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Clare
Clare, Family Solicitor
Category: Family Law
Satisfied Customers: 34106
Experience:  I have been a solicitor in High Street Practise since 1985 and have specialised in Family Law for the last 10 years
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Dealing with ex being hostile.

Resolved Question:

Hello, I've have just been through a simple court process in order to get a court order so I can see my daughter. This weekend I was supposed to see my daughter but she is unwell. I telephoned my ex-partner to see how my daughter was and discuss with her that while our daughter is ill if this scenario was to arise in the future and our daughter simply has a cold then it would make make no difference and I could still look after her if something not too bad, agreed this weekend she was too poorly. I've been through so much recently and trying to reason with my ex-partner has proved futile. There was a period when I would see my daughter at a contact centre, this was my arrangement after contact with my daughter stopped. I mentioned to my ex that the person in charge there said you do get times when the father isn't allowed to see their child simply because they have a cold...but if both parents can look after the child then the father shouldn't be stopped seeing their child. I was explaining this just in case this scenario happened in the future and it would be better to be clear and talk now, and this is the opinion of someone independent (trying to reason with my ex giving an opinion of someone independent!). My ex then referenced a time when our daughter was too poorly to attend the contact centre and it was cancelled. I was then accused of this being "just like me", being convoluted and criticising, she then hung up. Although my ex has done some terrible things I've never voiced my opinion of her to her, and never will, I want to get on with my life and our daughter is the only thing that matters. My question is can I do anything to stop my ex voicing her negative opinion directivity to me, surely her negative opinion is her opinion, keep it to yourself? I know this may seem like something trivial but I've had enough of her previous negative accusations, and believed they would now stop having started to see my daughter properly.

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Family Law
Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Thank you for your question.
My name is Clare
I will do my best to help you but I need some further information first.
How old is your daughter?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi

My daughter is only 18 months old.

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Have you used Family Mediation in the past?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hello again, I applied for mediation prior going to court (as you know this is what you must do before taking things to court), my ex refused to go to mediation. Ironically while at court we talked to the same mediator about our wishes, before the judge made the order with our agreement. My ex didn't want us to talk to the mediator at the same time, so there was a ridiculous scenario of me waiting directly outside this glass partitioned area hearing some of what was going on, then swapping places. Dealing with my ex has been unbelievably hard and she has been very vindictive, there has been no common sense or talking to each other, although at first this is what I tried for some time. I know there is something called a separated parents information programme which helps with conflict and highlights the damaging effect this can have on the child. If I was to suggest this or similar I know my ex would say no. Her disagreements with me and the simplest things she has dealt with by letters from her solicitor, and I can not see this ever changing now. Her issue is with me, I will mention something next time I see her, surely she does not have the right to still criticise me, and anything I talk to her about concerns our daughter and is in no way is about her, because I do not care about her. I just wondered if there was something legally I could do to stop her talking to me this way, it is abusive and not pleasant.

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
HI
It would be most unwise to mention anything at all to her when you next meet since it is clearly still too early for this person to realise that you have a lifetime of being civil ahead of you.
There is no action you can take to make her be pleasant when you speak - so unless you wish to use a communication book I am afraid that the only option is to limit the discussions that you have to the basics of necessary information - as in times of collection and whether or not you have fed her etc
Do not try and engage your ex in any detailed discussions. It was reasonable to establish how ill the child was - but once you agreed that she was too ill for contact then the conversation should end there
IF the matter goes back to court in the future you can ask about a APIP then - but they do not represent a magic wand I am afraid.
The only small hope I can offer you is that over time (by which I mean years) this may change.
However so long as you remain civil then you have nothing to reproach yourself with and will be setting a good example for your child.
Please ask if you need further details
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi

Thanks for your reply, I did read it yesterday morning before work but didn't have time to reply and was out all day.

I will take your advice and try and keep things to a minimum between us. I guess I wanted to cover a scenario where my ex could decide I don't see my daughter...and make it clear this shouldn't happen. Although my ex's outburst was short it did bring back feelings how it had been trying to reason with her, and I wouldn't want to feel like that again!

One last question what is a APIP? (Tried a search online and found housing subject.)

Thanks for your help, next reply will be a rating.

Richard

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
My apologies - bad typing - it is a SPIP - the programme you were referring to.
I do understand your concerns, but you have your Order which IS enforceable - so whilst she will undoubtedly cause problems form time to time your underlying contact should be safe
Clare
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