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Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Doctor
Category: Medical
Satisfied Customers: 4635
Experience:  Doctor ( General Medicine)
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My Son's behaviour has left my wife feeling that she wants

Customer Question

My Son's behaviour has left my wife feeling that she wants to leave me as she doesn't want to continue living the live she has with me. She didn't actually leave me last but she has moved into the spare bedroom and slept away from me
My Son, who is 29, came round to my house this weekend and was abusive and broke a vase. I went to speak to him yesterday but my Wife thinks enough I enough and we shouldn't have anything to do with him again as this latest instance comes after a long line of bad behaviour, law breaking and thieving by my Son.
Rightly or wrongly I have given my Son a lot of financial help in the hope this would help him change but I have to admit this now looks like a mistake on my part as it hasn't changed him one bit. In fact it now looks like it was a big mistake on my part and now only is my Wife still feeling like she at best will share the house with me but will not have anything to do with my Son.
Could you please advice me on how I should deal with this and clearly I do not want to loose either my Wife or Son but if I have to choose then it will have to be my Wife as I still love her and want to be with her.
Thanks
Terry
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Medical
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 2 years ago.
Greetings.
Welcome to the site.
Well, i must admit that that you at the moment find yourself in an intricate and dilemma filled predicament where you for no fault of yours have to face strained relationship with your wife. I really empathize with you and i shall try to help you in helping yourself in getting out of this situation as soon as possible.
Now, as a doting father you have more than performed your duty by supporting your son financially and emotionally at various points of time in your life and for this you need to be acknowledged and applauded for being a considerate and generous Dad / parent, However this sort of unconditional help from your side has been perceived by your son as if he is entitled for such favors even when he himself shows no sense of responsibility, accountability and credibility as a mature adult. This stream of thought that has paved way into his mind is not only straining your relationship with your wife but also this has made your son dependent on you at an age where like all other adults he should be self reliant, independent and responsible for his actions and demeanor.
So i feel that you should not let your relationship with your wife suffer due to your son's irresponsible behavior since your wife seems to be making a lot of sense here and she and you should not suffer owing to someone else's actions. So it will be in the best of interest for your marriage as well as for your son's future that you take a firm stand against his inconsiderate ways and tell him to curb his wrongful demeanor and actions since they are hurting others or else you will be forced to ask him to stay away from your married life. In fact you can arrange for a certain help fund for your son if that is possible for you financially which he shall inherit only if he gets his act right and stops ruining life of you and your wife. I hope i the wake of this incentive he may actually try to give up his perpetual demeanor. But if this also fails then you will be left with no other choice but to cut him off from your marital life otherwise you will stand to loose your wife for no fault of yours or hers.
In other words, why should two people who love and care for each other suffer and become estranged due to the fault of a third person who seems to be too much self absorbed in his nefarious activities and shows total disregard for his father's humble suggestions and quite selfishly puts his wrongful lifestyle over and above the harmony and marital bliss of his loving father. I hope you can read the take home message here.
I wish you all the best.
Please kindly leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer.
Regards
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for the reply.

My Wife thinks that I can't change my ways with my Son as I have helped him so much in the past. She has already taken the decision that she doesn't want to see or speak to him so I suppose I will have to do the same if I want to save my marriage?

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 2 years ago.
Well, for you a prudent decision will be to convince your wife to stay with you and she may deal with your son in whatever way she feels is appropriate for her own self esteem and tranquility of mind. I feel that it is not the time to push her too much and so you shall just go about accepting her views and terms over this situation, more so when you know that she has seen enough and cannot take it any more.
I hope this makes sense.
I know this is a bitter pill to swallow but there are times when one needs to take tough decisions plus this predicament has been brought about by your son, so do not blame yourself or your wife for what happens next. If things can become better later with your wife the you can silently but firmly try to resurrect your son's life as well and then try to establish some sort of boundaries between the two of them which none of them should cross and simultaneously learn to co-exist in each other's presence. But this is for later consideration but for now your wife is talking sense and she is taking it very seriously, so save your marriage and do what is best for both of you.
Wish you all the best.
Please kindly leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer.
Regards
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

My Son has been in prison before and it seems he is now trying very hard to go back. Not only is his behaviour bad towards my Wife & myself but he totally lacks any respect for the law. I think he believes that at least in prison he doesn't have to cope with the problems ordinary life can bring? Again this is very awkward for my Wife as she didn't really cope the last time he was in prison.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I would really appreciate your comments on the following message I sent earlier

"My Son has been in prison before and it seems he is now trying very hard to go back. Not only is his behaviour bad towards my Wife & myself but he totally lacks any respect for the law. I think he believes that at least in prison he doesn't have to cope with the problems ordinary life can bring? Again this is very awkward for my Wife as she didn't really cope the last time he was in prison."

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 2 years ago.
Well, there is a good possibility that your son has in its personality traits of being socially hostile and isolated owing to this inner incapacity to adapt to the social mileu /environment and bear stressful situations which every day life throws at all of us every now and then. This personality type of his mimics what is described in psychology as Type A personality although he may not have all the characteristics of this personality type but he seems to be having some important traits which fit him in this category of personalty such as -- social mis-fit, temperamental and aggressive towards others specially when under duress or/and when challenged, generalized hostility towards one and all without any apparent reason, perpetual desire to be left alone, manipulative and exploitative to achieve his short term goals, poor coping skills, etc
So if feel that this characteristic traits of personality are similar to that of Type A personality person after reading my reply then you can consider getting him professionally assessed by a clinical psychologist and if this is confirmed then try to convince him to get started on therapy so as to deal with his personality issues.
I know the biggest hurdle will be to initiate this topic with him and to convince him to seek evaluation and therapy from a psychologist, but i feel that this can open new door towards his bright future provided you can get this done which will be a tall order considering his hostility to one and all.
Kindly see the link below for better understanding of Type A PERSONALITY ( Note : Please understand that one need not have all the traits but most of traits to be diagnosed with this type of personality).
http://stress.about.com/od/understandingstress/a/type_a_person.htm
I hope this makes sense.
Wish you all the best.
Please kindly leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer.
Regards
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

That makes alot of sense and does explain some of his actions.

One last point. My Wife feels that I've ignored her views and opinions with regards ***** ***** Son over the past few years. To be fair I think she's now been proven to be right in as much as the financial help I thought I was giving him has not changed him for the better.

Do you have any suggestions how I can make amends for this and try to convince her that it is her and our marriage that I now put first and foremost?

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 2 years ago.
Well, before you take on the endeavor of convincing her that you have your priorities objectively chalked out which certainly mean that you want the marriage and her to be the most important things in your life, you need to first accept the fact that it is a make or break situation right now which beckons strict action quite understandably over-ruling your sentiments as a father.
You see it will be easier for you to convince her to hang onto the marriage and also to express your emotions and depth of feelings that you harbor for her if you try to tell her that for a parent it is probably the most tough part to see his / her son suffer and lead a life of insignificance so the hurt and agony that you get when you see your son wasting his precious life like this is unspeakable. So up till now despite knowing that your son is taking undue advantage of your fatherly affection for him the father in you has been unable to make the right choices in life thinking that some day will come when the son will realize the righteous path to take and therefore you have been avoiding addressing this issue which for so long your wife has been talking about. But now when your marriage is at the brink of collapse you have come to realize that you cannot let yourself and your marriage suffer any more for the sake of your son and therefore after much deliberation and earnest introspection you have come to take this tough stance that you will genuinely want to work things out with your wife and listen to her and support her decided strategy to counter or deal with your son's irreverent and inconsiderate behavior.
Well if you try to say this much to your wife, i am quite hopeful that your wife will like to give you and the marriage one more chance, more so because she herself will not want to break away from you.
I hope this sums it up for you.
Wish you all the best.
Please kindly leave a Positive rating if you are satisfied with the answer.
Regards
Dr. Kaushik and 4 other Medical Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Sorry I need more advice.

My Son has to go to Court this week and asked me to pay for a new suite. My Wife found out about this and she challenged me I told her a lesser amount than the true amount.

Needless to say this has not helped the situation and when she asked me why I lied I said that it was because I was trying to avoid a bad reaction from her. To be honest I have found myself not being truthful to me with more and more mainly due to my Son and obviously this has really heart my Wife yet again and well as threatening our marriage with a break-up.

Could you please advise me what I should do?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Could you please response to my earlier request


Sorry I need more advice.



My Son has to go to Court this week and asked me to pay for a new suite. My Wife found out about this and she challenged me I told her a lesser amount than the true amount.



Needless to say this has not helped the situation and when she asked me why I lied I said that it was because I was trying to avoid a bad reaction from her. To be honest I have found myself not being truthful to me with more and more mainly due to my Son and obviously this has really heart my Wife yet again and well as threatening our marriage with a break-up.



Could you please advise me what I should do?



Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Would it be possible to receive a reply to my questions sent earlier today

Thanks

Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 2 years ago.
Greetings.
I really empathize with you since you are the one who is really suffering at the hands of your wife on one end and son on the other end, both of whom constantly trying to patronize you and drag you to their own side. You are the real victim here and i cannot stop myself from feeling empathy towards you. However, i feel that it probably an inherent habit of yours that you cannot say NO to people thinking that this may drive people away from you.
Basically i feel there is a sense of insecurity of being left all alone by your near and dear ones that looms large beneath your tough exterior and the same governs you to act submissively towards those who you really love. But unfortunately here despite your wife being logical at her end, still she lacks insight into your inner turmoil that you are going through of setting out things straight with your son who is a man now and has a mind of his own. Neither she nor your son understand the pain / agony that they unknowingly bring to your heart when they try to snatch you away from each other's hold. Both of them are somehow taking advantage of your insecure inner self and manipulating and coercing you using emotional tactics to soften you.
It is a shame that these are the two most important people in the world for you but owing to their own personal beliefs and mindset they are putting a lot of strain on a gentle soul like you.
I still validate the fact that your wife should be the one for whom you should try to establish or rather re-establish a fruitful relationship since she has been logical and sensible and has stood by you despite her dislike for your son, while your son seems to have lost his path and is wasting his precious life in obscurity.
Now coming to the recent incident, i agree that you should not have lied to her because it increases the risk of getting caught and being labelled as a liar if she somehow finds about the actual money that you have given your son. This will not only put more dent on your credibility but also add more stress to your complicated case. For her it is not about the amount that you gave to your son, but it is about her knowledge about the same and her inclusion in decision making before doing such an act.
Now, in order to put a cease fire to this flare up you got to own up your mistake and pledge to involve her in any such future decisions if you find yourself coerced by your son to make such a move. Tell her that while you are working hard to do the right thing with your son but at times like this one incident you somehow become emotionally weak and this vulnerability is efficiently used by your son to get his work done. Tell her politely that while you are at it with earnest intentions but getting tough on your son is something which is extremely emotional for you as a father since the fatherly love at times becomes too overwhelming to see logic and justification in your own actions.
Apologize to her and tell her that if faced with a similar situation in the future you will directly discuss it with her and actively involve her in the decision making. Apart from this you shall continue to toughen your stand against your son's unreasonable demands but this shall require some time so ask her for her patience and moral support.
I hope that if you do s much as i have mentioned and use similar language and course of action then the chances of getting back on track with your wife shall be high.
Wish you all the best.
Regards