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Clare
Clare, Family Solicitor
Category: Family Law
Satisfied Customers: 33507
Experience:  I have been a solicitor in High Street Practise since 1985 and have specialised in Family Law for the last 10 years
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my girlfriend is going through mediation with her ex partner

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my girlfriend is going through mediation with her ex partner with whom she has has two children. it was quite an abusive relationship and he is very intimadating towards her. She has to be in contact with him as they have equal time with the two boys. Inbetween mediation sessions he is uncooperative and can be abusive in his text messages. We have tried going through a third party to avoid contact which didnt work. He is a difficult person to deal with but seems able to send abusive messages because it upsets her and usuall y replies. Any help would be appreciated
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Family Law
Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Thank you for your question.
My name is Clare
I will do my best to help you but I need some further information first.
How old are the children and how is their care shared between the parents
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Parental responsibility is shared fairly 50/50. But he is extremely difficult on everything. Boys are 8 and 10

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
How does the shared care actually work in the average week?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Clare, A typical week is Sunday afternoon Nicky picks boys up from Ex partners at 430pm, drops them at school and has them Monday night. However the boys have football training, ex partner is always there. Tuesday boys go to school ex has them from tuesday afternoon 330pm until school. School pick up 330pm wednesday Nicky has boy, however wednesday night football training again, he is always there. Thursday they stop with Nicky again through to friday am school. Fri night is shared alternate weeks. Saturday morning boys always go to football, he is always there then they go overnight to his until Sunday afternoon 430pm. Problem is he doesnt work as he doesnt have to as he has money and my girlfriend does. He has the lifestyle to be flexible but wont. He doesnt contribute financially towards everyday stuff, school trips etc but has them 50% of the time

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Sorry - do you mean that she never has a weekend with the children?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

No as she works either 12pm-9pm Saturday or 5pm- 11pm Saturday then 8am-3pm Sundays

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Just to check - Mum has them every Sunday Monday Wednesday and Thursday and alternate Fridays is that correct?
What is the purpose of the current mediation?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Sunday from 430pm , Monday morning school then tea and football. He takes them as Nicky doesnt want to be in a situation watching them train as he intimidates her. This is the same Wednesday night. She basically wants the time with them back. Which it currently isn't as he is always there. Thursday night and alternative Friday's. She wants time with them. He doesn't help with clothing, homework etc but wants 50% of the time with them which is always pretty much leisure time. Holidays need sorting too which is always a problem. He never agrees to anything until last minute which causes unnecessary conflict and upset

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Sorry - I meant nights - those are the nights that she has them?
Is what she is asking for that he doesn't attend football training so that she can do so?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

He won't budge on the football, can't make him as it's a public place. Yes they are the nights

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
What time is training?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

630-730 so add half hour each side pick up drop off. As much as it seems petty. She cannot stand any time with ex partner at all. She is scared of him

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Could the tuesday be swapped with the wednesday?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Afraid not. As Nicky works Tue night then Wednesday morning. She feels punished for working yet he won't accommodate any of this even though he doesn't work

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Could someone attend training with her?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I have volunteered but not always possible as I usually work. It's a nightmare to be honest as all he strives to do is make things difficult

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Ok
What is the problem with the holidays - and what does he usually message her about?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

We have told him only message about boys but then he twists things and tries to lay a guilt trip. Usually ends up upsetting her by being vile and abusive. Thing is she usually responds which she knows she must try not to. As regards ***** ***** feel they should be split as evenly as possible but we really want to go on a big family holiday to Canada for three weeks in the summer but are worried he will make things awkward and difficult

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
So a 50/50 split.
What doe she actually message her about generally?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

We think this is fair yes. Anything really but twists things round to put blame on her. What they should and shouldn't be eating. Derogatory things about her, about me, about her family.

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Ok switch it round - is there actually any need at all for him to message her usually?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

No not at all

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Last question
Can your partner get sufficient time off to cover half of the school holidays?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Yes holidays are ok. Her boss is extremely understanding

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
The situation is complicated by the fact that your partner's work limits the options available to her.
Her request regarding holidays is very reasonable.
The usual pattern of contact should be put on hold and the holidays divided 50/50 between them so that they each have a lengthy period of time with the children.
If need be she could apply to the court for an order dealing with this point
With regard to the messages your partner must stop replying to them.
She needs to have a sim card which is for his calls only - and only turn it on when necessary - or let you have it and monitor the texts - only responding to those that are actually necessary.
The football training is a problem however.
It is in a public space - and I suspect that if asked the children would say that they enjoyed him being there and on that basis it is unlikely that a Court will order him not to attend if the matter goes to court
HOWEVER he can be prevented from approaching her whilst at training and speaking to her at all.
This could in fact be dealt with by the Police if he harasses her whilst she is at training
I appreciate that this is not the advice that you hoped for - but sadly there is no easy way of helping your partner feel strong enough to deal with her ex.
However doing the Freedom programme may help her
http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php
Please ask if you need further details
Clare
Clare, Family Solicitor
Category: Family Law
Satisfied Customers: 33507
Experience: I have been a solicitor in High Street Practise since 1985 and have specialised in Family Law for the last 10 years
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