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Clare
Clare, Solicitor
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 34105
Experience:  I have been a solicitor in High Street Practice since 1985 with a wide general experience.
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Child access issue

Resolved Question:

I have what I perceive to be a complex access issue regarding my Daughter with strong threats of serious allegations (which are false) from my ex-partner, if I take the matter to a solicitor. I have a four-and-a-quarter page, 12 point, Times New Roman, A4 written document which sets out the situation in a first draft raw form. Can I send this to you so you may assess what my position is and how I can best proceed in my Daughter's best interests and protecting myself from the potentially destructive threats. My Daughter will be two years old on the 30th of this month. My relationship with my daughter is well rounded and we are very attached to one another. My financial situation is currently limited as I have been off work with injuries from a car accident but this will result in compensation which is likely to pay out any time now. I can cover costs of advice currently but it remains for me to put rebuilding plans into effect before I can afford a full court process. I would need to know my best course of action and the likely projected costs as far as can be estimated. Also I would like advice on whether my mind to request forensic psychological assessments for both my ex-partner and, for the sake of fairness, myself also, is sensible or prudent in the circumstances. The costs for the forensic psychological assessments are also an important factor?

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Law
Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Thank you for your question.
My name is ***** *****
I will do my best to help you but I need some further information first.
Can you sim up the issues you are concerned about?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hello, Clare. Yes. My ex-partner is using access (granting and denial thereof) as a mechanism for revenge, punishment and as a means to ensure I accept any time or condition to have my daughter when it suits my ex. I always have my daughter any chance I get but I can have no say in how long for and not over nights. I cannot make plans for my daughter and I and when I do, often family coming to visit her and food and other things paid and arranged are lost because the mother pulls the plug according to whim. There has been a lot of acrimony on both sides, mine when I become frustrated at having mine and my daughter's rights denied by my ex and when my ex is exceptionally rude to me. Hers I presume because she has taken the stance that this is an issue to be 'Won' where I will be the loser. I do not see it that way at all. I just want to ensure I am in my daughter's life because we are very close and it is also a rightful responsibility. Each time I ask to have my daughter over nights, my ex refuses with a catalogue of unfair and unfounded reasons and then if I say the only course left is via the legal route unless we can obtain some fairness between us, she threatens that she will accuse me of rape and domestic violence. Both things are abhorrent to my feelings. I did not and would not do such things, she knows it, and how hurtful the suggestions would be to me morally as well as legally speaking. I cannot abandon my daughter and leave her fatherless, therefore I need to know how to arrive at the proper fair solution. She called the police this Friday who attended my house because we had an argument via texts! (I made no threats) —she also phoned me to then take the completely different stance from how she appeared on texts, essentially making me appear unreasonable on the text conversation she showed the police (of all things police could be doing!). I complained to the police station that the officer claimed I was going to go in the morning and collect Miley, purely because I had asked the question repeatedly in the hopes of an answer. I was upheld by the Sgt dealing with my complaint and that I had done nothing wrong. She has contrived for some time now to construct evidence for the allegations she threatens to make but so far seems to have done so purely for a conglomerate of reasons comprising revenge, punishment and being the one who is 'in control' or the "one who will win" (language she has used, completely inappropriately to what I have been trying to do). I don't want my daughter to lose either of us or to have her mother or myself stressed half to death, so that I can be in her life. But I must be in her life.

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
At this stage you need to take a step back from constant texts and emails that she can manipulate.
is there actually a set pattern of contact that is meant to happen?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Yes, agreed. And yes, generally at least one day per weekend and, while I have been signed off work through injuries, I have been having her various week days. I have been asking for over night stays since we split up which is over a year. It will take me a little while to rebuild my life since the divorce from my wife about three or four years ago, losing my house and former career. I then started a relationship with Kerrie, my Daughter's mother which became acrimonious. I am in the position now where I am awaiting a significant sum of general and special damages from a road traffic accident. Upon receipt I will be using the funds to train for a career as delivery and charter yacht skipper/captain. I will be based in Malta and plan to develop access arrangements once I have a demonstrable home base and the funds to support travel and stays for my Daughter with me. This will take time and I do not want my ex-partner to argue I have abandoned my child (I cannot see her until I work out the access issues Kerrie has generated). Can I also state that the accusations of violence Kerrie cites are based on incidents that happened but where it was her attacking me and me defending myself (open handedly pushing away and as cautiously as possible in the circumstances). The rape allegation threat came about I think it was over a year ago when we had argued all day and I then explained I felt that I was falling out of love with her due to the constant arguing and bitterness. She later changed the threat from me doing it in my sleep to me bursting in the room fully waken, raping her, then going to sleep! She has since apologised for it all but then seems to bring up all but the rape threat any time I mention I would like to increase access and if I have to mention the legal route. What do I do if the police should turn up on my door with regard to those allegations?

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
How long to you have her at a time?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I have her day times between 09.00 or 10.00 until 17.30 or 18.30, between one and three times per week.

Merlyn

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
What is your ex's specific objection to overnight contact?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

All she will say is that Miley (Daughter) is not ready yet. Kerrie (ex) and I have previously discussed that it is more that Kerrie is not ready yet. When she agreed with that I said to leave it a couple of months as it is and then she get used to the idea. When Miley was born she spent her very first night and some subsequent nights with me because Kerrie was in hospital. I dealt with Miley's care and supporting and visiting Kerrie. I have three other children, two boys and a girl, 21, 18 and 15 respectively. I have brought all of these children up with my ex wife including looking after all of them night and day. I fear Kerrie's real objection may be based on more sinister motives to do with power plays and keeping a tight grip of her control of the situation for her own purposes, and this is what concerns me.

Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
I am sure you are right - but the motives are better describes as averagely normal rather than sinister and that is how you should treat it
The starting point is to try and discuss matters with her using FamilY Mediation (www.familymediationhelpline.co.UK)
If that fails then you can apply to the court for a Child Arrangement Order setting out a regular pattern of overnight contact
You can read more on these sites
http://theparentconnection.org.uk/
http://www.familylaw.co.uk/system/uploads/attachments/0000/2078/CB1_1108.pdf
You can do this yourself if need be - so the only cost would be £215
When she makes the accusations - as she will - stay calm co-operate with the investigation - and simply keep going.
Avoid exchanges of email and texts - they are simply playing into her hands
I hope that this is of assistance - please ask if you need further details
Clare
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