I realised that I am trying to ask is there anything medically wrong with me or was is that I went to my gp too easily as soon as my husband had the stroke and got signed off work as a teacher yet I was not then ill really I just panicked about caring for son to get to school etc and visited husband every day in a bubble of what a happy little family we were then it was summer holidays and I focused on him coming over as the perfect family and then brought him home too soon instead I should have left him in the hospital and concentrated on going back to school I have missed a year in the real world and have spiralled into trouble with mental health social services re my child they claim emotional harm as he has witnessed events in the home etc Am I just stressed by the problems that I have caused myself and cant undo I have gone from being a professional happy woman with a family to now there being conferences about me saying emotionally unstable affecting my son etc I did not look after my husband well and feel that I hate him and the twenty years wasn't real. I have let myself go down in that my appearance s haggard and pale my clothes poor when mmy husband used to iron all my clothes so again is this lazy me or incapable me as now I should have done everything but didn't anad said I cant etc I used to be a great shopper now I sprint into a shop hoping not to be seen by anyone who knows me and now realises that I have failed my husband I cry when I see the real world and missed xmas by being taken to mental ward 2 weeks missed easter missed world cup because I cannot enjoy anything normal we we would have loved the world cup my son and husband mad football fans I feel alive but dead that I have spoilt the world for all of us. my husband currently living back with family as I said he could not come home this has brought me more social services concern as they monitor my child and parenting capacity I can talk to my husband and say I love u on the fone but I don't know what I mean he was meant to be the golf club captain but had his stroke a few weeks into the new year of golf which meant that all the golf club were very supportive visited him loads etc and I think I lived in that world instead of my job and child I work in another area and forgot that the world of my school existed.
So I look wrecked, have mental health support worker/psychiatrist and child under social services watch I cannot bear the pressure and the mistakes I have made I fone my parents literally every minute saying wish I could go back they are heartbroken as they did everything to help but my foning is being presented to social servicecs a sharrassment/abuse so more trouble.
I cannot function I live in fear of social services I cannot move forward people say make decisions move on separate from husband now live a life with son like many families have to but I cannot life was the three of uss we went out and about all the time were happy at home holidays etc and my husband amazxing with son had full time care from age 1 to 5 he 6 now and it appears that I have just messed every ones life up. This is such a disaster I know what is happening but I cant stop it. am I selfish stupid or have I had a breakdown/depression and if so psychiastrist last October said adjustment reaction but I have worsened not improved as I had mental health tean daily chat round issues of house food child but I have not improved anything and turned on my husband which was obviously the real issue that finally came out at xmas and I was taken away but in hospital you just sit there all day seeing ill people that I knew I wasn't and then they drug u at night not medication programme that has helped lifet me they chop and change.
I do not want sedation tablets but thought antidepressant would help but haven't which makes me as is this medical or something else is it that I had a good life it crashed when my husband did and I basically didn't adjust to picking up the house roles plus bringing him home taking over the whole house being fully disabled was too much for me plus he wears a hair piece and I had to get him a wig etc in hospital and this needs constant sorting he used to do all that in private his care included putting on a sheath at night incontinence many mornings wet sheets etc and I could not keep up with washing going to launderette because of this churned way I feel in side all the time. I found it hard to have clean clothes for him and to dress him yet is it not normal to iron and give fresh clothes every day \I say I never did that before he did so this is such a crazy but TRUE mix plus he was better at the care of our son as he was with him all the time and made him a bright and happy boy now I feel responsible for destroying life.
I spend every minute saying if only I could go back to last year I would do this all differently taken hospital advice not brought him home etc and I certainly would not have got social services involved with my child.
Am I with a medical issue or is it my own stupidity I cannot live with myself cannot be happy cannot see a future cannot see a way forward cannot accept that we might have to split up cannot make a new life for my son etc desperate to know wot I can do my mentaaal health worker just says I have to move on can only fone her twice a week as I not moving forward offer things like relaxation techniques but I do not need that I neeed to go back and start again. I want social services to go aay but they have power to monitor my son and its killing me and my mind every minute of the day I never wake up feeling ok there is just chaos I cannot get a stable routine going my husband is with his family who hate me now quite rightly yet I wont cope if he is back here how do you turn against someone just for having a stroke. Please take this as aserious equest for advice and help
I was on sertraline since about the October then the psych gave larazapan for a couple of weeks and the quepietine then I had varios I think in hospital then I have had sertraline 100mg reduced to 50mg then gp gave quepietine if I was very anxious but I didn't take just sertraline now psych ten days ago gave duloxetine 60mg but I don't know whether to stay on it they run out two days all they seem to do is make me tired sweatybut I sleep. wake uo currently soaked sweat I also think eyesight fuzzy. I just feel constantly churned inside I feel like a criminal hiding my secrets I feel a nothing person failed person failed mother failed wife yet I cannot describe any feelings of love for anyone my parents have been devastated for example but I just sent them angry telephone messages I am so angry with myself for the mistakes I am so angry that I have not given my child the life he wasmeant to have he was so happy he loves his daddy didn't see an age 70 father (64) me 41 when we had him he didn't even see him as changed with stroke buthas seen me show hate and anger that our life has been ruined because of the stroke lots of people have worse and deal with it how have I let it totally destroy our life and I feel worse is yet to come I may lose job house child to social services which I cannot bear to think about although they want me to succeed they too are baffled as to why a supposedly mature woman cannot cope was I just a spoilt attention seeking teenager type as one social worker described me. I didn't see it like that but I did brag to colleagues whilst I have jimmy alive and kicking I can cope with life and then this has happened and it looks like my words have come back to haunt me that I cannot cope in this world without all that he did and yet I cannot do anything back for him now I should have been able to care but why cant I find that devoted love that patners find also people say if you weren't happy why stay for wenty years with him but I know what I mean that he made life work I had 'run' away from my family which took years to repair but had gone full circle especially when my son came along but yet now on my own I cannot make a life for me and my son, my husband is a real lively character that was magical as a teacher had varied career merchant navy zookeeper etc but I hated it when he retold the same stories which othehr people loved what is my problem yey we portrayed a life of perfection which it was when the three of us were together and I thought we had a real life if he had not had the stroke things would have gone on we would have lived busy happy encouraged our son visited family been at the golf club I would have been fine at school etc now one big big mess that I cannot get out of should I have done better as I have had so much kind support yet somehow turned into a person that no one thought I was and particularly why cant I do better for my son. I live hiding behind closed dooord only go out wehen I have to and then it is a errifying experience.
initially psych in oct said adjustment reaction but then my behaviour towards my husband worsened like ongoing anger that he has destroyed our life and I wasn't caring for him just bluffing through the day cares would come to change him in morning and night and lunch yet I felt I was only giivnghim something like soup for lunch and I would be all anxious when careres in house chatting away happily to my husband who was recovering fairly well he had a lot of physio at hospital and at first I went with him then I couldn't bear to go so he was taken by ambulance etc I should have stayed in work and left him in hospital then I would collect son from school then wonder what I would make foor tea when previously that never bothered me we would eat out a lot takeaway or cooked a dinner but as I don't eat well mainly microwave meals for husband so I panicked that that wasn't good enough then I could not shop easily then meals became poorer and he needed to have a good diet to build him up so I felt I was not caring fro him then I would be wash up panicking careres in at seven then I had son to sort who previously had no bedtime then when carers around as we all in one living room daddy being washed seen to put to bed at seven pm it just a nothing existence carers nice people but come in wet shoes etc trample round house down stairs to bathroom upstairs downstairs to kitchen etc no privacy in house and son started chatting away so like a load of strangers invaded our life and I could not cope like 6 and 7 in the morning ihave felt uncomfortable all the time churning away yet should have been able to cope with the carers but it has destroyed our home as the little private place we prided with its view of the sea and golf course spectacular now I hate the golf course as I have closed my husband down to his friends at first people genuinely thought I had breakdown and were being supportive but nothing has changed and spo people realise I have been awful and taken away to the hos against my wishes for just being stupid throwing things around etc infront of family and I know I knew what I was doing so why did I do that people have said it was your cry for help you had just had enough body way of coping but I think that that is being too kind am I just awful. I wish I had had a breakdown that could be worked through and I would have come out the other side like other people I know who have been very unwell taken mental health help medication and have got through eg a friend diagnosed with bipolar and another friend who left her partner for another married man she broke had mental health help they remain a happy newly married couple these friend all wanted to help me but again are baffled when they realise it is about how I have treated my husband and my general lack of home skills or is there anything wrong
GP has given me notes for severe adjustment reactin but did I just go to the gp too easy to get off work in sept because he was home and I was working on his captains evening which he had to be carried out of the house to as we have lots of stairs and then he could not walk them now thanks mainly to me he can and lots of physio and now I resent him for making progress and everyone marvelling at how well he has done because I am in this sate - can you explain that hatred in me.
Generally I have found him vague if I say why has this happened he will say I don't know, I have tried to say about the twenty years he doesn't explore that he rites notes constantly and see him about once a month he focus on medicine he will ask me how I am he knows that I am completely stuck and cannot go forward he knows I make hundreds of fonecalls and said that my family right to ignore them even when I sometimes say things like I can't live want to die and they have reported these to clear their conscience but I just want them to know how desperate I feel re the mess I am in. Psych was more 'interested' last time and seemed pleasanter he apparently is very good but I have found him distant hwe asks quick questions like how do you feel towards your husband now are you angry etc I say I cant really describe feelings he was asking had I had other relationships did I end them but I have very little to reveal so whether any significance I don't know he says I may never find answeres to the questions I am asking and it is up to me to go forward but I cant change anything I know he observes mannerisms and prob thinks I very anxious but I know I am in a mess I don't know if I was open enough in earlier appointments that I wsnt looking after my husband well would that have sorted anything rather than it continue and leasdddd to an episode that tooke me to hospital and yet I know I need not have done that behaviour so why did I dio it telling family im acting I know what im doing plus blamingmy husband for everything why have I treated him not as a person that I have been with for twenty years when ultimately he did look after me it feels like aall pressures have surfaced andbeen let out and I cant see him as I did before I cannot feel normal like I did and with my son I cannot see usas mother and son who can make a life I can only see the life we had the three of us together yet I cant see my husband as the same when we are together I just go on about we would have been doing this wwe could have done that why did u have the stroke.
Psych doesn't seem to have a direction for me questions listens I don't know how to answer sometimes should I be completely truthful and then he prescribes nad gives another month appointment. They talk about relate then about counselling psychological but when I saw the chap and told him my story he was like out of my depth and I done think basic counselling depression techniques like go take a walk when you feel anxious etc
Another psych was along the lines of this like a major life trauma your reactions not condolable but understandable but no one understand when I say could the twenty years be a thing and I kept saying my cover on the world has been blown yet I didn't deliberately be in the relationship to be a bad or using person I believed my husband all along that he loved me and that it was right to be together although it went against what I believed like not living together with someone so really until we moved in I had not known how to be in a fulltime relationship. Psych
I don't know any difference same wake up sweating tired don't want to get up and then I have son to get up etc previously all I had to do in the morning was get up dressed for work clothes already ironed by husband then leave as husband then got up got son up dressed and to school I did not have any worry at all. so again is it that I never had to do all these things and now I find it hard no routine just panic in the morning when I get up I seem frantic and get on the fone to my parents leaving messages like why did this happen why cant I go back they cut fone off to answer machine so I leave more angry messagaes. I flap about to get my son organisedyet before his dad he would be so happy in the mornings in routine and off to work happily chatting and playing. I then have to bomb off to work I returned a few weeks ago but I feel absolutely awful every minute as the whole mess of home does not leave my head.
in work I know I was a good teacher have worked there 24 years but because I took mosy of this year off as things spiralledout of control I realise that the world has moved on school colleagues happy getting on developing the school and many have worked through ega friend with breast cancer had treatment came back asap for normality again I look like nothing compare to how I was am ashamed to speakl to my friends as they know th emistakes I have made and are shocked that I failed my husband and child as my husband worked there for 30 years and was amazing leader and big central personality again taking me back to the beginning was I afraid not to be with him we would go out for coffee I would say we cant be together etc we would not see each other and then I would see him happy in staffroom and ask him to go for coffee etc then I would be crying saying this shouldnot be happening yet I had feelings them I guess.
So regardless of medication I sleep but wake up feeling terrible with this anger and shame in me every minute then a big effort to get going. At the moment I am not really bathing I used to have many long soaks in the bath yet now as careres have been in and out of bathroom it doesn't seem home and I have bath equipment for husnabd in there a small bathroom and I just get into small bath and rush out so is this lazy or depressed when my hygiene was perfect I shower my hair but then I am also afraid in shops to get all the toiletrires etc I dash in to shop cry and get out we have a ground floor small I just don't see the house as a home any more I have a large mortgae left and will hit financial crisis soon yet again I talked about that months ago saying we had financial problems ut we would not hae had if I had stayed working plus I felt that my husband was not telling me all about his finances and this seemed another pressure that came out in me as soon as he was in hospital I went through his belongings to find out details ofloans etc why would I have felt the need to do this. wot a big mess I have created and we could have still had a good life if only I had left him in hospital longer and if I could still have kept the person that I was to the outside world does this make any sense I am desperate to get through but I don't seem to be abale to find any willpower and life nothing seems to wake me up to sort this lots of friends have come and spoken to me about cooking routines etc tiding the house but I just have not taken anything on board then I have no one to blamebut myself the stroke happemened ayear ago I should not have let it destroy me and my son social services I know how serious they are but I don't seem to be able to fught back as I cannot make a new life I want the three of us back as we were but it is my fault that they are involved at this serious level.
please explain the terms you have used skizoaffective and bi polar what would I say to the psych has made me think that this might be my diagnosis he is meant to be a top psych would I say browsed the interner or show him this?? I thought bi polar was manic depression I don't have highs and lows I have just changed since the stroke towards my husband and son in that the life we had has gone and I could have retrieved some of it I could have kept friends and family if only I ahd cared for my husband and stayed in the real world of work instead of going off work and thinking I should be a nurse I am so angry with myself for not staying in my job which was near to the hospital so I could have visited my husband on the way home. why have I changed completely toeards him I ca speak to him on the fone and say I love you but when I think of seeing him now an old frail eak man with a walking stick why do I hate him when he was active happy fit looking albeit hair disguised his age and although I knew a hair piece I had never seen him bald until hospital.