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Ask Clare Your Own Question
Clare
Clare, Solicitor
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 34105
Experience:  I have been a solicitor in High Street Practice since 1985 with a wide general experience.
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Hi, I have been married since 2005; we have two children, 6

Resolved Question:

Hi, I have been married since 2005; we have two children, 6 and 3; for the last 4 years my husband and I have had no intimacy, closeness or amicable relations; he keeps promising to work on it but buries his head in the computer and new projects of his....i finally asked for seperate rooms and he is throwing a lot of abuse my way saying i am ruining our marriage; if he persists in abusing me like this i will like to seperate legally or even divorce. the only reason i still wish to be in the same house is because the children and small and my husband is a loving father to his kids.

Can you advice which way forward is best as i can't carry on sleeping on the same bed when there has been nothing between us since birth of my son...

Regards ***** ***** in advance
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Law
Expert:  Clare replied 3 years ago.
Hi
Thank you for your question.
My name is Clare
I will do my best to help you but I need some further information first.
Have you been to marriage counselling together at all?
Clare
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

no, i suggested in the beginning and he declined; then when he realised i was serious he said he'd go for counselling; as am a counsellor myself,


 


and i do a lot of marriage counselling...i suggested to my husband (who has belittled my profession on numerous ocasions!)..that he finds a counsellor that he is comfortable with and he feels in control with, and i shall happily go with him; since then (over a year now) he keeps metioning it everytime i set a boundary or remind him of our relationship issue, but does not really do anything about it and i do not push it because i want him to feel he needs it and can use it to help himself and our relationship. as for me, i have had 30 hours counselling over two years ago, am in supervision every month and has been discussing as well as trying to understand how to handle my marriage civilly and healthily with proper boundaries with my supervisor's and my own knowledge's background...I have left him free to make his decisions but he has just lapsed into avoidance and dissociates from any problem after the initial hope and promise that "we can work on this!" ...i just wait and wait whereas in the beginning of the relationship i used to push, argue, rage and critisize; as i became aware of the abuse cycle he is pulling me in to , i stopped and learnt to express myself and leave him to take his own decisions; but he seems to float and hope it will go away; even today he does not udnerstand why i am asking for a seperate bedroom; he says "why are you doing this to me; why are you breaking my world!"...he seems to think it is okay to be lying together on the same bed for four years with mo closeness and communication...i have had enough and wish for some space as i only feel he is like a friend and nothing else...

Expert:  Clare replied 3 years ago.
Hi
What would YOU like to happen next - bearing in mind that he is unlikely to change?
Clare
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi,


 


I need to know my legal rights in this country before I decide.I came from Mauritius 11yrs ago and am not well versed in English law.my husband says I have no grounds for divorce.is that true? Secondly I wish for smooth divorce in 3_4 yes which is why I want separate rooms.... The kids would be older and understand better. Do you think I am doing the right thing by staying with him a few more years in separate bedrooms and would that facilitate easy divorce, without legal fights?


 

Expert:  Clare replied 3 years ago.
Hi
Would you prefer to fully separate now if that were possible?
Clare
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi


No because I don't have finances to look after two kids and own my house mortgage.am looking for amicable divorce in four_five years.I would have definitely left him if he was not a very good father...as a counsellor I know he is very good with kids because they don't engage him into conflicts and he responds very responsibly ro his children needs.I have set good financial boundaries of hoe he will meet his financial responsibility to his kids and he has responded well...he is committed to his kids but not interested in couple or adult relationship... Ijust want some legal advice about my rights of I divorce today or in few years time, what would be the consequences?

Expert:  Clare replied 3 years ago.
Hi
That is fine.
How much is the house worth and how much is outstanding on the mortgage?
What other assets and debts are there and what income do you each have?
Clare
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi,


 


We bought a two bedroom flat in 2006, worth 160,000pnds. But is in his name as I did not have British citizen at that time. It has been rented since 2010. We bought our three bedroom house worth 198,000pnds in 2010. It is interest only payment. The two houses are app 30,000 more in terms of current market house value.


He is a support worker, earning app 14,000 and I am self employed, net profit 18,000(gross earning 25,000) per year.


That is all we have between us apart from inheritance on both sides further in future...

Expert:  Clare replied 3 years ago.
Hi
How much is outstanding on the two mortgages?
Clare
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Around 90,000 on flat and whole capital on house which is 140,000 plus interest...of which we have paid only 4yrs at 680pnds per month.

Expert:  Clare replied 3 years ago.
Hi
Sorry could you just confirm the CURRENT value of both properties?
Clare
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Current value of flat is 180,000 and house is 260,000 app...

Expert:  Clare replied 3 years ago.
Hi
You have sufficient grounds to issues a divorce proceedings based on his Unreasonable Behaviour - you can read more here
https://www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce
The priority for the court is the safe and secure housing of the children until they are 18 so you would remain in the current home
Given that there are two properties the most likely option would be that you keep the house and he keeps the flat
This will be much the same if you wait and divorce in a few years time
I hope that this is of assistance - please ask if you need further details
Clare
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