Firstly, I don't know if I am depressed or if I just want to be depressed as an excuse for my actions so I think I just need to talk to someone.
Talking to people is really hard for me, and I hate speaking face to face with people. The only way I could get my points across regarding problems at college was over email.
I am currently at college in the UK studying 4 AS levels; English, Media, Art and French. French is a subject I now seem to hate, and even after meetings with school and my parents and teachers, I still don't want to even try to attend the subject, which is probably getting me into more trouble but at this moment, I feel I really don't care about my future and I'm just trying to get myself through a day without speaking to anyone or crying about anything.
I got over ten A* to B grade GCSE's in high school but it seems now my attitude to learning has changed quite a bit.
The problems with French seem to have made me feel worse but I don't believe that's how these feelings started. I have felt like this for over a year on and off, and I don't even know why. I don't really believe in mental illnesses due to my parents beliefs so therefore I can't tell really how I'm feeling. I have taken quite a few depression tests - all telling me I have some kind of depression but then I can't help thinking that I've probably over analysed the questions.
I often feel like I don't control my own body and I do a lot of actions on impulse like when walking to a French lesson the other day all of a sudden I took a different corridor and brought myself to the library instead, therefore skipping lessons, which I had never done before.
I don't want to see a doctor, or be made a fuss of because I believe it's some kind of call for attention, which I really don't want. But somehow I need to know what's going on. I don't really want to get rid of the sadness I have though because I'm not really making an effort to get out of this state of mind.
My parents split when I was young and I have only experienced one death which was last year, of my great- grandma but we weren't very close. My dad and ex-step mum are now divorced and my dad has a new girlfriend. Although I like them all, I never really want to go to my dads other than when my sister is there, who's nine. My home life is fine, but I'm feeling a lot of pressure to get a job and to not drop out of my French class. Which makes me feel like they don't understand how sad this lesson makes me feel (I don't know why) and just think I'm being lazy.
I love to write which is probably why I send emails rather than interacting with people. I love movies, reading, traveling, skating, going to the cinema, being with my scout group outdoors but skating, and being with the other explorer scouts is something I'm not always happy about. I'd like to be able to go out whenever I want and I long for freedom both from the rules of society - like the need to work to live, which I don't understand - and from school and my parents. I don't tend to move or want to move much when I'm unhappy and instead like to watch movies. Being fairly new to my scout group, I don't always think I'm welcome but try to make myself believe that these people actually like me.
I don't know why I want you reply, or why I wrote this but maybe it's just to get someone to try and understand me and so I can't see I'm being judged (despite my on-going 'mission' to be different and careless). Please reply with something, I don't know what I want you to say?
I wrote this email (above) a few weeks ago to a depresson help website. The reply I got was to go and see a doctor and talk with my parents so I just ignored it and tried to get back to normal. That just made me more unhappy. I have since dropped French and feel both slightly less stressed jet more pressure to do well. Im just asking for an indication whether depression is a real thing, or am I just looking for something to blame my attitude on? I don't know if this covered your mental block question but I don't really know how to explain that in short.
Thanks for the reply.