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Clare
Clare, Solicitor
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 34107
Experience:  I have been a solicitor in High Street Practice since 1985 with a wide general experience.
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After a 14 year (unmarried) relationship and a Mother of 2

Resolved Question:

After a 14 year (unmarried) relationship and a Mother of 2 beautiful children now aged 11 and 12, for carefully contrived and controlled narcissistic reasons, 12 months ago I became the Non Resident Parent. This I understand is not so unusual anymore as certain men seem not just to want rid of their partner but to destroy them both emotionally and financially while pretending to be the upright and bountiful father. The reason for this contact is; while the children wanted to return to their home and schools, and we have Joint Custody, their father has continued the non communication alongside the drip drip drip of bile so much so both children are still suffering, with my daughter becoming more and more withdrawn and is in need of further counselling help. I have asked repeatedly that she is encouraged to restart counselling but the situation is now that she is afraid to comply with anything her Mother suggests for fear of losing face or the love of her Father, and recently she has told me to my face that she hates me! Where do I go other than a solicitor that I cannot afford, for help as Cafcas were useless?
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Law
Expert:  Clare replied 9 months ago.

Thank you for your question

My name is Clare

I shall do my best to help you but I need some further information first

When are you meant to see the children?

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Alternate weekends plus first half of school holidays were agreed for Joint custody order
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Should say the alternate weekends have been mostly kept to, him delivering on Friday evenings and me returning on late Sunday afternoons, a distance of around 80 miles each way.
Expert:  Clare replied 9 months ago.

What about the school holidays

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I did manage to have the children for the half term and two weeks of this summer but had to fit round his water ski competitions plus I am new to my job so only had 2 weeks paid holiday. I had arranged the 3rd week cover with my Sis in law and Mother. but my daughter would not come then.
Expert:  Clare replied 9 months ago.

Have you seen her since then?

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
as i mentioned, alternate weekends are kept to but have become very difficult with my daughter just dashing in up to her room and almost refusing to do anything but talk or Facetime friends all weekend. Tonight she had to be coaxed out of his car by him and then became quite abusive and emotional before getting into my car to go away this weekend. One thing in my favour is that for the weekends, he is always keen they come to me as he gets his time doing what he likes.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
For 10 days of our 2 weeks summer holiday I took the children to Cornwall staying on Hayle beach along with my Brother and his 2 boys. It was also difficult with Sophie refusing to join in but there were times where she would forget her "war" with me and there have been odd moments since where we've managed to make cakes or paint together, but this needs time and peace from distractions.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
My daughter avidly draws pictures of animals, beginning with ponies but now mostly wolves with semi human faces which she posts on Instagram and now has quite a following. What is alarming is the more recent sad, broken, injured animal drawings with comments such as "I am mad" or I have a "stitched on smile" and one with the heart pulled out on the ground saying it was torn in two.............
Expert:  Clare replied 9 months ago.

Does her school have any concerns?

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
When the children returned last September the school reported that my daughter was happy to be back and that my son was struggling a to settle but I have had their reports since and both are achieving quite well and are well thought of, (which they always were). Of late I have been trying to again contact the school welfare Officer, (I have known her through their infant school too) but she has not replied. I am considering writing and/or visiting the school again.Part of me wishes I could return to live closer to my children but I tried this with the children in my care for nearly 2 years and my life was never my own, he interfered and controlled everything I/we did. It was his idea that we leave as after 4 years of counselling after he had had an affair resulting in a half sister to my two.
Sorry, hope there is enough here to give a sensible picture as I must go to bed now. I can continue from 9am if required?
Expert:  Clare replied 9 months ago.

What do you wish to achieve at this point

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I contacted this website because I want and need acknowledgement and support/direction for help for my daughter and with sourcing help for her unhappy distorted mental state? I understand why my question has been passed to you, a Solicitor, but you must see that I could not return to court without this support. I just cannot get my expartner to acknowledge the problem, he blames me for it and enjoys the fact that my daughter is now rejecting me.
Expert:  Clare replied 9 months ago.

I am sure that you are correct about your ex - and you are also correct in thinking that at this stage the law cannot help you.

A visit to the school is a must so that they can be aware of your concerns and over your daughter more assistance

Many schools actually offer counselling and if the suggestion comes from then it is unlikely that your ex will reject it.

What you can do is equip yourself with all the necessary help in dealing with your daughter to ensure that you are able to walk beside her as she finds her way through the adult emotions that surround her

This web site

http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/parents_guide?gclid=Cj0KEQjw1ee_BRD3hK6x993YzeoBEiQA5RH_BBQVe2c26Sl1I83GTZ50k4ORztE8RfC-SwaIE1JwtpkaArLB8P8HAQ

may help as may this one

https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting/parenting-teenagers

The most important point is for your to stay well physically and mentally - important when there is an abusive ex in the background

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
My only query at the moment is; please can you re-read your final comments, lines 2 and 3 as some of it is either missing or just does not read correctly?
Many thanks
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
please just re-do 2 lines as requested above ? just a bit confusing
Expert:  Clare replied 9 months ago.

My apologies - there was indeed a typographical error - I have a dressing on a finger and it is causing chaos

"A visit to the school is a must so that they can be aware of your concerns and offer your daughter more assistance

Many schools actually offer counselling and if the suggestion comes from the school then it is unlikely that your ex will reject it".

Clare and other Law Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Thank you Clare,
Been in touch with the school, they had identified an issue and will support Sophie's daytime counselling from Relate where I now have her on their waiting list.
Expert:  Clare replied 9 months ago.

Excellent news!