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DrRussMD
DrRussMD, Board Certified MD
Category: Medical
Satisfied Customers: 64338
Experience:  Board certified Internal medicine and Integrative medicine. Many years of experience all areas.
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I have been on and off dating a girl since October 2015, we

Customer Question

I have been on and off dating a girl since October 2015, we have been through some traumatic events, however we have remained together.
Unfortunately she has had two relationships behind my back and at the moment is deciding who she wants to be with, but has been lying to us both for many months.
I am unsure how to act, I love her but whatever I do doesn't seem to work and I cannot make her my girlfriend. She is approachable to talk about this and get angry, or when we do talk, or make any progress, it never materialises.
At the moment she sees me during the day and him in the evening, we are not sexual active
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Medical
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She clearly loves me but has feelings for this other person, she has lied about the depth of their relationship from July 15 - Oct 15 Since Oct I have been asking her to make a choice and commit, several times she said she has committed and I have found her with him or seeing him still, we have spoken (myself and the other man) and he has said the same thing... I never really know what she is doing, she tends to Project her insecurities on to me a lot, she is active on social media and is positioning herself to meet other people. She has said she wants time alone but still contacts me, she was sick last night and came to mine house early in the morning we argued she wanted to leave we made up she then went home in the morning and came back for the afternoon, but i do not see her in the evenings now, she does not want me talking to the other man anymore and has made very nasty threats but i know this is to scare me off as she must still be up to something. It is my birthday in 3 weeks and she said she won't know until after she returns from holiday which falls on the day of my birthday, its hard going day to day and what to do and say and how to act i have tried to leave give her ultimatums but cannot stick to them so they do not mean anything to her anymore in a way i think she must disrespect me, she actually months ago told me to see a counsellor for paranoia came with when she was actually having an affair of sorts, she has done a lot wrong but still love her and want to be with her, what can i do at the moment sharing her feels horrible
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
To explain, this time last year we went through a rocky patch, she met someone else and i didn't know until May, that didn't end until around August... When at which point she had met the other chap on holiday, which I also didn't at the time know about... We had broke up this time last year so it was different but she has told some major lies to contain the fact she has been seeing me and this other chap resulting in loosing many friends, she is stressed and currently off work and luckily has a holiday coming up with a girl friend for week at which point she should be clearer in her head.my concern with waiting is she is still seeing us both lying to us both about the level of contact she has with the other person and i fear is sleeping with him most evenings, i see her only a free hours a day, but we are often in contact on messages,but then she must be with this other chap, it is very hard to trust her but i love her and i know if she committed this would end but she just never seems to do it, i have been waiting this time round, for 4 months now......
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Also, last week the girl committed to me and said she would not see or talk to the other guy again, i spent many hundreds of pounds on a valentines weekend, which it turns out we couldn't go on as she was caught out seeing him, when she was prepared to go so i presume she was morally ok with that which i find hard to believe... she bought be round roses on valentines day and chocolate and spent just 2 hours here with her friend before leaving... i only see her once a day at the moment and its all very strange, i love her and i want her butHow can I get the girl... what is the best way to act now for me, but also to know if she chooses me its real. I asked about going public on Facebook etc and she said she would once she knew, but she has been saying this for months and the whole time we have been dating there has never been anything public mentioned for one reason and another, i wasn't a saint we had arguments mostly about her chronic and consistent daily sometimes hourly lying habit.....i stick around because i know when she is real or close to real she's great and we love each other she keeps coming back and doesn't want me to leave...
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
its like she loves me can't commit but can't let go.. and its making her ill let alone me
Expert:  DrRussMD replied 1 year ago.
Hello.sorry about your situation.Let's look at the fact.You want commitment, she does not.You are faithful, she is not.You are honest, she is not, and lies over and over again.She accuses you of having the problem, then she cheats on you.This is not a match and that is obvious. Your problem is in accepting this situation, which then continues to enable it. What you do: See a PhD clinical psychologist immediately who does serious marital /couples therapy and individual therapy. Start your self. You are the one stuck. She has no problem with the situation since you do whatever she wants. You DO have a problem with the situation since you keep doing what you don't want. Get help. Get clear. She can be invited to therapy at that point...that is, if, when you are clear, you still want here. OK, so that is an initial answer….Please use reply to expert if you have further questions. When you are ready, please click a positive rating [hopefully excellent]. If you forgot something, come back. I am here daily.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for the response.She is adamant that she wants to settle down but the actions say very different. My theory was to wait and see if by acting normally in an unusual situation may bring some normality in the end where she trusts me and my words when I ask her to commit.It's hard not to communicate because I don't want her to be with someone else.What could do in the short term to make this better without telling her as she will not act upon my words only actions or lack of words if that make sense
Expert:  DrRussMD replied 1 year ago.
HelloI see you in the inbox, but no response from you.Let me know if you have further questions.Please do not forget a positive rating.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for the response.She is adamant that she wants to settle down but the actions say very different. My theory was to wait and see if by acting normally in an unusual situation may bring some normality in the end where she trusts me and my words when I ask her to commit.It's hard not to communicate because I don't want her to be with someone else.What could do in the short term to make this better without telling her as she will not act upon my words only actions or lack of words if that make sense?
Expert:  DrRussMD replied 1 year ago.
HiI don't see a think that you can do other than I have said.You can not make her change.It is clearly not a problem with her trust for you, it appears more that she is simply using you to fit her purposes. please click a positive rating [hopefully excellent]. If you forgot something, come back. I am here daily.
Expert:  DrRussMD replied 1 year ago.
HiI do not do phone calls.I see a bot***** *****ne here.It is not a matter of her trusting you, clearly.It is that you can not trust her.I see nothing you can do other than what I have suggested.You can not change someone like this, only yourself.Please click a positive.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
So do you think the best thing I should do is state what I want to from our relationship and then leave the relationship for good and ask her to come back only if she actually wants the same as me and to be happy together and can prove it
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Then if by leaving I know she will contact me, because it's happened many times before. Do you think that i should tell her I love her snd say only come back if you really want me for true and she knows what that means she knows it well... Facebook relationship is a big thing because it's public and I've always been kept in the dark sometimes my fault though.I just want to get the girl ok I love her i can't loose her
Expert:  DrRussMD replied 1 year ago.
No I don't.The way you are putting it plays to the same dysfunctional dynamic that you started with.Why should she have to prove anything?Why do you think she won't just lie to you again?and how would she prove it anyway??I would tell her you don't want a non monogymous relationship, that you are going into therapy over this in order to extricate yourself from the current pattern, and that before she can be with you she will not only have to make that decision, but have a period of therapy with you, as needed.

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