderful Easter. I'll keep you informed of any of my possible new jobs. I hope you are OK as its been a bit of time since I've heard from you. I have been for two more interviews and one of them I hope to get. Its shorter hours and one boy of a year. We'll see. One bit of happy news is that I have seen Angel. She was in the garden a couple of days ago. So pleased about that. I haven't seen her since but just seeing her that one time knowing she is still around is good. I didn't tell you about something that happened ages ago with Angel. One morning I could hear a lot of noise like things falling over and Pip got up and heard it and on the landing window will was Angel. She had come in the back door as it was open, and flown upstairs. She was then trying to get out of the window but it doesn't open so was flying about. I couldn't believe that she'd done that and thought she might have been looking for me in the house. Anyway I managed to grab her gently behind a basket and put her back outside. She then flew off but was fine. I kept forgetting to tell you about that but thought it was a nice story to tell you.
Anyway I'm still doing things in the garden now the weather is better. Pip is well. Hope everyone there is well. Love to everyone. I was thinking that if its OK with you, that once you've replied I am going to print off this again and put it all in a pretty folder so can we then keep in touch through our email?
Look forward to hearing from you soon. Love always - Claudiax