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Ask Dr. Chip Your Own Question
Dr. Chip
Dr. Chip, Board Certified Physician
Category: Medical
Satisfied Customers: 31650
Experience:  20 yrs. in practice, includinge surgery, general medicine, addiction medicine and pain.
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We are both 37, been together 2 years tomorrow. He has never

Customer Question

We are both 37, been together 2 years tomorrow. He has never been married, I am divorced with two children.He is the best boyfriend in a lot of ways. he is excellent with my children and kind and loving to me. However he has told me we does not want to move in together, despite the fact the he stays with us from thursday to sunday every week.Plus another day in the week. He says he enjoys the 2 week nights he has alone. He plays sport at a local club on that day. that is how we met. he call me every night before he sleeps. I have keys to his place and he to mine. However he has informed me that he does not want to move in the us. I am devastated as I want a full on committed relationship. He is committed in every other way and I totally trust him. What do I do.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Medical
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
Hi--sorry to hear about this. Has he said specifically why he doesn't want to move in with you?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for your response, the only reason he gives is that he enjoys the two free nights he has without explaining himself. He feels he does not like to explaining himself, for example when they finish their squash tournaments on Wednesday evenings they stay at the club and have a beer with the team mates. He gets back to his just before midnight. He feels if he lived with me, he would feel its too late to be getting to mine. they sometimes have a curry after. The funny thing is he gets home and is on the phone to me before bed anyway. He went to boarding school when he was 7. He has lived alone for a long time.

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
So he's never been in a committed relationship like this before?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

He has not had many girlfriends, He lived with his university girlfriend who was bi polar. He has since had a 4 girlfriends. I think ours is the longest he has had in his thirties.

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
OK--and I assume you've told him that it would be no problem if he got home to you late those two nights?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Yes I have, i have even explained that I have no objection to his evenings out. its one of the best things I like about him. He has a hobby. I explained that he is on the phone after the night out anyway. He also knows what I want from the relationship

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
So what does he say when you tell him there's no problem with his being back with you late those nights?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Nothing much, other than that he will feel like he is answerable to me. He says he enjoys his own company.

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
So sorry for the delay--computer problems. Has marriage ever been discussed?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Yes it has, when we first met I told him I did not want to marry again due to the financial reasons, my ex cost me half my business. He said he was not bothered about marrying legally, we both said we wanted a long term committed relationship. Why do you ask that? If he cannot move in, marriage will be an even bigger jump.
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
Just wanted to know the whole situation, and of course people can have the same committed nourishing relationship as married folks without being married. Let me ask this--what bothers you so much about his not being totally "moved in" with you--in a way, five out of seven days isn't just a casual relationship
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I think that's the problem, I don't understand why it bothers me, I would like to figure this out myself. On the other hand what harm does an extra two days do. He is always there if I need him, if one of my children has something on he always comes, he goes o. Holiday with us and helps me with my business accounts( he is a chartered account and I run my own business. He does not accept any money for this. Apart from the lack of commitment ( if we can call it that) it's all perfect
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
So somehow you think that he isn't totally committed to you with asking for the two days a week free?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Sounds silly when you put it like that, he also doest say he loves me often, infact 4 times in two years. Maybe that's the issue. I need help to gain clarity and acceptance on this, perhaps iam just too old fashioned
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
Not silly at all, and we can continue after this if you'd like. I can fully understand why you might question his commitment here. It would somewhat be like asking him to marry you and his refusal to do it without saying why, even though both of you don't seem to place a lot of weight on marriage right now. Nothing really wrong with you but if this part bothers you and he's unwilling to give you those other two days, I'd say he isn't totally committed. If you really can't live with the arrangement right now, you need to tell him so and offer him the option of giving you the other two days or the two of you moving on to another relationship.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I have thought about this, I suppose I am concerned about that set of new problems a new relationship will seems everyone I know has an issue in there relationship.
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
I understand. Perhaps for now you can be satisfied with the relationship you have and maybe in time he'll make the full committment.

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