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danj66
danj66, Internet Researcher
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 9
Experience:  I use research often in my job as a therapist. I also used it very often while at university.
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I had an affair for 3 months whilst separated from my wife.

Resolved Question:

Hi, I had an affair for 3 months whilst separated from my wife. I eventually told my wife and she said we were finished for good. I had a huge outpouring of grief and I begged her with all my heart to give me another chance but with little response. Then surprisingly after a week she said yes, saying I had shown real remorse and accepting we had been separated at the time. I have been back home a week and it hasn't gone well. Surprisingly, not because she keeps referring to the affair and giving me hard time but because I can't feel the love I thought I would. It seemed my world had ended when she said we were finished for good (even though separated, I thought we would always get back together) but now I can't feel the love I felt when I begged for another chance. She is picking up on this and saying that my remorse was purely grief and not driven by love. I am inclined to think this is true and actually the fundamentals of our marriage are not there, as they hadn't been for some time, which is why we separated. Can you please help !

Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: General
Expert:  danj66 replied 3 years ago.

danj66 :

Hi there. No one knows your marriage situation better than you and your wife. So if you have both come to the same conclusion, that your remorse was purely grief not love, then that may be correct. However, it is also possible that your wife suggested this to you, and you took on the suggestion in an attempt to explain a situation that confused you. Therefore I will offer you some alternate suggestions, hopefully either one of them will ring true, or they will make you see more and more that you and your wife were both right in the first place.

danj66 :

So, one possibility is that you felt guilt for cheating, and didn't want the guilt of it being "your fault" that you both split up. The thought of it being your fault could have caused you more guilt than the fact that you would be splitting up, this could have made you desperate to get another chance. Now that you're back together, if you split up, it will be because you've fallen out of Love, not because you had an affair, does that make sense.

danj66 :

Another possibility could be that it is "change" that you fear. As you said before, there was always this thought that you would get back together, maybe the realisation that you may be out on your own sent you into a desperate attempt to claw back your relationship. Now that you have done that, you've quickly fallen back into old ways, because change is no longer a threat.

Customer: Thank you for your reply.
danj66 :

Another possibility is that you never expected her to say Yes! You said yourself "surprisingly after a week she said yes". Maybe this outpour of grief was your way of dealing with the situation you had caused, but deep down you never wanted the relationship to get back on track.

Customer: I am just perplexed by how much remorse and contrition
danj66 :

sorry, I will let you respond :)

Customer: Sorry ,keep pressing return in error. I think your last point is a good one. My wife always had trust issues (many unfounded) and I was amazed when she eventually agreed. After so much pleading (which came from somewhere) I felt obliged to move straight back. She has been an angel since under the circumstances but I just have not been able to respond as I would have expected. I am now frightened of hurting her again but perhaps even more afraid of staying.
danj66 :

Maybe the relationship has been tarnished (by the affair and your wife's trust issues) to the point where you don't feel you can or want to make it work anymore. From your speech, it definitely sounds like you didn't want to move back in. I can tell you still love her because you're considerate of her feelings. Maybe you see her as more of a friend than a wife now, it is perfectly possible to love someone, but not be IN love with them. This could explain why you felt such remorse, for hurting someone who you care about, but the fact that you felt remorse for hurting her doesn't mean that you felt remorse that the relationship was over.

Customer: I suspect that is close the truth. Our marriage has been volatile but I always thought I could make it better and put things right. Moving back has made me realise that perhaps there is too much water under the bridge and the will and motivation which was once there has gone. Thank you for your help
danj66 :

No problem, I would recommend take a few days to really have a deep think about what you want. If you want to try to make it work, possibly sit down with your wife and explain your issues to her, or consider relationship counselling. If you decide you would rather let it be, then you owe it to her to set her straight once and for all. Are there any other questions you would like to ask?

Customer: No you have been very helpful y
Customer: to a difficult situation. Thanks
danj66 :

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX best and good luck with your issue.

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