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Dr. Chip
Dr. Chip, Board Certified Physician
Category: Medical
Satisfied Customers: 31250
Experience:  20 yrs. in practice, includinge surgery, general medicine, addiction medicine and pain.
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My fiancee doesn't seem to desire me. At the start of our relationship

Resolved Question:

My fiancee doesn't seem to desire me. At the start of our relationship sex was frequent but it died down within a month or so. Whilst I understand some of this is natural, I find the lack of sex devastating. I have tried to communicate with about this with him many times, most of the time he gets defensive, sometimes he takes things on board to try and make an effort but it never lasts. We have had sex less than once a month in the last 6 months. He sometimes is unable to reach orgasm and stops, this is very upsetting to me. I feel totally rejected and upset, even if it is not a priority to him I feel he should make it one because he knows how important it is to me. Surely relationships need compromise? I am not expecting every day but more than every few weeks would be nice. I got upset at him 'stopping' midway through at the weekend, he could see I was upset and just said " I had too much to drink" (which was not true, he still wanted oral sec, he just didn't want to have intercourse with me). This has now lead to a massive argument and he is completely stonewalling me and is furious. I don't feel I can live a life without sex, it seems so low on his priorities to think about my needs. He was promiscuous as a single man and I wonder if sec in relationships just turns him off. He has had two live in partners including me and this has been and issue with both. Is there anything I can do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Medical
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 2 years ago.

Hi.

First question here--putting aside the sex question for a moment, how is the relationship going otherwise?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello, well in general ok, we are both busy we do stressful jobs and have postgrad uni work. We have had very stressful periods at the start of our relationship (we found out a fling my partner had before we met had resulted in a pregnancy, it was a very difficult time but is resolved to the extent it can be). When we have had periods of arguing in the past I've felt he withold sex as a form of punishment in ways. The relationship has been fine recently, we are planning our wedding. I pick up on the fact that when he is happy he has a good sense of humour, has plenty energy for the gym every night, all his hobbies but that this slips off his priority list. He doesn't seem to care. His withholding of sex makes me feel resentful and in turn makes me withold affection.
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 2 years ago.
I understand Jasmine. Do you think he'd be receptive to the two of you getting relationship counseling--both together and individually?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
No I don't think so, I mentioned this but he said no. He likes to think all the issues are 'my problem' bacause I am unstable. Or so he says! He also says any conflict puts him off but I know his previously relationship was very low conflict with a very attractive girl who demanded nothing of him, and this was an issue so I don't really believe that. Seems like excuses.
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 2 years ago.
Would you be receptive to seeing a therapist?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yes, I have seen a therapist in the past. I didn't really see how it helped him communicate though. Surely two people need to be willing to make a change?
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 2 years ago.

I fully agree but the only way I can see to resolve the problem is for him to admit his part in it and he seems unable or unwilling to do that. Unless he does that, talking about it between yourselves just won't make any difference since he'll always say the fault is entirely yours, and that simply just isn't true.

Seeing a therapist again might help you more effectively communicate with him but other than that there really isn't anything more your can do here except, perhaps give him the ultimatum that either he seeks therapy or the relationship is over.

Let me know if we need to discuss this further Jasmine

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