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Dr. Phil, MD
Dr. Phil, MD, Board Certified Physician
Category: Medical
Satisfied Customers: 54819
Experience:  GP in the United States
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, I would need some help. I was a in a very difficult relationship

Resolved Question:

Hi, I would need some help. I was a in a very difficult relationship with a guy for a year and a half. It was very difficult period for me but also he was not treating me nice in the first 6 months- including being rude with me many times and cheating. After 6 months he realised he loved me, but by that time I was not able to trust him anymore, and we continued an unhappy relationship. I was also hoping that it would get better, but after a year and a half I finally left him- he was really really sad. We left on good terms, we spent 2 beautiful weekend together. He had been texting me 3-4 times weekly after, sometimes flirting, so it was difficult to let him go, but I felt sorry for him and kept always answering his messages. Last year we met for a few weeks, I was working close to him, so we spent a lot of time together. He was sweet, caring and loving, so I fell for him again. Soon after I left he met a bunch of people, and his messages become less and more distant, I think he has met a girl as well. I felt devastated. I told him to stop talking. Since New Year we are talking sometimes again, and he is sending me pictures of how happy he is, and every time I hear that, it just makes me feel really sad and angry. I can not be happy for him and not sure why. I am angry that now he is in a better period of his life, and seems to become a nicer person as well, so he treats everybody nicer, probably his new girl as well. Everytime we talk I get rally depressed. I think it would be better to stop talking to him forever. Should I tell him that, should I also tell him the reason? Or just simply stop talking to him and stop answering him? If he is so happy with his life, why is it important for him to stay in touch? He said he doesn't want to restart the relationship, because he knows how much he hurt me, and he is afraid it might happen again, and he would not be able to cope with it again. I still deeply love him, but would be afraid to have him back, as I was depressed when I was with him. I just want to be happy again.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Medical
Expert:  Dr. Phil, MD replied 2 years ago.
Dr. Phil, MD :

hi

Dr. Phil, MD :

please enter chat

Dr. Phil, MD :

standing by

Customer:

Hi, I am here.

Dr. Phil, MD :

HI there

Dr. Phil, MD :

I'm Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil, MD :

Can I ask your first name?

Customer:

Yes, It isElisabeth.

Dr. Phil, MD :

Hi Elisabeth

Dr. Phil, MD :

nice to meet you

Dr. Phil, MD :

I'm reading your post

Customer:

Nice to meet you. I tried to be short with the story, although as always it would be very long if I went into more details.

Dr. Phil, MD :

Okay

Dr. Phil, MD :

I think you need to have him out of your life and be honest with him

Dr. Phil, MD :

It is almost like a symbolic moving on

Customer:

Why do you think he is trying to keep in touch with me?

Dr. Phil, MD :

Many guys are like that

Dr. Phil, MD :

they like to keep women on the side as a backup

Dr. Phil, MD :

in case things fall apart

Dr. Phil, MD :

in their current relationship

Dr. Phil, MD :

it makes him feel good knowing that he has several women he can contact at any time

Customer:

I don't know if he is in a relationship. I just guessed.

Dr. Phil, MD :

you are probably correct

Customer:

So you think there is nothing to do that he might still have feelings for me.

Dr. Phil, MD :

I think he might but it doesn't matter. It won't work out

Dr. Phil, MD :

foundation of any relationship is trust

Dr. Phil, MD :

there is no trust between you two

Customer:

Because of trust. Yes, when I told him I can not trust him he was really shocked, and he was crying for making those mistakes. But that when he realised it would never work. And me as well.

Dr. Phil, MD :

Yes, see I am correct.

Dr. Phil, MD :

it will never work

Dr. Phil, MD :

there is no trust

Customer:

So do you think it will be easier to forget him if I stop talking to him? I am so afraid to talk to him, and I don't really know why. He has been all alone for more than a year after I left him, I mean, no friends, no people around him because of his work schedule. I felt sorry for him. He was the only person I really loved, and I am afraid it won't happen again. Is everybody like that?

Dr. Phil, MD :

Yes, everybody is like that Elisabeth.

Dr. Phil, MD :

you will find someone else.

Dr. Phil, MD :

you have to be honest and tell him that you are moving on.

Dr. Phil, MD :

keep in mind that he will try to get you back when you leave but you have to be strong

Customer:

The reason why I was afraid to stop talking to him, because I had another relationship before him, and we stopped talking straight after break up, and I felt it was even worse.

Dr. Phil, MD :

I see

Customer:

Should I tell him how I felt after we spent again a few weeks together? It was mainly he who started to be very affectionate.. he wanted to go for a holiday with me for a week, but I said no.

Dr. Phil, MD :

yes you should be 100% honest

Dr. Phil, MD :

let everything out

Dr. Phil, MD :

but you have to be sure to move on

Dr. Phil, MD :

and tell him that you want to move on

Customer:

Now, every time we talk and he tells me how happy he is, I feel really sad. Like now, we talked yesterday as well, he is sending me pictures.

Customer:

So that would be the best for me.

Dr. Phil, MD :

You simply have to be honest and tell him how much that hurts you

Dr. Phil, MD :

and yes that would be the best

Customer:

God, it is very difficult.

Dr. Phil, MD :

yes it is but you need to move on

Dr. Phil, MD :

the longer you stay talking to him the more it will hold you back

Dr. Phil, MD :

there is another guy out there for you waiting

Dr. Phil, MD :

that you will never find while you are talking to him

Customer:

I understand. I hope the feelings will go away at some point. So you say it is better to tell him how I feel, instead of just simply disappear?

Dr. Phil, MD :

yes I do

Dr. Phil, MD :

that way both you and he has closure

Customer:

Trust never comes back I guess then..

Dr. Phil, MD :

nope

Dr. Phil, MD :

not trust that involves cheating

Customer:

Not just cheating.. he kept telling me is obsessed with women.. in the first time. After he realised he loved me, he was really nice and caring. I know I have to let him go from my life. I will take your advise and will write down everything for him. Problem is we only talk on chat now, maybe and email would be better?

Dr. Phil, MD :

email would be fine

Customer:

Does it mean I should never to talk to him in my life again? I can't even believe that he was planning to visit me in the summer in my hometown. I feel like it is difficult for him to let me go as well. Or I just want to believe, so it doesn't hurt as much.

Dr. Phil, MD :

I would put him out of your life.

Dr. Phil, MD :

He is the typical man that is obsessed with women. I hate to tell you this but you are probably not the only girl that he does this with

Dr. Phil, MD :

he probably has several

Customer:

You mean to keep in touch? He is strange guy. He does like women, he is spanish, so he can't help it either. But at the same time he was completely lost in life, no self-confidence, no trusting in people. He thinks about himself that he is a bad person. He didn't want to believe for 2 months that I really liked him. He completely judges man who cheats on their wife, and he would like to have true love in his life.. but at the same time is is afraid he won't be able to be loyal He told me that.. I was really angry of myself for so long that I stayed in this relationship, despite all of that. But I do get your point. I also feel like it would be better for me to get him out of my life, I am just simply scared of it.

Dr. Phil, MD :

you know what you have to do Elisabeth

Customer:

Yes. Move on.

Dr. Phil, MD :

yes

Customer:

Thank you for your help.

Dr. Phil, MD :

you're welcome

Dr. Phil, MD :

Did I do good work for you?

Customer:

Yes, I am just really sad.

Dr. Phil, MD :

I know. I'm sorry. :(

Customer:

Because I never loved anybody like him before. For me letting him go is as difficult when my Grandmother died.

Dr. Phil, MD :

I'm sorry Elisabeth.

Customer:

I gave him everything I had, I tried to help him, but it is just so painful to listen to him how happy he is. I hope that doesn't mean I am a selfish person. But I want to be happy again.

Dr. Phil, MD :

You are not selfish

Dr. Phil, MD :

you just need to move on. you did nothing wrong

Dr. Phil, MD :

okay Elisabeth.

Dr. Phil, MD :

?

Dr. Phil, MD :

would you mind providing me a positive rating for my time with you? I greatly appreciate it

Customer:

Ok.

Dr. Phil, MD :

Thank you. I appreciate it

Dr. Phil, MD, Board Certified Physician
Category: Medical
Satisfied Customers: 54819
Experience: GP in the United States
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