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Clare
Clare, Solicitor
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 33953
Experience:  I have been a solicitor in High Street Practice since 1985 with a wide general experience.
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I don't know what to do. Please advise me. My wife conducted

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I don't know what to do. Please advise me. My wife conducted an emotional affair from 23rd May until 14 June this year. I found sexual comments from him to her on Twitter. Her behaviour had been strange for a few weeks. I loved this lady so much and we have been together 24 years and married 22. I challenged her and she collapsed into a breakdown with severe depression. She also has unresolved issues of multiple rape, violence and abuse from her previous two marriages. She has never got any help for these ever. She has been diagnosed depressed, trauma and ptsd. On 24th June she was still talking to him 4 hours a day which was upsetting my children (17 and 22) I sent an email to them both asking them to either be together or stop. My wife stated divorce and said I was an emotional abuser! She was in an abusive relationship and her care team he recorded it as such. I was shocked and hurt. Our first 10 years was very frenetic with both if us bad at relationships. She shouted I ran, and left many times, common theme. She had a foul mouth and I was angry. No violence though. I had an affair in 2003, confessed and we separated for three months before reconciling through relate. The next 12 years were ok I thought. We did lose our home in 2010 and through bad financial decisions and a demotion at work we never got back on the property ladder. My wife always resented this. I thought we were doing ok though and seemed to be in love, we had a reasonable physical life and did lots together. What I did not know was that my wife had been going to my oldest daughters room from 2004 to 2011 telling her how much she didn't like me, the marriage etc and once wishing I was dead. I had no idea. When she went to university in 2011 my wife then did the same with my youngest daughter. They called it mums Pandora's box and told no one. I have worked hard the last 4 years, tough job as a retail manager 65 hour weeks year after year to pay uni fees and keep us afloat. Also commuting 130 miles a day. I know now I had stopped paying her attention, showing an interest, listening is the big one my daughters constantly point out now. They both say it has not been abusive though as do her family who have known me for 24 years. Now she has left, taken herself to a refuge!! Somwhere left me with all the responsibilities of a daughter with anxiety disorder, the home, all the bills, kids who look ok on the outside but seriously affected by this, all her messages to them are cryptic and she says nothing really. She wants to divorce me on grounds of unreasonable behaviour but now I don't know when this will be, where she is, what she is doing. I have never raised a hand to her ever, never told her what to wear, stopped her access to money or transport or from seeing her friends, ever. (What emotional abusers do apparently) she has never complained to me about any of these things, never told me she was telling the kids she was unhappy, like a copy husband I just got blindsided!! I do believe she is quite ill and irrational but it seems she may be doing this to ensure she is re housed, benefits etc. not nice for me though and I don't even know who this woman is now I just don't recognise her. During our live in separation before she went I was nothing other than kind and helpful to her in the face of extreme abusive behaviour and nastiness. I have text messages of total kindness from me and abuse back from her. I do love her ( or the wife I did have) but what legal advice can you give me please. I need I think to protect myself, do I go for divorce first?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Law
Expert:  Clare replied 1 year ago.
Hi
Thank you for your question.
My name is Clare
I will do my best to help you but I need some further information first.
What would you like to know about the position?
Clare
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I think my wife is ill but seems to be playing the situation constantly. No one knows where she is, she is also vague to the children. Going into a refuge is awful and has taken the place away from someone who might desperately need it. Ii offered her our home to stay in and I would go when she wanted separation. She refused. I was kind and helpful the whole time we lived together (as sepetated) and helped her find a house to move to locally. I was her guarantor. Next messages about leave me alone and I will call the police if you make me sign the contract. Out of the blue and irrational ! I think she is trying to create a narrative here to punish me in court / divorce playing the system to get housing. As I said not rational at all. Will this narrative go against me in divorce court if she tries to claim emotional abuse? Thanks

Expert:  Clare replied 1 year ago.
Hi
What capital assets are there and what income do you each have?
Clare
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

No house we rent.

I earn 8ok she earns 11k.

Kids all over 18.

Expert:  Clare replied 1 year ago.
Hi
Do you, however sadly, accept that the marriage is over?
Clare
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Clarke. I am sadly coming to terms that this may be final. My wife who I love deeply seems determined to start a new life. It has all happened so fast over just 6 weeks. 8 weeks ago she was telling me she loved me it's been hard. She is though very depressed and suffering ptsd. I hold a small candle of hope she may reflect at a time in the future. All I can do is work on myself, hold on to my job, fight my own depression which I can feel daily and be there for my girls at home with me. Every day gets 1% easier. Just coping daily. I do need to protect myself though and be ready against these allegations.

Thanks

Alex

Expert:  Clare replied 1 year ago.
Hi
There is nothing you can or should do - other than make no further attempt to contact her.
She may well make allegations but all they will get her is a divorce - there is nothing else to argue over.
She will be entitled to spouse maintenance because of the difference in your incomes but this will not be changed no matter what allegations she makes.
I hope that this is of assistance please ask if you need further details
Clare
Clare, Solicitor
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 33953
Experience: I have been a solicitor in High Street Practice since 1985 with a wide general experience.
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