Recent Feedback
I have been seeing a man for about a year now. I am 48 years old and ended a 23-year marriage, 3 years ago. Just trying to keep my eyes open and beware of any red flags in future relationships. Over the weekend, I noticed my boyfriend was secretive about what he was doing on the internet. He has a fetish for women's underwear and it looked like he was either buying some or selling some. I think selling because I saw a business card (his name on it) in his bedroom. It bothers me that he is hiding this from me and not being honest. I feel like I need to confront him on this because when I asked him what he was doing he said nothing and moved the screen. So if he was buying I think he would have told me because I know about his fetish. Does this seem like something to confront him on or is it none of my business? And if he ends up to be selling, should it be a deal breaker 1) because of lack of honesty and/or 2) selling ladies underwear (is this weird)? It may seem so obivious to you but I had a husband who took all my confidence, was into porn, and dismissed all my feelings and opinions. So I second-guess how I feel about things all the time - not wanting to be too sensitive and not wanting to be too easy/nice. Any if I should confront him (ask him) what would be the best way. This man is wonderful in many ways and is very kind to me and has been very supportive.
Already Tried: nothing
I am sorry to hear of your struggles. Is this man in any treatment for his fetish? It sounds like it would be a good idea. I can see why your confidence is low...you have been with these two men who have some issues and you have been asked to comply and tolerate them. Not easy for you to do. It becomes a matter of what you want in any relationship. to be with someone free from fetishes or porn and have true mutuality? Confronting him may not be helpful as you know he has this fetish and unless he is getting treatment he will only become more secretive about it.My goal would be for you to get some support as well so you can delve into the reasons you aren't with men that can give you the mutuality you deserve.
I understand what you are saying and am seeing a counselor. But is the secretiveness worth mentioning to him to see if he is doing what I suspect. What is the main issue -sneakiness or underwear fetish or both? I guess I'm concerned I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I feel like all men have some kind of fetish.... I would have to explain to him why I am taking a step back and what would be the best reason or point to make to him?
I think you believe all men have a fetish because the last two in your life do. If the fetish is something that you feel does or can be a problem in your relationship whether it is because of the secretive nature or just that he has one, it is always important to address that openly. If you step back I would always advocate for the honest reason as to what it is and only you can decide that and know what it is for yourself. I am glad you are seeing a counselor so you can get support. As I mentioned above you deserve openness, mutuality and respect in any relationship. His issues do not need to become yours and if they begin impacting you and the relationship that is more information for you to have from and a starting place to look at how you feel.
But when does a person know that their feelings are valid or if she is just being sensitive of certain issues (because of a past history). This would help me in talking to him about this without backing down or being influenced by his beliefs.
I don't think you are being overly sensitive to it. your gut may be strong to red flags because you have had history before but your feelings are always valid. Trust your instincts. It would be easy to blame you for being too sensitive because of your past but that is not respectful or entirely accurate. Again you may see the red flags earlier because you of your past experience but that does not make your feelings about your current situation any less valid. Trust your feelings and your instincts.
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach.