Correspondence so far:
17/08/2014 (Responce to Expert reply: Dr. Phil, MD
• Hello, thank you for responding to my 'question'. I haven't had much luck with any help or guidance so far.
─ Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ ─
• I would appreciate any help or advice I can get, anybody who can point me in the right direction. I have placed a deposit on my post and will gift to the person who can offer the best guidance.
─ Have you read my linked question? I'v recieved minimal responce to this post so far. I often find that proffesionals become overwhelmed and deem me too complex when they look into my past trauma history; which directly relates to my difficulties today.
In the past I have sought help, to try and help myself. My Gp makes referals, I am sent for assesments and bounced around between the Peter Hodgkinson centre @Lincoln Hospital and Archway centre. I have recieved minimal treatment (I have tried differant types of therapy and drugs - but no specific care or treatment or recognition has been given to help me deal with my childhood abuse specific traumas) I am told to return to my GP, my GP doctors have sometimes been insensitive and told me to 'move on' I feel like I inconveniance them and wasting thier time. My file runs through the system and I seem to be invisible now. I have been failed too many times to return and ask for help now. They do not take me seriously and I am left feeling helpless and hopeless.
─ I am an intelligent young women with many difficulties and I have adapted and coped by self medicating, I am ashamed of my lifestyle and my family (accept for my grandparents) Have disowned me.
I have few places to turn for help. Im scared to be alone by myself, I try and find logic and reason to help me overcome my demons but it does not stop my demons haunting me and hurting me. Reality and 'day dream' nightmares collide, sometimes it's difficult to know what is real and what is not because they are real to me. They are vivid and physical.
Currently, I have been using a chemical substance which I have sniffed all night to keep me awake and to keep those demons at bay. It stops the vivid halucinations and high anxiety and panic, it keeps me being 'me' and able to function. I dont abuse substances for pleasure, it's actually rather frightening and I know too well the damage it can cause. I have to adapt my use and I have been trapped in a vicious cycle of using one thing after an another. I would not be able to write this otherwise, my mind would switch and any trigger can alter my personality or mood/perception.. It is highly frustrating. It is very complex and deep rooted, as a child I used to self harm and visuals were more reasuring than frightening, I had a guardian who protected me but she left me 3 years ago after the criminal trial against my stepfather who was the main perpertrator between the ages of 6-14. He contiued to physically&emotionally abuse me and my brother untill the age of 17 when I left and became homeless. My mother was aware of the abuse and choose to side with her husband, she later testified against me to try and protect him. This was not so long ago, since 2011 (age18) I have been fighting for a contact order for my siblings, it was only this year that the case was concluded and I have been granted a full unsupervised contact order for both my younger sisters.
I am contemplating my future, I can nolonger hide or lie, I want to be the best role model for my sisters (I was mum to them when living with them, they are everything good and they keep me strong and drive me forward because I need to be around to protect them. I have done all that is possible n the last 4 years) Im at a dead end wall now and facing my demons again full on. The fierce protector in me is nolonger needed, I'm now useless. I won't say anymore for now, thank you for reading. I am a good person and I have a good heart, I dont have room for hate or grudges, I easily become vunerable and bad things keep happening. I cant trust anyone. I became close to my stepgrandfather last year, we were estranged previously, he became heavily involved with my life and made desisions with other family members about my life. I trusted him and accepted him as my 'grandfather'. Then 5 months ago, he offered to take me to my contact session with my sisters, they live nearly 300 miles away, I fund all costs involved with travel/acomadation exspenses and my aunt or uncle used to drive me there. Later though they disowned me because I admited to abusing substances. So, I was grateful that my step/ G'father was willing to take me this time. Although I found him quite controlling and he was very 'touchy' he had discussed with me in detail what had happened to me as a child, and I had asked multiple times if he could be mindful that I find physical contact very difficult. I excused his behaviour because he had lost his wife (my paternal grandma) a few years earlier, he often became upset, he said That I reminded him of her and I was very much like her and shared the same interests and 'grace'.
We went to devon togeather, he brought 3 bottles of wine which I was unaware of. After a full day spent with my sisters, we went for a meal and he ordered a bottle of wine (Though he knew I shouldnt drink alchohol, I become very vunerable) He filled my glass and encoureged me to drink so that I could 'relax' and enjoy my evening. He kept topping up my glass through the meal before I had chance to finish my drink. I quickly became very tipsy. We returned to the hotel and he brought with him the other bottles of wine which we drank in my room, when i tried to leave for a cigerate outside, he told me to smoke out of the window. I became heavily intoxicated and he took advantage of my vunerability and crossed the line. He sexually assualted me several times. I have since cut contact with him but he told my family that I 'came on to him' and they believed him, that I had got myself into a drunken stupour, and he was disgusted by my behaviour.
My maternal grandparents are the only family that have stood by me and supported me. I do not want to be victim or have these things happen to me, I do not ask for it. Throughout my life, people that are meant to protect, love and care for me have used my trust in them to abuse me. I am terrified that they will seek vengence or hurt me anymore, I am paranoid and can noloner leave my house, I can hardly leave my room, I have boarded my window as I am on the ground floor, I baracde my door so that nobody can just walk in. My closer friends think that I am crazy, people tell me that if I do not improve then I may be forced into being sectioned because 'I am not looking aftermyself'. I often live a double life, I put on a leanred and convincing mask and pretend to be something that I am not. Unfortunatly this wares me out quickly and I can't keep it up, I'm triggered and switched, I switch and run away, I go into hiding and iscolation and medicate. I am trapped in this lifetime cycle, I just want to be me. I want to stop having to explain myself to people who don't listen or truly care. I am forced to convince and tell them what they want to hear, and then I am accused and threatened and called a liar. I can not escape this, I am breaking, they say I am not 'getting better'. I am frightened that they will come and take me away soon because I will not bend and break and meet expectations. I try but they are unreal and unmeaning to me. i understand what is expected of me, I can only try but it kill me, if I bend to expectations and be what I am not, my mind will break, something dark and scary in me leashes out in desperation and self destruction, she will punish and destroy me, she is not me. But she blames me for hurting her and causing so much pain inside. She was just a little girl. Open pages, how can I better myself. I will be 22 on the 30th august. I get very anxious and frightened/paniced whenever my birthday nears. I have to take responsibility now, how do I overcome and take control of my mind without drugs, I do not want to be numbed and zombiefied, not again. Please.