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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I (male) have been in a relationship for 9 yrs, and have 3

Customer Question

I (male) have been in a relationship for 9 yrs, and have 3 children, the mother left 'abondoned' the kids , moved 100 miles away 8 weeks ago, I got a prohibitive steps order so she couldnt snatch kids back... the kids phone her daily and she asked for 16hrs contact per fortnight (and I / judge agreed to this). They reside with me in the family home with minimal change to their routine. My dilema is this I am not the biological father of the 1st child, I was there from before birth , at birth and every day since. I am essentialy his dad. ( the bio father is dead ). She wants to tell him with immediate effect for her own reasons, again the judge agreed with me and ordered her not to tell him YET, told us off for not having told him already (has never been an issue til now ) we have been 'ordered' to mediate and through professional help tell him.
I feel a) it is the wrong time, on top of his mother walking out. I feel 6mths, maybe a year would be better
b) the mediation team tell me they are not qualified to assist in this matter.
c) cafcas say it is not an issue they can assist with either
what would a professional opinion be ?
thankyou J
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this devastating situation for your kids and in your personal life too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is a very serious situation because of the impact it has on all the children.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me what's this child age and which are the mother's reasons given to justify pushing telling the child now about you not being his biological father, and how the judge is now pushing for this to be revealed soon,and what time frame is he giving you??

Customer:

The child is 9 yrs old,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Thanks.

Customer:

I believe she thought if he was told , she would have 'care' as I was not the bio dad. then later getting the other 2 /

Customer:

she has no suitable accomodation ( even for overnight stays )

Customer:

The judge has not given timescale, court again in 3 months were the judge may direct us one way or another

Customer:

I know he needs to know , I think he will handle it , I just feel now or soon is the wrong time

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let me retype it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry . I have just replied a few lines to you but the chat is presenting problems and erased all my input.

Customer:

ok

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I was saying that every court and judge should follow the law, which stated that the top priority should always be the children's health, integrity and well-being before anything else....

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That their mother behaviors clearly shows retaliation against you when deciding to reveal such a sensitive information to the child-children, which will transform his personal life, and the lives of all them as siblings...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That it does not take much insight to see that these are not ideal nor even healthy conditions to reveal such a sensitive information to the children,and that pushing it would be not only neglectful, but harmful and abusive because of the impact it could create now, since they are specially vulnerable because of their mother abandonment and now obvious manipulation.

Customer:

The judge stated clearly the siblings will NOT be seperated, I have no doubt the kids are better with me and it will remain so. The issue is the paternity

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I also said that everyday many parents willingly choose not to reveal real biological paternity to children because of similar reasons, and supported by professionals too, waiting for later in life to work on n with necessary support and positive conditions, then the court-judge should be much better informed about these basic circumstances and look for the correct professional expertise to provide sound judgment about the best way to support the children around this specific issue.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, and then there is no sound reason to justify disrupting the children's mental health and vulnerability with such revelation under present circumstances, that this is obvious not in the children's best interests right now, but clearly a way of retaliation by their mother against you to manipulate the situation, which should be confronted and not enabled.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Courts should have or assign their own clinical expert or look for a independent one who could implement a thorough assessment in order to issue a professional opinion about the best way to approach a situation like this...

Customer:

I know she loves the children , and has gone about things completly the wrong way , do have you an opinion as to the best way to tell him , and when (approx) I feel it would be best done by me. and at a suitable time believe I could, but I would say 6 mths a year at earliest.

Customer:

I am trying to be informed as best I can before a further court date. I guess I will have to be directed by the judge as there is no clear answer ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Her love needs to be healthier and wiser in order to set your children's well-being as the most important priority here and not anything else, even less a retaliatory behavior like this. I do think the news should only be provided with necessary professional psychological support once the legal turmoil end, once the children's get adjusted to their new lives after this disruption cause by their mother's abandonment, and I agree with you that it should not take less than 6 to 12 months to work on it, and by direct facilitation and support of a child's psychotherapist in order to prevent further disruption in the present and future if this child and of all your children.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

if the court does not assign a child's psychologist-psychotherapist to implement a god evaluation around this issue, then look for a competent local professional who could make a complete assessment about it and present that report to the court.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That would be the best way to support your position, not based on a subjective and selfish point of view, but on the children's bets interests, and for that only a professional expert, a child psychologist-psychotherapist or marriage an family therapist could provide such sound support-insight, the judge and the court needs to make a decision on this sensitive issue.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me if there is still anything unclear for you about it?

Customer:

As we have both agreed in court not to tell him, until agreed or directed , I will see what the judge recommends at our next date. I have done some homework on private child psycho locally already. Thankyou for your input. Justin

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and please look for local professional who could make this evaluation and issue an official report to present to the court about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye for now,

Rafael.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
No further assistance required
This is an update to email sent to me.
I went to court and got full residency and parental responsibility of all the children.
And have decided not to address the parental issue until he is older.
Thanks for the advice given tho
Justin

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