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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this sad and frustrating situation.
It's very concerning to know how a 12 year old could have left the way that she did, while she is still a minor and under your custody. A child this age should never have the authority nor power to do such a thing.
yes i agree but it was her weekend to go to her mothers when the argument happened so thats why she was able to leave as the mother was waiting out side
You are legally accountable for your child, and you are aware that with her mother she could not get adequate parenting and support, so anything you to allowing and enabling this present situation would not help her nor you at any level, but fuel more destructive conflict, dysfunction and negative consequences for her, for you and your relatiosnhip.
Thank you for clarifying,now it makes sense.
You have the authority and responsibility over her legal an physical custody right?
Here the number one priority should be about your daughter's well-being, and approaching this and any other issue with responsibility, and that means that you should not allow this situation to continue any longer but bring your daughter home, have a good dialogue with her and work on any issues you may have had.
Otherwise you would not only be undermining your relationship but sabotaging your rights to raise her, and for her to have good parenting, and a healthy environment where to develop and grow.
but in bringing her home is that not gonna damage our relationship as it stands she wont answer any of my messages
and there are a lot of outside influences
If what you want is to have your daughter's ego and her mother pleased and not annoyed with you, then sure, you would not do anything and please and spoil them without restrictions, and I believe that could be at the core of this incident, what would only damage your daughter and reinforce a codependent-destructive unhealthy relationship between you. On the other hand, if what you expect and set as a priority is your daughter's health and well-being, then you would set them as priorities even when it takes not getting her ego pleased by your assertive and responsible decisions and actions, since there is no way to truly raise and take good care of a child but through healthy and assertive affection and discipline, and not through spoiling, enabling her nor tolerating any for of unhealthy behaviors.
Obviously the easy way is to codependently tolerate and enable your daughter's ego and her mother too, that would promote a nice image of you, but the price you would afford is to directly lead your daughter into developing a distorted ad unhealthy personality, poor mental health as a child and then as an adult. She would feel pleased by you now, but she would not feel that way in the long run for sure, since the deficiencies and serious issues caused by poor parenting, affection and discipline are truly serious.
If a 12 year old does feel fine not answering a father's calls, messages, just leaving and refusing to come back like that, that could show how much work is needed around assertive parenting, since you being the parent raising her, should constitute the best person she should trust, respect and feel comfortable with, but her behavior does not show that, and that's why I believe you really need to work on improving your parenting and the way you build the relationship with your daughter, and that this crisis is a chance for you to become aware of that and start working on it, ideally with necessary professional support.
From parenting classes to individual and family counselling or psychotherapy for you and your daughter o work on your relationship and any issues affecting it, necessary proactive steps should be taken to work on it with responsibility and a proactive approach.
BUT IF THE OTHER PARENT IS ALLOWING HER TO DO AS SHE PLEASES SURLEY THATS THE PROBLEM
The more negative influences you have around her and you, the more assertive and consistent you should be to ensure you provide healthy parenting and support. Yes, if the other parent does not provide good parenting, that deeply undermines all your efforts and work, but since you are the one who has the legal and physical custody of her, and she spend most of the tie with you, you are the one who could and should continue to make your best in order to reduce the negative impact from the lack of good parenting from her mother; and obviously leaving her there would be the worst option taking into account the reality you just described.
Does it make sense?
You should always ensure and promote what is healthy safe, and constructive for your daughter's life, but if her mother is this neglectful and provides such a negative impact in her development and education, then I do not see how allowing and enabling the mother to have this power and control could help your daughter at all, nor your relationship with your daughter. Parents in your shoes appear as the bad guy in the child's mind, since you are the healthy one setting rules, limits, boundaries and discipline with affection, while the mother literally neglects all of that, that's why it is tough to be in your shoes...
Since the child would naturally prefer what pleases her ego more, less limits and discipline, less rules and responsibilities, and that's why a parent should exclusive be a source of real support for healthy education, learning, and development, but never the opposite, son when a mother does sabotage all your work, the last thing you really want to afford is allowing and enabling her even more.
I hope I am giving enough and clear emphasis to these core points.
thank you,i now have what is needed for her and will ensure that we get the support
You're very welcome. Please do so, since your daughter and you deserve and need it, a healthy, fulfilling and constrictive life and relationship.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
Let me suggest a couple of books that may help you too.
Parenting With Love And Logic http://www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Love-Logic-CLINE-FOSTER/dp/1617471771/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1394278547&sr=8-2&keywords=Parenting+With+Love+And+Logic
And there is another one:
Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child http://www.amazon.co.uk/Setting-Strong-Willed-Revised-Expanded-Edition/dp/0770436595/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1394278626&sr=8-1&keywords=Setting+Limits+with+Your+Strong-Willed+Child
Those are good ones.
You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/ , just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.
Thank you for your trust. Please take gentle care and consistent action.
Do you have any further questions that I may support you with?
NOT AT THE MOMENT
Good. Thank you for your trust and bye for now.