How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask Cher Your Own Question
Cher
Cher, Relationship Advisor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21494
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Confidante, Friend
1470369
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Cher is online now

i think my husband is controlling, we have been together for

Resolved Question:

i think my husband is controlling, we have been together for 10 yrs married for coming on 8yrs, we have no children together as we have both been previously married. to start with i thought it was sweet him phoning every day to see how i was, i dont work (disabled) but as time has gone by he phones three or four times a day, if he cant get a hold of me he phones my mum, my family to see where i am, even if i had told him i would be out for the day he still phones, if i dont hear my mobile he gives me a terrible telling off and that i should have my phone where i can here it.
we dont have a loving relationship, a peck on the cheek when he comes home, then he is in front of the computer, has his supper, shower then sits down and sleeps, he will make a cup of tea for me then off to bed around 10pm, no physical activity for over 4yrs now. he doesnt take me out for meals, or cinema, every saturday its him sleeping then bed. he has reduced me to tears on many occasions regarding money, he pays the bills, he hates debt and if a bill comes in take the phone bill, it was 48 pounds over with a strange number, he hit the roof and was like a bear with a sore head, it wasnt until after that i realised what had happened, i had phoned international directory for the hotel number where my niece was getting married, i had left a message for them.
my husband worked in the papermil and was a supervisor, he seems to think that he can talk to me like he would his work team. i think he is a control freak, a bully with physical problems he wont discuss. i asked him to see his GP that took two years, yet if he wants something it happens in an instant, like he spoke about a shed before i knew it he hadhis new shed ordered and then delivered all fitted out etc. i ask for something to be done in the house, it just doesnt happen. i am 56 years old he is coming on for 64 and i feel that my life is over, we dont have holidays as he has always something to save for, newer car, insurances, always something.
talking to him has done nothing, i dont like arguements i back off, i have been patient, faithfull to him, his answer to everything is to throw money at it, i dont want money i want to be loved, cuddled to be part of him. he seems more interested in his postcard collection, his geneology, i lost over 4 stone in weight it didnt make any difference to him, i could run around the house naked and it wouldnt make any difference to him. i did tell him that i needed plastic surgery to look like a computer then he would pay attention to me. i am at my wits end, considered divorce, have applied for housing, i have told him this but still nothing, he says he is working on it, well another four years of nothing is like a life sentence, no wonder i am depressed, and cry my self to sleep at night. i would love some advice, the GP suggested councelling but he refused he cant see what the problem is, HELP.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Shantal-Mod replied 4 years ago.
Hello,

I've been working hard to find a Professional to assist you with your question, but sometimes finding the right Professional can take a little longer than expected.

I wonder whether you're ok with continuing to wait for an answer. If you are, please let me know and I will continue my search. If not, feel free to let me know and I will cancel this question for you.

Thank you!

Shantal
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Yes I am willing to wait. I don't know who can help me, but I have tried talking to my husband and at long last he is going back to the doctor for help.

Regards
Suzanne
Expert:  Shantal-Mod replied 4 years ago.

Hello,

Thank you for your patience, we will continue to look for a Professional to assist you.

Thank you,

Shantal

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
My husband has no children, he worked in a papermill and was a supervisor, he talks to me as if I was one of the men he worked with. When he wants something it happens straight away, when I want something I have to wait. He always goes on about money, he earns good money he wants to change his car and it has to be this year, he will be 64 this year I asked him if it would be better to wait till next year , no it has to be now. We don't go out socialising, no cinema, no theatre, no pub, every Saturday is at home in front of the TV. He won't go to the pub, he doesn't drink either do I, but it would be nice to socialise there. Anything to do with money is kept under strict control, he pays the bills, so I get the impression that he owns me. You can't buy love, he is destroying our relationship and it will be beyond repair. Thank you in advance for any help
Expert:  Shantal-Mod replied 4 years ago.
Hello Suzanne,

I apologize as we have not yet been able to find a Professional to assist you. Do
you wish for me to continue to search for someone to assist you or would you
like for us to close your question at this time?

Thank you for your patience,

Shantal
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for trying, perhaps it is myself that needs the help. Thank you for trying anyway
Regards
Suzanne
Expert:  Shantal-Mod replied 4 years ago.

Hello Suzanne,

Please understand it is rare for us not to be able to find the right Professional to assist our customers. We can either return your good faith deposit to the original funding source, or we can keep your deposit on your account here for future questions.

Please let me know how you wish to proceed and again I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

I hope you will give JustAnswer a try again in the future,

Thank you,

Shantal

Expert:  Cher replied 4 years ago.
Hello Suzanne, and welcome back to Just Answer.

Shantal has referred your question to me and I will be happy to help.

Please allow me a short while to read over the details of your situation and then type and send you an answer. Your patience is appreciated!

Best regards,
Cher
Expert:  Cher replied 4 years ago.
Hi again, Suzanne.

I'm very sorry that you find yourself in this difficult situation. From your description, it sounds like your husband has always had this type of personality, but as he gets older, certain traits have increased and become more apparent. It certainly does sound as if he is a controlling person and has to have everything his way.

I'm glad that he has consented to go back to the doctor, as he might need medication to help him control his moods and keep him on a more even keel. It sounds like he is impulsive when he wants something, but holds the purse strings tight when it concerns you wanting/needing something. This is not an uncommon situation in many marriages, especially as we advance in age, and marriage counselling for the two of you would be advisable. However, since he refuses to go, you can go by yourself, initially, to speak to the therapist and get some workable ways to take back some control of your life.

If you tried talking to your husband and felt it did no good, perhaps try to talk to him, not about everything that's bothering you at one time, but about certain things he's doing, individually, at the time he does it. For example, while it's nice that he calls you during the day to see how you are, calling multiple times, as you've mentioned, and becoming agitated when he can't find you, is not only 'worry', but is definite controlling behavior. He's also bothering your mum or other family members and causing them to worry, if they don't know where you are and he calls them to try to find you. Even though you have the mobile with you, many people don't hear their ringer if they are in a crowded/noisy place, or they just hear the last ring, when it's too late and the caller has already hung up. Tell your husband that when you are out and you have told him you will be out, there's no need to call you multiple times, and if you find yourself in a problem, you promise to call HIM if you need his help or opinion. Tell him to 'expect' you not to answer the phone, if you're not able to, when you're out and/or if you can't hear the ringer. Unless you hang it around your neck, the phone will not be easily accessible to you; I'm assuming it's in your purse, where most women carry it.

You also might try using the same tactics on him. Call him at work 3-4 times a day just to say 'hi' and ask what he would like for dinner, or tell him you're in a specific store and thought perhaps he might like a (?)--whatever it is, and I'm sure he'll find this annoying. If he comments or yells about it, just say calmly, you call me just as many times a day and I just wanted to see how you were and ask you about that 'thing' (whatever).

I understand you missing a social life and you are still a vibrant woman who needs and deserves the socialization. Plan to go out without him, with a group of friends, to a pub or cinema, etc., if you've invited him and he says 'no'. He can't keep you chained to the house if HE doesn't feel like going out. You might have to start living 'different' lives, but living in the same home.

If the situation is that troubling and you are that unhappy (which it sounds like you are), then contemplating divorce is logical conclusion. Even though you would rather not (nobody would, but sometimes, in dire circumstances, we must do what we feel is best for ourselves, to preserve our quality of life), give it one last try with the doctor and a couples counsellor/therapist and see if he is able to change and improve his temperament with you. It's very difficult to change, especially later in life, but if you have told him outright, that his behavior and treatment of you is making you unhappy, he should want to take steps to make improvements.

Compromise is always a good tactic. If he agrees to go to the cinema with you, for example, tell him that next time you will rent a movie both of you will enjoy, to be watched at home on tv, which HE prefers.

He may be depressed and not want to socialize, but that is another thing to discuss with his doctor.

If things remain unbearable for you and nothing you have tried or will try (with professional help) has worked, then, I'm afraid you will have to start contemplating divorce and get some preliminary advice from an attorney. I know this is difficult to face, but you have to be selfish right now and think of your own happiness, if you are not deriving it from this marriage/relationship with your husband.

I hope that you will try some of the things you have not yet tried and things will improve for you as soon as possible.

My best thoughts are with you.

Please take a moment to Rate with Positive Feedback (Laughing), as that is the only way in which I am credited by the site for my time, work, and expertise. Thank you very much, I appreciate it!


Please let me know if you need any additional information or have any questions about the answer before rating, by clicking 'Reply', and I will be happy to continue our conversation.



To request me for future questions, simply type "For Cher" to begin your post and I will answer, asap.


Best regards,
Cher
Cher, Relationship Advisor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21494
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Confidante, Friend
Cher and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I have spoken to him about getting help, and counselling I have also been in touch with a solicitor who has told me that I would have grounds on his unreasonable behaviour. I am looking at all options for myself. When I first spoke to him regarding my name on a waiting list for house then about a divorce his first reaction was to see about our burial plot and headstone? He bought the buriel plot not long after we were together, this was to spend some of his redundancy money he recieved
I know that buriel plot would be the last thing on my mind if he announced he was leaving me.

Thank you for your help, it has given me lots to think about and get straightens out in my mind.

Thank you Cher for getting back to me.
Expert:  Cher replied 4 years ago.
Hi again Suzanne and you're most welcome.

I'm glad I could be of some help to you in this difficult situation, and you positive rating is appreciated.

I'm glad you've taken some steps to try to get your life back on track with or without your husband, like already speaking to a solicitor.

The mention of the burial plot was very strange, when you tried to discuss your future plans with him and mentioned divorce. He might have just been 'grasping at straws' because he was surpised and upset at what you said and just had no reasonable reply, so he said the first thing that came into his head and it was an inappropriate response.

There's a possibility that he may have a chemical imbalance which the right medication may help, but if he fights going to the dr. and a counsellor, it's not certain if he would even agree to taking medication.

Continue fighting the good fight for yourself and I wish you the best of luck and happiness for the future!

Best regards,
Cher