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Stuart J
Stuart J, Solicitor
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 22400
Experience:  PGD Law. 20 years legal profession, 6 as partner in High Street Practice
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My childs fathers name is XXXXX XXXXX the birth certificate. He

Customer Question

My child's father's name is XXXXX XXXXX the birth certificate. He was not there when she was born and failed to tell his immediate family or his girlfriend (whom i knew nothing about) or ex (who he has a son with) until she was nearly a year old. He said he wanted to be involved so I let him come and visit pretty much whenever he wanted....I also took videos and photos to make him feel involved and to show her at a later date. He lives 20 mins away in a building which is offices, studios and flats all combined where he has had her before.. It was often for a few hours on a Sat or Sun when he came (every other weekend). Times/days would constantly change sometimes last minute or he was late arriving or return her suprisingly early...often accessing the building and hoverin g outside my flat door before knocking rather than ringing the buzzer from downstairs. He would never come and take her out in the morning. I would also have to drive her to him which is why I am contacting you now. He has told me he would be there and has not on several occasions. This has upset her as she knows the route and was expecting to see him. I don't want it happening any more. He is a compulsive liar and i am concerned it is seriously going to affect her when she's older. Either telling her she is getting things wrong or blaming it on me. Initially he would give me £50 a week but it became very difficult asking him for this and he would get nasty. i ended up going to the csa...it took nearly a year for him to respond with his 'accounts' as he is self employed in media/film he has a company and property. I live in my own flat and used to rent a room but obviously could not once she came along,as I have no family or male counterpart now to help with anything...physically or financially..I also couldn't work much. I have been forced to go on income support and still struggle with interest repayment and service charges along with all the other bills. This is the last resort. I really wanted to make it work for her and for him ...and actually it would make my life easier if I knew I was going to have a break (an evening/morning off ) . I have asked him to provide a bed for her (as despite living in a big property he still has no room for her..or bed. He was making her fall asleep on a sofa or cushions on the floor in an office used by different people. He says he has a bed now but she wont sleep in it (she has just turned 3 I explained it may be a battle initially but it was important. He said he would not discipline her /let her cry as he only saw her once a week or less) This obviously made things more difficult for me when she returned. DShe was also often sick (throwing up/diaorreah/nappy rash and even got a serious infection in her vagina when he had her one weekend. I provided him with a travel cot (which he wouldnt bother putting up and usually left it in my garage rather than take it and a spare buggy and used to prepare appropriate meals(pizza/hoola hoops/ice cream/wraps for a baby/toddler I felt not suitable which is what I would usually find in her coat pocket or the bottom of the buggy). Can you please tell me what rights he has for visiting...and what happens if he fails to stick to times. If it goes to court will he be allowed to take her at xmas /easter. He has another son with an ex who he sees nearly every day and spends the holidays with. She however will not see me or even talk to me despite me trying to communicate. I tried as I found out she was spending time with my daughter alone when he would be doing other things. I really don't know what to do. I have tried my best but the last resort was him employing a 'nanny' for the one day he was having her...so another woman whom he actually met on a video shoot (told me she was from an agency) now also spending time with my daughter. It also made my parents question how he could afford to give her money when he was still only giving me £50 pw and expecting to turn up and see her whenever he wanted at short notice and usually after cancelling a previous time. Please let me know what actions he will take and be entitled to do and how I should respond legally. I want it done properly as surely once it is his lies will not be able to be used as an excuse for not coming/being there or cancelling. If he turns up at my flat who do i call? as I said I am alone with her and don't want any conflict in front of her. Thank you Anna
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Law
Expert:  Stuart J replied 3 years ago.
Please clarify if there is a contact in place?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.


No legal contract is in place. We tried to agree times on a regular basis but he kept cancelling/changing. I took her to him on her birthday (3/3 this year) as he would not come and collect her in the morning and bring her back in the afternoon so I could have time with her. I had to drive to his and wait. He has seen her around 3 times this year because as I said he failed to be at his property when he said he would and she got upset on several occasions. He has not seen her or spoken since the 3rd march, I used to call so he could talk to her but he would ask me many personal questions...cause an argument and then suggest I was calling to spy on him. So my efforts to retain a good relationship have been futile. He is angry with me for not continuing to engage in a sexual relationship with him once I found out he lied about a number of things ..too many to list here (but age and status of relationship with woman he was living with were obviously big factors along with appearing on a dating website twice when I was pregnant.)Therefore he seems wants to make life difficult for me...actually said in a text. Which i think is silly because it will inevitably affect her.The constant mental torment and being messed around affecting my work and any possible attempt of a social life, upsetting my daughter aswell seems not to be worthwhile him visiting/me taking her to him.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.


There is no legal contract in place for contact. Just me agreeing to is irregular requests.

Expert:  Stuart J replied 3 years ago.


You will not be able to avoid him seeing the child
and if you refuse point-blank, you will end up in court. You would always be
better offering some contact. You should try to resolve using family medaition.

http://www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Although
it is quicker and less confrontational than court it isnt necessarily cheaper





If this fails then you can apply to the court for a
defined contact order which will formalise arrangements.

The necessary forms are available on the here

http://www.thecustodyminefield.com/ .



Many mothers do simply withdraw contact (not recommended by me) in order to
force the father into action. If you do that, he is then faced with spending
money on solicitors and court as he will not get legal aid.



I also cannot advise you to threaten that although, many mothers do just
that.



What you can do is tell him that unless he toes the line and becomes more
reliable, you will make an application to court to reduce contact to the
minimum that the court thinks acceptable. What you can also do is tell him that
if he turns up to collect the child and he is late, you will not be in.
Eventually, he will get the message.



That way, you are not withholding contact you are simply getting on with
things.



With regard to holidays, Christmas, et cetera the court is likely to award
every other Christmas and every other holiday or suchlike.



Can I help further with regard to the above, because obviously, as you
appreciate, there is no magic solution.



The effect of its unreliability on your daughter would have to have to be
clear-cut and you would need evidence in that respect before a court would even
consider withdrawing contact. It is most unlikely that would happen.



With regard to CSA: if his lifestyle is not consistent with his alleged
income, they are able to investigate it in depth, but I would not hold my
breath because they do tend to run after targets which don't move very quickly
and those which are easier to extract money from.



A friend of mine has children and their father has never paid a bean to the
mother in respect of their welfare or upkeep. His father died recently and left
him substantial assets, but because he has no "income" and all his inherited
wealth is offshore they have done very little. He is a member of the most
expensive golf club in the area, he is in a flying club and owns an aeroplane. She
has provided all those details and photographs and a list of his various
memberships, and still she has no money from him. I mention that merely to
illustrate that although the CSA can investigate such matters, you would grow
old waiting.







Can I help further?



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Customer: replied 3 years ago.


Thank you law. unfortunately he is definitely a compulsive liar (I have witnesses as to what he has said and actually done) and therefore mediation is pointless as he just will agree to something and not stick to it. It is all very well saying 'if you're late I wont be in' I have tried that. It has been a constant battle and he has let me down when i have arranged to work. I did not want this to happen but he clearly does not care about the child ...it is reflected in all of his actions.I can not and do not want him ontrolling my life o her upseting her. i imagine court will be the final straw. I contacted the CSA to request no payment. It is not about the money it is about his constant lies and controlling behaviour. He is not prepared to take responsibilty in any way so why should such a person be allowed to be involved? he has had 4 years ,has given out of date milk, urinated in to a nappy to pretend he changed her will wake her up immediately if she s just fallen asleep and he is dropping her back (whereas I have sat in the car and waited beforeltomake sure she had her sleep... he uses her as plaything...and is totally irresponsible. I have had enough of him upsetting both of us. A court order will at least mean he takes it more seriously. If it means him spending money...at least it will prove he is bothered. As it stands he has exactly what he wants....nothing in his life has changed and everything in my life has. ..surely if he wants to be involved he should show some dedication. You have not mentioned the paternity test usually required for a court order? Particularly if I say I want no maintenance. The whole set up with his exes is ridiculous. He is lying to them and me and no doubt will lie to his daughter. He lies to everyone. I dont think she should be exposed to suchh a person. Obviously I did not know the extent of his problem only time has demonstrated. If he was diagnosed with an addiction of any other sort I am pretty sure access would be limited. You have said he can get access to see her but I have been told previously he can't as he is not named.on certificate. If it is to do with the money and if he is contributing then I just dont want it. I am a reasonable open minded understanding woman but he has just upset both of us too much. My friends and family think I have done far too much for him and he is ruining our lives. I wanted her to know and enjoy a healthy relationship with him....but he is incapable of being honest.

Expert:  Stuart J replied 3 years ago.

Unless paternity is an issue which it doesnt appear to be, then it isnt worth going there.

If he refuses, fatherhood is presumed.

He doesnt need to be on BC to get contact.

Stuart J, Solicitor
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 22400
Experience: PGD Law. 20 years legal profession, 6 as partner in High Street Practice
Stuart J and other Law Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Clare replied 3 years ago.
Hi
The simple fact is that you cannot force the father to have contact with your child - but you can say that any contact should be subject to a regular and reliable pattern and make it clear that if he wishes to have contact then he needs to collect the child from your home and ensure that he has proper equipment for the child - and that above all else he is there.
You can try discussing matters with your ex using Family mediation - if that fails you need to nothing further at all - simply tell him what your proposals are and leave it at that.
If he turns up at your property call the police and ask them to get himn to leave
Claire
Expert:  Shantal-Mod replied 3 years ago.

Hello,

 

There is an answer waiting for you from a Professional.

 

Thank you,

Shantal

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