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Cher
Cher, Teacher
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 20973
Experience:  Masters Level Educator,Tutor 35+ yrs.; Author, Senior Internet Researcher, Trivia Master
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HiI have been seeing a guy for five and a half years. He

Customer Question

Hi
I have been seeing a guy for five and a half years. He lies sometimes, well quite often and has a sex addiction (I think). he is also married. But I do love him and would do anything for him. I saw him last week and planned to finish, but he said he didnt want to let me go, that we should enjoy the week (he lives in London, me in Manchester and I was down for the week). We had a fantastic week, he said that he felt amazingly relaxed, that I understood him and that we had a psychological and sexual connection, that, he missed me when I wasnt there but on the Friday he seemed very remote and left me waiting whilst he spoke to his wife for 25 minutes on the phone. I felt very sad and he asked me what was wrong. Without thinking, I said that I needed someone who could say they loved me or what was the point and what separated me from the hookers he has been seeing. He said he would phone the next day, but I havent heard since and that was two weeks ago. I feel this is my fault for mentioning the love word and I just want to know if I ever meant anything to him. Should I contact him and ask to speak to him, just so that we can end with care and respect or play it cool? Rationally I despise myself for still loving him, I am a sensible woman with a PhD in psychology and I would never want to hurt anyone. but emotionally I care and I need to think that he cared for me once.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: General
Expert:  Cher replied 3 years ago.

Hello, Elaine and welcome to Just Answer.

My name is XXXXX XXXXX it will be my pleasure to help you in this difficult situation.

My apologies you did not receive an earlier answer. Different experts are online at various times and I recently logged in and read your question.

I know that deep down, you realize you shouldn't have been seeing him due to his circumstances (being married), but who are we to dictate who we fall in love with and who we want to be with? You knew he couldn't give you anything more, like marriage, being already 'taken', but you enjoyed being with him despite his faults, which you explained.

I think what you said was not without reason; you felt it, you meant it, you said it. Don't beat yourself up about that. You told the truth. You knew any forthcoming answers on his part couldn't be positive, because he can't be with you in the way you want, since he's already married.

I also think what you said took him totally by surprise and this may be why he hasn't responded. He is torn. He does have strong feelings for you, he wants to be with you more often, but his circumstances do not permit him to do this. He is hurting as you are hurting, but there is no logical answer to this dilemma, than for you to finish the relationship, as you originally wanted.

I think he will reply when he's ready and what you said in your email was honest, heartfelt and the only thing you could say, under the circumstances. The long phone call he had with his wife on that Friday and/or something she said to him earlier that day, seems to have interfered in some way, with your relationship. She might have given him an ultimatum or threatened him in some way, knowing that he was seeing you and/or going to hookers, as you mentioned. You said his demeanor changed on Friday and I think it's related to that. It's nothing you did.

The best thing for you to do at this time is to consider the relationship finished, take some time to 're-group' and then move on with your life. Start dating men who are available, emotionally and physically. No more married men and no more men with sex addictions or those who cannot be honest with you. Good communication and honesty are keys to successful relationships.

You are a very wise, highly educated, loving woman who deserves to find happiness with a man who is worthy of you. It's not selfish to put your own happiness above everything else right now, especially due to what you just went through with this man.

It won't be easy; it will be difficult to stop thinking about him and what you had with him, but convince yourself he was unavailable and you need to find a man who can give you all of himself, all of the time, not just in parts, part of the time. This will help you in grieving the end of this relationship, which, according to all indications, was meant to be. You said you wanted to end it and he convinced you otherwise. Listen to your own instincts; they are always right.

I wish you only love and happiness in the future!

If you need any additional information or clarification, simply 'Reply' back before rating and I will be happy to help with any follow up questions.

If you are satisfied with my answer, a Positive rating and Positive feedback on the survey, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! Laughing

If you would like to request me to answer any new, future questions, please begin your post with "For Cher Only" and I will respond as soon as possible.

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Relationship query response!

 

Thank you Cher Smile. Would you advise against asking to speak with him then?

I really dont want to make his life his any worse, but I just would like him to know that I care, will always care and that I am sad, but am sure this is for the best and i would like to hear from him to know how he is and what stopped him from calling.Cry

I would be glad of your advice.

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