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Dr. Chip
Dr. Chip, Board Certified Physician
Category: Medical
Satisfied Customers: 28687
Experience:  20 yrs. in practice, includinge surgery, general medicine, addiction medicine and pain.
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Hi, 3 years ago I found that my then 14 year old had smoked

Resolved Question:

Hi,
3 years ago I found that my then 14 year old had smoked weed. I come from a conservative background and always prided myself for being a good mother. It was a total let down. Since then there have been screams in the house and a lot of disturbance at home generally. This has caused a lot of problems with my 9 year old. He in turn argues a lot about any instruction given and generally I loose it and get physical with him some time. He goes between cowing down and hiding himself to the other extent of sheer impertinence with the worst temper tantrums ever. I have tried staying calm etc. etc. but can only last a few days before I blow my top. Just don't know what to do and am getting thoroughly depressed!
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Medical
Expert:  Dr. Phil, MD replied 3 years ago.
Hello. I'm Dr. Phil, licensed and practicing internist. Excellent service is my goal.

Thanks for this question

Have you considered seeing a family counselor for help?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I am sorry but is that your answer?
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 3 years ago.
Hi--let me see if I can help but this is just an information request and not my answer yet. It sounds like this is more than just a problem with your nine year old--can you tell me what more is going on in your household?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Well as I said things with my now 17 year old are on a very restrictive basis. He does well at school, but does not want to make the effort to achieve his full potential, but I have come to the conclusion that as the younger one is so argumentative I will not have arguments with the elder one as well.
My husband is a good father but not necessarily someone who takes them to task when things get out of hand. I seem to be quiet alone on this sometime.
But my primary worry is my younger son, who is a lovely boy, but argues like crazy about anything that we ask him to do or he starts acting like a wounded animal the minute I raise my voice!
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 3 years ago.
OK. How is he doing in school and how is he around his friends?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Initially his year 4 teacher constantly complained that he talked a lot in class, so she put him in the back seat all by himself, but that did not seem to perturb him. Recently at the parent teacher meeting she was all praises for his aptitude in English and said he was truly amazing( her words) in reading, writing and communication.
As for friends, he is popular. Though he tends to stick to a certain group of the dramatic type, who like to play act super heros like him! Especially there is one boy that he is very close to but the mother does everything so that they do not see eCh other outside school. He always loved acting and would usually get one of the plum roles. But at a show recently both my husband and myself found he looked very sad on stage, when we asked him about it, he told us nothing is wrong at school.
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 3 years ago.
I see. When he has these outbursts at home are they random and unpredictable or is in only with certain scenarios?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Generally it starts when he is just not in the mood to do something! Or he just feels like arguing about something that we have asked him to do. He is a very amiable chap and I am often surprised by the number of people who tell me they like him.
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 3 years ago.
OK--sorry for all the questions here. Is it just with you that he seems to have a problem and not with your husband?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Well let's say there are more problems with me as I make more demands.
All I want to know is how I can get him to listen in a positive fashion before he pushes me over board and how can I stop feeling absolutely sick afterwards for having been angry with him!
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 3 years ago.
OK--just one more bit of information before I give you my suggestions here. Can you give me an example of what goes on with one of these situations? I assume perhaps you ask him to do something and then things get dicey? What does he say and then how do you react?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Well this morning for example he had a few time problems to solve. Something my husband has been explaining to him for a good few weeks now. He pretended not to know them, wasted his time and got it all wrong. It went onto such an extent that I took him to school 45 minutes late just to prove a point that he was in fact play acting and he would not be going to school unless he got them all right. And guess what when he knew there was no way out and he was cornered he did exactly that and got 90% of them right with absolutely no help from me. My husband left to work and I took him in late to school!
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 3 years ago.
OK--and this time it didn't end up in a shouting match?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Of course the shouting match was before I told him that my last resort was going to be to keep him at home until he did those sums right. And of course when he got them right and I took him to school there was no shouting there. He had completely calmed down on that issue .
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 3 years ago.
OK--and we can continue after this if you need more from me. This isn't unlike the same problem parents have with teenagers. The most important thing to do is not to react--not to scold or yell or call names--keep completely calm and talk in a low measured, firm voice. If you can explain the consequences of his not following the rules and if it includes his not getting something important to him--not going to school on time, not getting something he might want, grounding him from playing with his friends--anything that he'd not want to lose--and, of course, not letting him get it unless he does follow the rules--that usually works here. No fighting, no obvious frustration on your part, just kind of "OK. Here's the message--either you do what I say our you'll regret it by not having what you'd like to have. Your decision, not mine--you're entirely responsible for how things go here." Making it his responsibility as to how his life goes will make him stand up and be responsible.
Dr. Chip, Board Certified Physician
Category: Medical
Satisfied Customers: 28687
Experience: 20 yrs. in practice, includinge surgery, general medicine, addiction medicine and pain.
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