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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hi there, I have a question about a guy Ive just been on

Customer Question

Hi there,
I have a question about a guy I've just been on holiday with.
While we were on holiday, we had some good times but also some bad.
He has hit me previously on holiday and said some very nasty things. This time, he threatened to kill me and put his hands around my throat.
When he let go (because I screamed so loud in the hotel) I told him he was a bully and he should go for Anger Management sessions. He suddenly changed and started hyper-ventilating and said I was "sending him into a nervous breakdown and that he felt like he was going to die." I found a herbal sleeping pill for him and hugged him and he eventually stopped hyper-ventilating.
There were two other occasions when the same pattern emerged .... He has problems with maintaining an erection and every time, the incident began with the same problem. He got me aroused to the point of "almost no return" and then suddenly stopped and told me I was being selfish. When I said I was upset and feeling bad, he lost his temper and threatend me with violence or actually hit me. Needless to say, i have become slower in becoming aroused and now he says i am inhibited.
Since we came back off holiday, he has written me emails claiming the incidents were all my fault and that I should admit they were my fault. I'm feeling he's using emotioal black-mail to get me to admit it was my fault in writing (so that I can't sue him for the abuse I suffered?)
I know this sounds strange, but I'm still hoping he will become like the charming person he was when we first met a year ago. This evening, I told him I will give him some space until he gets rid of his anger but I will still STAY faithful. He was furious at this and said I was being hurtful, threatening to be UN-faithful! This is the exact OPPOSITE of what I said.
Please advise me about what I should say and act with this guy. I still love him in spite of every thing :(
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

You are having a terrible time with this relationship. I wish I could give you a hopeful assessment, but I can't. I think that this man has some very serious personality disorders and will never be the man that he first pretended (yes pretended) to be when you met him. He seems to be a "malignant narcissist" who may be a grave threat to your safety and life.

Narcissists are the best liars and con-artists and can charm people into thinking they are the exact opposite of how they really are.

They also like to victimise and control others and then blame the others as if they, the narcissist, are actually the victim.

He also suffers from erectile dysfunction and as a result reacts with an extreme form of anxiety called panic disorder, which was what happened to him.

Let me show you the official diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder from the psychiatric manual DSM-IV:


Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder

(DSM IV - TR)

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

(4) requires excessive admiration

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

You would be best to get out of this relationship. He will do his best to hold you in. You are very vulnerable and that is why he has latched on to you.

He will only bring you unhappiness and misery.

If you would like to read a book on how to get out of such a relationship I recommend the following:

Product Details

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Randy Kreger

 

I know it says divorcing, but just think of separating. For your own safety you need to get out. He will not change, and one of these days he may hurt you very badly or strangle you when nobody can hear your screams.

 

I shall keep you in my prayers.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC



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