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Jo C.
Jo C., Barrister
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 70209
Experience:  Over 5 years in practice
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I have been in an abusive relationship 7 years with a man.

Customer Question

I have been in an abusive relationship 7 years with a man. The doctors etc say it is abuse but I don't mind. He has never laid a finger on me. But he has a proper girlfriend who he sees at weekends and he just saw me two or three days in the week for oral sex. I had to do it for two hours then he kicked me right away out the house. We were allowed sex about once a month if that. If I asked why he never pleased me etc he would dump me. I would them beg for a few weeks, back he would come as long as I pleasures him for two hours three times a week etc etc he had a fake email for me to contact him and replied about twice a week.
It was very hard seeing him go for holidays with his g f who he swore on his kids life they didn't have sex etc etc. I have mental health issues and a complex physical history too. I started taking over doses when I met him and took thirty. I never did this til I met him.
A year ago it all got too much I caught him sleeping other women. I smashed his window. I got a continual caution. I paid for window eve. Though court said I need not as I'm on sickness benefits. He said if I paid it he may come back. I feel he took advantage there too. Anyway a month later he told me where he works on army base the soldier has live bullets in gun. I thought good idea to try run through see if he shot me- I told him of my intention and the police were waiting I saw them panic and drive off they chased me a mile until stopped me. I then lost driving licence.
Then in October 2014 he put restraining order on me and conditional discharge for ' unwanted contact' despite seeing him three times and having sex! He later admitted it was cos his g f was turning up doing spot checks on him and he didn't want to get caught so had to keep me away
He has been emailing me about every few weeks since January and in July we started having a sexual relationship again. Now he has vanished again! And I bombard him with fifty email a day but still no reply.
My next move will be to write a letter and put through door
What will happen if he goes police and tells I broken restraining many times? Even though he replied and said there is hope for future and happily had sexual relationship with me?
What happens I am in trouble with the conditional discharge still running
Could I lose my driving licence again for looking unstable?
I do not want him out my life. Past experience shows the more u chase him eventually he comes back. But I can't risk losing my car or prison
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Law
Expert:  Jo C. replied 1 year ago.
Hi.
Thank you for your question. My name is ***** ***** I will try to help with this.
Is this the first breach?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
It will be the first the police know about. I have seen him bout ten times and written nearly every day since last October but he tells me if he gets fed up with emailing he will just delete account so it won't bother him
Expert:  Jo C. replied 1 year ago.
Well, he probably will do that. There is widespread abuse of the restraining order. I don't know why we bother with them. Mostly in my experience they are just used by people to control their partners. All people do, or at least far too many people, is take them out and encourage breaches so that they can always call the police and get revenge. Horribly childish which is something people are entitled to be if they want to be until it costs the taxpayer money which this does. The entire issue should be in the family courts at the cost of the applicant but there you have it.
If he complains of fifty emails a day then that is a breach and it is a heavy one.
Whether you have a defence depends. I have to say that I do usually get people off if contact has been encouraged as usually these orders have a proviso of 'without reasonable excuse' but then usually people don't send 50 emails a day.
If it does lead to a conviction then the conditional discharge would fall to be resentenced again. If that was a harassment and you are in breach of the restraining order imposed arising from it then probably they would be looking at a community order. There would also be compensations, court costs of £85, the court charge of £180 and a surcharge.
If he is encouraging breaches then it is an option for you to apply for the restraining order to be removed though.
Can I clarify anything for you?
Jo
Jo C. and other Law Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Do you think they could revoke my driving licence again ?
Expert:  Jo C. replied 1 year ago.
The Court won't. These are not offences that would lead to interest in your driving licence.
The DVLA could on health grounds but only if they receive notification of something that would affect your driving licence. The Court won't notify on this basis. I suppose he could although it isn't as simple as a tip off from a random member of the public.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
It was the police last time who told dvla. They could again if think I'm unstable again after flying under their radar for ten months now I could re appear.
If I were to smash his window again what is the worst that could happen please
Expert:  Jo C. replied 1 year ago.
Yes, there is a risk that could happen but there would need to be evidence of that.
If you were just responding to his approaches then that wouldn't be evidence although 50 emails a day is a lot.
Smashing his window would rack up the sentencing options several times over and it would lead to a concern of instability by the police.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Regarding responding to his approaches- to be fair it's not him who has ever instigated contact. It's me. But he replies after about twenty emails. So I'm going to look the bad guy even though he is giving me mixed messages? And wasn't waving his restraining order around when we were having a physical relationship last week!
As usual I will come out worse?
Expert:  Jo C. replied 1 year ago.
Yes, that is right.
Usually women do this to men but I am fully aware that the restraining order is the most abused order in the UK.
What you have to do is not respond to contact unless you can get the restraining order removed.
However, it is not a good idea to have relationships with people who keep the police on speed dial.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
So he will not get reprimanded at all for putting a restraining order on me but then inviting me to meet him to discuss things in a cafe ?! And letting me in when I have knocked on door and ' allowed' me to pleasure him? Surely that's not fair?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Am I supposed to have an appriaote adult with me when I'm in custody being interviewed ABD strip searched? I have borderline personality disorder. Severe anxiety ABD three other personality disorders
Expert:  Jo C. replied 1 year ago.
No, he will not.
They might seek an appropriate adult maybe. It depends upon your condition and how it manifests itself at the moment. I wouldn't hold out for one. They are not all that useful.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Is there anything I can plead to help my case of getting as little punishment as possible? I just want to talk to him. I know he is waiting for me to put a letter through door. I know that he knows by ignoring my emails he knows I will resort to letters. And as he was emailing under fake account the police prob won't be very sympathetic to him but now if I post a hard copy of a letter through door he can nail me and look more innocent. I have kept all his replies but last time the solicitor didn't even want to look at them so seems pointless.
Expert:  Jo C. replied 1 year ago.
Not on this basis. The trouble is that you are not allowed to talk to him and saying you want to is going to rack up the sentence several times over.
The police won't be sympathetic anyway. They are fully well aware that most of what we euphemistically call domestic abuse is really just childish people using them to mediate relationship issues and that does generally show in their attitude. They would probably rather he stopped reporting this nonsense too.