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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 3617
Experience:  Entrepreneur, Life Coach and Social Worker
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I am looking for professional support from counselors trained to deal with relationships and intimacy issues. My boyfriend of 18 months, who I feel a close bond with and deep affinity, has stopped having sex with me 6 months ago. We had plenty of sex for the first year and a lot of loving touch and when he moved in it stopped stone cold. He has not touched me for 6 months in any way without my asking and when he does he says it makes him feel sad. I have to step around him in the kitchen and make sure I don't brush him accidentally or he will get upset/confused! offered to end the relationship due to this elephant in the room, and suggested he just does not feel attracted to me anymore (I am a 34 year old attractive, sensual woman) - but he has refused to leave of his own accord, saying he wants to work through this with me as he has never been secure enough in a relationship to work through this (it has come up in various forms in previous, shorter relationships). The problem is, he keeps saying sex is just not THAT great for him, not THAT big a deal and he can live fine without it. He says he has always found it a pretty empty act and does not read any meaning into it, as I do. He says he wishes I could just accept that about him, that he is just not wired that way. He says he finds surrender and thrill in music and not in sex, so that is where he focuses his energy. But to the extent where he will not even touch voluntarily? And he says his feelings for me have not changed all this time! He knows this is endangering the relationship we worked so hard to build, and wants to work it out, but HOW CAN I KNOW IF THIS IS JUST HIS PERSONAL PREFERENCE ASSERTING ITSELF, OR WHETHER THIS IS INDICATIVE OF SEXUAL TRAUMA IN THE PAST? What clues could reveal which it is? He himself does not know, so is not motivated to seek a solution. Months are going by without any physical closeness...Many thanks for your insight.

Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: General
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 years ago.
It would be hard to say what the issue for him is around this, but I can see how it has been a source of strain for both of you.
Relationships need intimacy and if you are not able to brush up agains him or have any type of physical contact that can get very difficult.
Am I suggesting you leave the relationship? No, not at this point, but I would suggest that couples counseling needs to happen as well as possible individual counseling for him so that he can look at what may be casuing this discomfort in him. I do like to hear how willing he is to ask you to stick with him as he tries to work through it, but I do think some outside help would be more beneficial to help him express his feelings.
You sound loving and willing as well so do what you need to do to get him the support he needs.
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