erm yes id like to try.... i just want someones honest opinion about the truth.
cryn outbursts that i find hard to control in family situation. my anxiety keeps going up and down, i get paranoid from time time that im being watched, my anger at the moment im finding hard to control, ive had to go back(reluctantly) to the head docs to get medication to help me as i was gettin to the point where i was punchin doors head butting the fridge and i kicked a hole in a door. erm ive slept with 3 men in 4 weeks unprotected. i smoke weed everyday, i have a poor sleeping pattern i will go 2-3 days without sleep, i cant eat much, ive lost 3 stone since june(when i got out of hospital) i avoid making plans, im too anxious sometimes to leave my flat........ i know that this has been set off my the suicide of a close friend at the end of november.....so ha cant think of anything else except im really trying to change my behaviour towards other by not reacting on my first or 2nd etc thoughts i wait till ive calmed down before reacting to someone. these outburst are mainly in my flat where im alone...i am tryin please understand that
yes i fear being abandoned by my close family. i pushed them to the limit eg i smashed their house once and another set the bedroom on fire while i was in there(it was only little i put it out after phoning 999, but there was a 2nd fire i set at my flat which i went to jail then hospital for). rejection i see from everyone ie my mum and sis have made holiday plans and they didnt ask me: when i got home and allowed myself to react it took me an hour to calm myself down:- and my first reaction to something like this is "im gonna make u pay" so i know now i cant react on my first thought i have to start rationalising with myself and it can take a while to get to what i would say is a reasonable response.....also i see things as good or bad. to me these two things cannot be in the same person, i do "good" things but really i know im a horrible person
sorry i need to keep askin....i often im not sure why but i go into what i call my fantasy zone(nothin bout sex) there will be a scenario in my head that i will change a detail then play the scene out in my head, this happens mostly at night i can be in this zone for hours changing and playing through, sometimes at its worst it will creep into my daily life like in the middle of a conversation ill go to my zone unawares then im startin to play the scene and then i'll come back to the moment in the middle of a conversation im not fully following......it doesnt happen that often that intensely but ive never spoke about this and im not sure if this is just me daydreaming or something not quite right. sorry to be a pain.
just wanting to say thank you is all not sure how to pay