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Clare
Clare, Solicitor
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 34234
Experience:  I have been a solicitor in High Street Practice since 1985 with a wide general experience.
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My step son lives with my hubby & me. My hubby G got with his

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My step son lives with my hubby & me. My hubby G got with his mum L when step son was 6 weeks old. They then had my step daughter and got married. L then left G for her now hubby T and they had 4 more children. Step sons bio dad K had a long term girlfriend A and they split up 4 years ago but then got back together to have a son but split up for good 3 years ago, at about the same time L and T were arrested for neglect of their flat and weren't allowed the kids unsupervised for nearly a year. Will had a bit of counselling round thus time as he was hurting himself on purpose and he was drawing some dark stuff and talking a lot about K&A's break up but ignoring probs with his mum. Me and G got together 6 years ago, I have a 8 year old from a previous relationship. We got married 4 years ago. Had 2 babies since (1&3).we moved 10 miles as needed bigger house 2 years ago. Then T started saying inappropriate stuff about court and slagging us off, L wasn't telling him stuff and he was getting angry with us. She was working and he was with the kids so after step son got upset again and told us what had been going on we got legal advice and ruled L to be with kids at all times they're there. Step son very angry and L & T kept putting ideas in his head to move in with them (when asked why he wanted to move he says to make them happy, asked if he wanted to he says wasn't sure). It calmed down after few months and he says was glad he didn't move. Then this year at the beginning summer holidays L disappeared one night and then the council evicted at and the kids the next day as she hadn't been filling in the forms and they owed £3k. He paid it off and got them back again. Step kids were due there but she hadn't showed up so we had to tell them the basics as the younger ones there knew. They were very upset. Next day she called as if nothing had happened. Step kids stay with T and little ones and he makes L gist, she had mental health issues. They split up a few weeks ago as T ground pics on her phone of her naked with another guy and she was on dating sites. Kids know and so upset. Step son eggs very angry this term when it her kids make yo mamma jokes and anything against his family.
Anyway, step son was back from his weekend at his bio dads K, said didn't want to go back, wouldn't hive a reason, said he had to go, he went 3 weeks later just after L & T break up, comes back & K says goes been asking to go live at K's. We sat him down says no - means uprooting, he's settled at school, friends, family life, etc. also 3 weeks before he never wanted to go back again, big u turn. He seemed angry and upset that night but calmer next day. K calls and says he called the school and they said he's been talking to counsellor and teacher & deputy head. We agreed to watch him. 3 weeks later K calls and says step son asking again and says school says find for him to ho.we sit down and agree to say no till after GCSE's and keep an eye on him. Step son very upset and keeps looking at AK as if he's going to say something to change our kind as up to then K refusing to say yes or no to him. Afterwards we say we'll keep an eye. Next sag K calls to say school called again as worried about his mental deterioration, he's been going to dep head 3 times a day crying begging not to go to lessons and they've been letting him gut and do the school work in library, and that they're thinking about going to social services. We arrange a meeting with the school for the Friday and in the mean time book him into replete counselling and join him up yo Army Cadets yuk try help with the anger. We turn up to the school meeting and K got there early with the dep head. We sit down. They start by saying then know thus might be hard girls us but the situation is damaging Step son and being very pushy that the only solution is step skin move to K and he is old enough to make the choice and go. I sag we've only known since Monday the severity of it but before can carry on a very stern K corrects me it's 4 weeks then turns back to the deputy head and they carry on talking to us. I egg a but tears and leave. My hubby asked why we weren't called, then awhile they'd tried to call but no joy (the only time we missed a call we tried calling back but they couldn't tell us who had called. We're on parent mail and they have our address but no correspondence). We left feeling very deflated and agreed must talk to L before discussing further. All weekend K pushy and when we got hold of L (T shouted at her to call us in the end) she agreed to meet up hut K veered towards the weekend after. Since then step eon has really opened up, he's angry at his mum a lot and the way things are changing with get and T, says he's less angry about being told no and then it was he just felt confused about other stuff and told T yesterday he was 60% live at K's and 40% live at ours. K sats step son told him Tuesday he wanted to def live with K.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Law
Expert:  Ash replied 2 years ago.
Alex Watts : Hello my name is ***** ***** I will help you with this.
Alex Watts : What is it you would like to know please?
Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Thank you for your question.
My name is Clare
I will do my best to help you but I need some further information first.
How old is your step son?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He's just turned 13 couple weeks ago. He decided a few weeks ago that he wanted to keep living with us as he loved his options he chose for GCSE's but his bio dad talked to him saying school wasn't inportant and that he could still go live there and pretty much talked him out of it. We found out tonight from step son his bio dads Ben organising mates to d the school runs and they've been planning his move without talking to us. Now step son wants to live there. We think a big part of it was bio dad was invited to his birthday and when he didn't show up and called him he said his baby sitter for other son had let him down and couldn't possibly come as such a long drive with his 3 year old. Step son was gutted he didn't come and a big part of him wanting to live there is to spend more time with bio dad and the family there as always letting him down. Bio dads not thought it out as he works long hours and does a lot if work from home. He has another son he has part time as well but not always when he has step son. Step son now completely convinced he's going from talking to bio dad and wants to go now. He hit back from bio dads this afternoon and bio dad said he couldn't come talk to us as he had kids to get back to as sister going out. Bio dad and bio mum don't get on and we do all the in between communication between them. I know bio dad was a bit annoyed when step son changed his mind.
Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Will there need to be a change of School?
Has there been a referral to Cahms?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yes change of school but his present school told step son straight away that they can do dual registration with another school in different county. No referral to CAHMS yet. He's adamant he wants to go when he speaks to school so no referral made.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Just to add he went for counselling we set up with Relateen (the school didn't bother, they had him speak to their school counsellor who step son said he didn't like so we got him counselling outside of school) but after 4 sessions step son told them he didn't want to go any more as he didn't need to talk any more and the counsellor told me in no uncertain terms he shouldn't be made to go if he didn't want to so we stopped the counselling.
Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
What is the current plan for timing of the move?
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Before the weekend it was agreed for him to make his decision at the end of the school year. His bio dad hasn't looked at school places his end yet which have said he should as if it goes ahead would need to have an idea if a school has a place for him. Also we are meeting with step sons school tomorrow to discuss dual registration as they said was doable but haven't set up for him yet. September would be best we all agreed as then gives time to set everything up and discuss any issues. Also time for our other kids to take on the information as well.
Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
That sounds very wise.
At this stage say that you will indeed agree to this provided that he has been able to visit his"new" school prior to the end of the School year.
Do nothing whatsoever to help or hinder this.
When you visit the school simply say that do expect to receive details of the proposed schools and look forward to receiving the same.
make it plain that you will NOT be involved in negotiations regarding contact with the biological mother
Suggest that he spends the coming half term with his father from start to end.
Also possibly the first two weeks of the Summer holiday.
In the mean time suggest that he spends three weekends out of four with his father - with father responsible for collecting him from school and delivering him to school.
Then let K get on with it and be responsible - which let us be honest is unlikely to be successful.
So far as the school is concerned you are neutral. Tell them that you are aiming for a gradual increase in preparation for the move and that you would be grateful if they could monitor this
Do not express your concern's about K's capacity - let them work it out themselves
Please ask if you need further details
Clare
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Unfortunately we can't do the first 2 weeks of the summer holidays as due to the current contact order step son gets a week at a time with each family and his mums already (apparently) booked her time off work accordingly. He's there for the 2nd and 5th although we'll have to change it as we have the 2 days before school starts. Thank you very much for your help. We're booked in to discuss stuff with his present school tomorrow and bio dads promised to look into schools this week. Going to ask about the next half term as agreed think will be a good way to test the waters and if he chose to come back his GCSE's start in September (they do it over 3 years here) so he'll be behind slightly if comes back in January.
Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Play it very cool and calm with the school - let them work out that K is not reliable.
Do not chase the school issue - it is up to K so let him get on with it
Clare
Clare, Solicitor
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 34234
Experience: I have been a solicitor in High Street Practice since 1985 with a wide general experience.
Clare and other Law Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I spoke to step sons bio dad Sunday the 19th April and said would go into the school to enquire about dual registration, etc. Asked him to look at schools and agreed to talk during the week. Went to the school on the tuesday and met with step sons tutor, they agreed to dual registration and said to just give them details of schools and they'd sort it out. We asked them not to say anything to step son yet as we wanted to wait till all parents discussed snd dual registration was organised with another school before saying, mainly not to get his hopes up if there was a problem. They agreed. Then we mailed the bio dad Kevin on the Wednesday night/early Thursday morning to say what the school had said, that we'd got some family advice and thought the trial half term a good idea to see how he settles in. Also bit about the money side, contact, etc. Said we hadn't told the kids yet as waiting for schools to be confirmed, families involved had a chance to go over everything, set it all up, and are ok with everything before telling step son and other kids. Asked him to let us know he'd received and any questions or input. Couple days later got a text to say he'd look at the mail when he had time and he was talking to step sons mum on the Sunday (26th). I'd spoken to her after talking to the school and explained everything (she sounded sad about it but agreed if best thing for step son) and said Kevin had been messaging her. I asked if he could call us on the Sunday after speaking to her. Never got a reply. I got a call from the bio mums(Louise) ex hubby (Tony who she has 4 other kids by. Turns out she's been lying about working and why she can't have the kids (she keeps saying she'll have them then claims working or ill but turns out she hasn't been working for a few weeks and when she says she's ill she's out instead). He's now cut her off from seeing their 4 until she sorts herself out which means when my step kids go to her they won't see their siblings. Text Kevin this evening asking for a chat about step son and her tomorrow. he replied an hour later yes after 5.30. He said he'd found 3 schools and was organising placements and dual registration with them and would give us names and details when knows can get a Will in. Said he'd reply to my mail tomorrow. Later my hubby text to say Kevin had called step son, step son said Kevin had called the school and was checking step son ok. He also said step son now knew about the plans to move. Very frustrating as told school not to say anything and had said in the mail to hold off saying anything until all adults discussed everything and school in place and move definitely arranged. Feel very much as though Kevin pushing us out, even though we're his step parents my hubby has parental responsibility of step son and I've officially lived with him full time since 2009. We've had troubl le before with him when he gets more time with Will he takes over and acts like we're the glorified baby sitters, also gets very over emotional. I also have a nasty feeling if step son changes his mind Kevin will either refuse to let him come back or do his best to make him stay. Also feels like a lot is being done behind our backs the last few months. The school he's looked at that definitely has a place has a bad Offstead report and reputation. My step son is also very bad at keeping a secret so means we have to tell the girls before set up. Maybe I'm over reacting and really sorry if I am :)
Couple of other questions - should the school have referred my step son to CAHMS (they were so worried about his mental state they called social services)? Also, when step son goes there do we pay child support? My hubby has the parental responsibility yet does not work or claim benefits, the only claim he's on is Child Benefit for my step kids and our joint Child Tax Credits. We've said we'll pay Kevin our step sons child benefit and child tax credits till the end of the dual registration period and then if he chooses to stay we'll write to Tax Credits & Child Benefit and get him taken off of our claims and then Kevin can apply for them. Is this a good way to go? Only suggested as he'll then be permanently there if chooses to be after the dual registration period. Where do we stand if step son wants to come back but Kevin refuses? What if he does poorly at school there? What if Kevin doesn't bring step son to his mums or cuts her out (he wanted to a few years back). What if he stops contact with us or makes it difficult? We have a contact order through the courts for how it is at the moment
Expert:  Clare replied 2 years ago.
Hi
I think you are being realistic not over reacting.
However you MUST step back - for your own sake and that of the children.
I actually think the school is acting badly - something you may wish to consider when your other children are old enough to attend that school.
A referral to CAHMS would have been a better option - but it is too late now for that to be the issue.
All you can do is ensure that your step son knows that you love him and it will never be too much trouble for him to come back.
Ask him to consider what time he would like to spend with you after the move and say that you will try and arrange that.
If the biological father does not agree then you may need to make an application to the court
The issue of his contact with his mother after the move is NOT YOUR PROBLEM so let it go
You will not have to pay maintenance.
Now step back and wait and do nothing more
Clare