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professional_Alison
professional_Alison, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 71
Experience:  Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
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Hi, I am in the middle of a very acrimonious divorce, my STBX

Customer Question

Hi, I am in the middle of a very acrimonious divorce, my STBX has alienated 3 of my 4 children against me. When we first separated they were all speaking to me and over the past 12 months (we have been separated now for just over 15 months) the 3 youngest, 17, 16 and 13 year olds are not speaking to me. Their mother has shown them all the legal paperwork which has not been pleasant, played the victim and taken them to houses which are run down dumps to tell the children this is all they can afford now.

Everytime I try and communicate with my STbX it makes matters worse, I am a calm and patient person however she has convinced the children of some outrageous lies, including that I physically and emotional abused them, which is farther from the truth, everything I have done has been for my children.

The last I saw my children was at Xmas day, it is my daughter birthday this weekend and I wanted to give her present, I told my STbX that I would like to give it to my daughter, she has come back saying she does not want to see me and post the gift.

I just do not know what to do anymore, I do not feel right allowing my children to openly receive gifts or money but on the other hand not want anything to do with me. It just does not seem right.

Any suggestions how to handle this, as it was the same reply I had from her at easter with their Easter eggs.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Patience replied 4 years ago.

Patience :

Hello- Thank you for sending your question to Just Answer. My name is XXXXX XXXXX i will be giving you some encouragements and suggestions of possibilities to pursue.

JACUSTOMER-pidzhzgb- : Hi
Patience :

Oh, hi

Patience :

So it sounds as thou this is a less than joyous divorce, shall we say.

JACUSTOMER-pidzhzgb- : Yes correct
Patience :

For children, the very best thing that can happen, is if their parents can communicate and work together for the sake of the family. Unfortunately, this is not always possible. It does not serem that you and your wife are currently able to be cordial with one another. This may change. Sometimes there just needs to be time and distance. In the meantime, you need to be making a relationship with your children. the good news is you do not have to totally go through your wife to do this. talk to your lawyer..

Patience :

Have you discussed visitation rights and all that?

JACUSTOMER-pidzhzgb- : Yes, in theory I am able to see the kids whenever I want, it's up to them as they are told old being 13, 16 and 17 to take matters to court, the issue is she has brainwashed them and I can't even get them to speak to me, I have tried texting and emailing them to meet for a coffee
Patience :

That is so unfortunate. Can you explain to me more what you mean when you say, "it's up to them as they are told old being 13, 16 and 17 to take matters to court?" Will there be a court provision that outlines visitation?

JACUSTOMER-pidzhzgb- : If they don't want to see me surely a court would not make them?
Patience :

But the court can give you an opportunity. You may want to use an opportunity to get family counseling.

Patience :

Have you tried any type of therapy?

JACUSTOMER-pidzhzgb- : That is a good idea, so I should speak to my lawyer
Patience :

Yes, father's often have more rights in a divorce situation than they think.

JACUSTOMER-pidzhzgb- : Sure does not feel like it. I have tried everything with this woman
Patience :

The trick is to focus on your kids and how to build a relationship with them away from the mother.

Patience :

They are, after all your children, too. And you will be expected to help pay for their up keep, right?

Patience :

Also, what did you say about counseling? Has that been a part of the picture?

Patience :

Are you having trouble staying connected? If so, I can switch this to a Q & A format.

Expert:  Patience replied 4 years ago.

So, what are you thinking should happen now and what questions do you have?