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Harris
Harris, Law Specialist
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 1770
Experience:  Family Law - Specialist in Divorce, Financial Relief and Children Matters
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We are divorced. I have a court order that children to live

Resolved Question:

Hello.
We are divorced. I have a court order that children to live with me (Mother) and go to their Farther every other weekend from Friday after school till Sunday 5pm; school holidays to be shared.
Since the divorce I run the calendar and email it to my ex.
We live*****away from each other. Also he has got his new partner and very soon he lives at hers too, let's say he uses our family home mostly for business now, ie he has runs his practice from there but spends most of the time at his partners house.This is a little bit of the background.
Lately, my girls (8 yo and 6yo) told me that this is daddies "fake house" and that they have rooms in Sandra's house (new partner of ex), which is fine by me. But what they also said is that on the weekends when girls are in his care, he lives them with Sandra and goes to work (he could arrange not to work, as he is his own boss tho), and girls are not very happy about it, as they would prefer to stay with Mummy (me) and have play dates arranged etc. I suggested to him many time, that if he needs to work, I would like to have the girls and then he can pick them up at any time hen he finishes his work. He refused to do so and he is bulling girls not tell me anything and both girls are scared to say anything against his words, as they will get in trouble and he will be very crossed with them. As a Mother, I don't think it is right but I am scared of him too and don't know where I stand as he frightens me with legal actions each time I say anything against him. So where do I stand? Can I tell tell him that if once more I will find out that when girls have to be in his care he leaves then with Sandra only and doesn't let girls stay with their mother, that I will suspend next visits, until he confirms or agrees to leave girls with me when he is working on Saturday?
Also, after I sent him my latest calendar, where I stated that I will drop girls at his on Wednesday, 26th Oct, in the morning on my way to work at 9am and he should bring them back on Sunday, 23rd at 5pm(this his share of the half term), he wrote back to me saying that if I drop them at his on Tuesday evening, then he will bring them back on Sunday evening BUT if I drop them off on Wednesday morning, the n he will give them back only on Monday morning (school inset day and my day off!). He said in his email - this is his rule!! So, my question is, can I say in my email "please follow the calendar and don't set up any rules. and if girls will be not returned to me on Sunday at 5pm, I'll be contacting the police and suspending any future visits until further notice".
Hope, I managed to outline the situation...
I had been in touch with Womens Aid and social services regarding his mental abuse and controlling behavior towards my girls and myself, I even took my oldest to private psychologist, as we all afraid of him, to say any words against him and I did worry about how my girls are coping when in his care, as they been slapped over theirs faces by Dad. My oldest one she said to me: Mummy, I tell Daddy what he wants to hear when he asks as if I love him or who do I want to live with, as if I say what I think and what I feel, he will be very crossed with me and I will get in trouble" .....My heart is crying and I want to protect my children but he behaves like he rules the world...
Thank you
Best Regards
MD
Submitted: 1 month ago.
Category: Law
Expert:  Harris replied 1 month ago.

Hi, thank you for your question. Could you please attach the order using the paperclip icon?

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
Hello. Yes, I can. Just give me a minute to find it
Customer: replied 1 month ago.
Please see attached..
Customer: replied 1 month ago.
Hello. Can you please confirm you received attached child arrangement order...
Expert:  Harris replied 1 month ago.

Thank you for confirming. I have considered the order and it is clear that there is no formal order, but a reflection and recital as to your agreement for the arrangements.

You have raised two concerns, one of them serious. The first is him leaving the children with his partner and the second and more serious incident is him slapping the children. The latter would be grounds to suspend contact until it is clear that the children are not at risk. Therefore you should amend the text you have outlined to email to him to confirm what you will inform the police about if you were to contact them.

I hope this assists you. If you found this information helpful please provide a positive rating using the stars at the top of this page. I will not be credited for your question without a positive rating. Thank you

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
Thank you, Harris.
Regarding slapping, social services interviewed both girls and decided that it is still ok for them to go there, as both of them forgave Daddy. And I been told by SS, that slapping with an open hand and without leaving marks (I wouldn't see them anyway, as on half terms girls spend couple of day in a row at his) is kind off allowed by the law.
Also, I forgot to mention, my ex refuses to let girls to call me when in his care, what upsets them very much, and he doesn't pick his phone up when I call.
Please correct me if I am wrong, but I understood that I am within my rights to let girls not to go to daddy if they don't want to; also, that I am within my rights to suspend their contact until he provides me with an address of his new partner where he resides and where my girls are kept over the weekends when in his care?
And also, that I don't have to agree to his "rules" on altering the calendar I run if there no obvious reason, apart of him to control and get everything his way. So I am alright to request that when in his care and he leaves them on their own with his partner and goes to work, girls prefer to be at home with me and be picked up by Dad when he finishes work?
Each time he does frighten me with his legal team and that he will take me to court if I don't give him what he wants. So will all of my points look reasonable in court? My priority is girls safety and comfort and I do plan my life around their routine, their social life etc.... Where in his case, his priority is control and his ego but this is so difficult to prove, as he knows exactly what he is doing, he knows what to say and how to manipulate the Judge. He laughed at my face when he said I don't stand a chance against him....
Thank you
Marina.
PS I really need al those answers, so I feel more confident to stand up for my girls and me against him!!
Expert:  Harris replied 1 month ago.

1. It is correct that slapping in itself, if it does not cause a mark is not illegal, but the emotional and physical harm that this would cause may be seen as a child protection concern.

2. The agreement in the order does not provide for indirect telephone contact and it would be expected that time spent with each parent should be enjoyed solely between that parent and the child and it is usual for there to be provision for telephone contact where there is a less regular contact arrangement. In any event you should propose it due to the children's views.

-If the children are staying somewhere you are not aware of, eg. his partner's address you would be entitled to know where they stay if it is not with him - but this brings up more issues that the time they are with him should be spent with him and not solely with his new partner.

Harris, Law Specialist
Category: Law
Satisfied Customers: 1770
Experience: Family Law - Specialist in Divorce, Financial Relief and Children Matters
Harris and 3 other Law Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 month ago.
Thank you Harris
....Emotional and physical harm....this is what I am dealing with for the last 2-3 years!! Apparently, it is impossible to prove, the mental abuse.... My ex knows that and he is very cleaver about it. This is his second divorce, so he knows how system works, and also he is a very cleaver chartered accountant..
When I pronounced about the divorce 3 years ago, his Mother, bless her said to me two things:
- Don't blame him, he never had a role model
- Do you realize, you'll be not able to live in such a bog house (we lived in three storeys, 4 bedrooms house)....
l looked at her and though that she is a poor lady if the house is the only reason I should stay with her son...but I didn't say anything, because of respect to her age and because she is a Mum!
Anyways...my ex "played it nicely" during divorce and all of this became clear at the third final financial sitting, all dot-to-dot became a clear picture:
so he became very aggressive and verbally abusive since I said I wanted the divorce; he was calling me names ec.. in front of the children and, generally, made my life impossible under the same roof with him (even if I had to fit a lock into my bedroom), so I did run away with children at one night when he was at his new girlfriend's, where he did spent regular weekends and night in the middle of the week. Again, him being careful not to spend there more than 4 nights a week, so that wouldn't count towards cohabiting and he would have to put his new partner on his Form E. So, when I was accepted to get a rented flat through the housing association, one night I packed all girls and my belongings and left everything else behind. My solicitor and police were aware, so my solicitor sent an email to my ex, informing him that we have moved out of our matrimonial home and letting him know our new address (5 mins drive from where we used to live). As I mentioned above, this was part of his plan, to make my life impossible, so I would move out voluntarily, and now he was saying to the Judge, that his ex and children were securely accommodated and there was no rush to sell the house. (making story short, he done lots of "cleaver" things, being an accountant and running his own business he showed the smallest income possible; he opened new company(same business) and transferred all clients data base there, so now he had 100% shares (in previous company I had 49% shares) and, also, because it was a new, less than a year old, company, he kind off could raise a mortgage so he should stay in the house for another year and so on and so on... All I thought was clear what he did and why, but his solicitor was so good (and I was totally disappointed in mine) and after all Judge agreed and drafted the court order that matrimonial house should be put on the open market no later than 15 September 2016 (still not on the market tho!!!);
Also, he had a house on Madeira and he made fake email and twisted the fact, saying that house is in a state and unsaleable, so Judge believed him on this one too and excluded this house from the asset schedule, however left all mortgage against matrimonial house as liability.... And surprise , surprise!!: House on Madeira was sold straight away after the final hearing and my ex got cash of over 100,000€!! without the need to pay any mortgage back as it is allocated against the matrimonial home now!!
I treated this situation as if money make him happy, let it be!! And he knows that my children is what I care about and will never fall for money! He tried to control me financially but it didn't work and then he said to me: Children!!! That where you don't have way out and I'll make you to suffer! (his exact words)
I have spoken to so many professionals by now, and the social worker, and Womens aid, and I had two Police officers talking to me in my kitchen after I rang them again telling that I don't know what to but my children came back from their father and both said to me that he slapped their faced, said that when he asks who they want to live with, if they say with Mummy then they get in trouble so they both apologized to me, saying: Mummy, we had to tell him what he wanted to hear, otherwise Daddy doesn't give up and asking us again and again, until we say so.." Mu heart goes for my two little girls, having to deal with their bully dad!! So Police officers spoke to me, supported me, said that this is very common behavior, but apparently there is little can be done, as mental abuse is impossible to prove!!!
I felt like I am having a lot of talks but no actual help!! Eventually, I decide to take my daughter to see private psychologist, report of which I am attaching for you to read..... This was very expensive , £200/hr, so I couldn't afford much but still managed to have 3 hrs in total, 2hrs of which my oldest daughter had 1:1 with psychologist, as she needed it the most !!! And that when social services got involved as she (psychologist) reported to SS..
Customer: replied 1 month ago.
Cont....
I did have big hope for SS, as I thought they will help us, me and my children...but after their assessment they decided that girls got over his behavior (well....psychologist gave some good advises to my older daughter and that help her a bit)... But what actually happened, my children were very worried that they have to talk over unpleasant memories and experiences over and over again, and they were so scared to get in trouble with daddy, so they stopped talking and opening up about it..... But it doesn't make it right at all!!! And yet again, I am against the brick wall, with no support and him celebrating, that nothing can be done to him and that when children are in his care "it is none of my business what he does with them" - that his exact words in my face!!! And yet again, we (my girls and me) "sitting quietly" and are scared to make a move or say a word against him, as we don't want to make him angry .....
Everywhere on the web it does say that the Law is in the best interest of children, and that mothers and children will be protected but in reality NO, we are not protected, as who have the money they "rule the world", whatever the Law says...
I wish there would be a really good solicitor out there, who would help Mums like me and who would do it because he cares, not because high fees at the end and only. (this is not addressed to you, Harris, in the slightest, but my own experience during 3 courts)
Apologies for taking it all out on here, but would you have any suggestions, any advises, any ideas....
Are you allowed to call and talk or is this is all being monitored and inappropriate?
Best regards
Marina

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