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Ask Clare Your Own Question

Clare
Clare, Family Solicitor
Category: Family Law
Satisfied Customers: 33283
Experience:  I have been a solicitor in High Street Practise since 1985 and have specialised in Family Law for the last 10 years
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My mother wants to put my father in a home, the family oppose

Customer Question

My mother wants to put my father in a home, the family oppose it and do not believe he is anyway near needing that sort of thing. When in company with others, he is alert and converses well and laughs, cracks jokes etc. He is 87, she is 86. When he is with her, she claims - and I stress, claims as it has not been witnessed - that he is verbally aggressive, makes no effort etc etc. He does have short term memory issues. He has passed all dementia tests she has arranged. When they are together he is 90% switched off, does not comply with her demands, makes no effort to talk. The issue is therefore one between them, not his mental state. It is a personality issue. She is going to their accountant on monday to find out how much money they have so she can sort out a home. Speaking for myself and not for my siblings as cannot speak for them, I 100% oppose this. He does not need it, he is mentally alert. It was be seriously damaging to him and she would find herself isolated from her family by doing this. What are the family rights in opposing her?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Family Law
Expert:  Clare replied 1 year ago.
Hi
Thank you for your question.
My name is Clare
I will do my best to help you but I need some further information first.
Are there any family members willing to take on his daily care?
Clare
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hello Clare, I did actually send another message to you after the first one to say that the family have all come together to tackle this and sort and the situation has calmed down but is very very fluid. My sister and I are doing a rota of evening care and there is an emergency NHS carer for the next 6 weeks first thing in the morning. My mother has now been given details of private carers to cover evenings but there is a shortage of carers so my sister and I will continue for now, but my mother is refusing to have a night carer which is the biggest issue, in her house. She is adamant and that is where the confrontations are. Dad needs a night time carer. As I've said before, there is very much an issue between dad making an effort with others but not with mum which makes are - understandably- angry with him although i think this too is changing rapidly as he is now very confused.

Please can I put this on hold - as per my email to you 5.6.15? I would prefer it if we can put pressure on mum to accept help in the house rather than dumping dad, and there is a tiny bit of progress on this.

Do i need to pay you for this so far, let me know please? Thank you again, it is good to know there is advice out there for the family, as it is extremely stressful and very very sad.

Expert:  Clare replied 1 year ago.
Hi
I am glad that you have come to realise that your father's behaviour when he is alone with your mother may well be different to his behaviour when others are there - this is not unusual
I know that this is not an easy time - and you should consider seeking advise and support from
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200343
From personal experience I can say do not necessarily rule out a suitable care home - the best ones can actually delay deterioration
Clare

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