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Shantal-Mod
Shantal-Mod,
Category: Relationship
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meaningful friendships

Customer Question

Why is it that I can never make any meaningful friendships and relationships with people these days? I feel so lonely and empty all the time. None of my friends ever come to visit me, and I have to do all of the work to visit them if I ever want to see them. It's always exclusive meetings, where I don't get to meet anyone else. I feel in such despair all the time, as I seem to be controlled by everyone elses movements, and yet no one appreciates me and my life. I feel so low and cry myself to sleep sometimes. I have had arguments with friends about this, and end up falling out with people, yet why should I do all the travelling and work to keep the friendship alive? I don't want to have to be forced to continually make new friends, as I want friends that have known me from before, but theyr'e never prepared to make any effort.

Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Shantal-Mod replied 3 years ago.

Hello,

I've been working hard to find a Professional to assist you with your question, but sometimes finding the right Professional can take a little longer than expected.

I wonder whether you're ok with continuing to wait for an answer. If you are, please let me know and I will continue my search. If not, feel free to let me know and I will cancel this question for you.

Thank you!

Shantal

Expert:  Cher replied 3 years ago.
Hello, Customer and welcome back to Just Answer.

It will be my pleasure to try to help you with your question, but I need a little more information, first.

Do you know most of the friends you refer to from childhood, school, work, through other friends, etc.?

What is your approximate age? You don't have to say definitely, just 'I'm in my 20's, 30's, etc.'

Do you have any family nearby?

Do your friends live in close proximity to you?

Are you married or do you currently have a boyfriend?

Thanks for all your additional detail, which will enable me to send you the best answer.

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi,


I am 47 at the moment, and live in London. I lived in Bristol up until 5 years ago where most of my contacts are.


My family live 50 miles away, but they do not speak to me at all. We fell out years ago, over their favouritism towards my brother.


I have one school friend who lives about 5 miles away, but it's always me that visits.


Other friends are from work, or social contacts. I don't have many here in London. And the one's I had in Bristol all seem to have deserted me since I have come to London.


I am single, and never seem to establish any kind of relationship, which is very depressing for me as I had wanted to try to have some kind of family of my own.


I just get very frustrated and depressed about everything, but no one seems to understand at all.


 


 


 

Expert:  Cher replied 3 years ago.
Hi again, Customer and thanks for your reply with additional and helpful information.

Thanks for your patience, as I was offline when you responded.

It's a shame that you are not in contact with your family, but the situation you describe (favouritism of your brother) is not an uncommon one.

It seems that part of the situation is that you don't live close to your friends in Bristol anymore, since you moved to London and some people don't like to travel to see friends, so you can still keep up a friendship with them by phone and/or email.

If your old school friend lives 5 miles away, that's very close, and if you find yourself being the one to always visit, invite her/him to your home or to meet somewhere close by, for lunch, dinner, a drink, etc., and see what the result is. You can arrange to meet at someplace halfway in between both your homes, to do something enjoyable.

Many times, it's easier to meet new friends through people you already know, so if you have friends or acquaintances from work, suggest going somewhere to 'unwind' after work or on a weekend, and ask them to feel free to bring some of their friends, and this will increase the circle of people you know in London.

I completely understand your desire to meet someone, be in a relationship and have a family of your own. You might start looking at some online dating sites for people in your area who intrigue you. There are also choices, regarding what you are looking for and many of these sites offer 'friendship' as a choice, so you don't have to start dating immediately, but make some new friends and get to know different people who are in the same position as you are--old friends, not close by, busy with work, no time to really go out and meet new people. Sometimes, it's easier to get to know someone through emails, etc., and then, if you feel you have a lot in common, you can meet in person. However, I'm sure you are aware of the 'rules' when communicating online and/or meeting in person, with someone you don't really know: Always meet in a public place during a crowded part of the day and don't give out any personal information like where you live (actual address), work, financial information, or last name. Most people you can meet online are respectable, but there are always a few who are out to scam others, and those are the ones to watch out for.

At this point, feeling frustrated and depressed about your situation is not uncommon and it might be a good idea to see a counselor or therapist to talk everything out in person and unburden yourself. The counselor might even suggest a 'group' therapy session, where you will meet with people in similar situations to your own. You might even try to reconnect with your family, if this is something you would like to do. You can be honest and tell them that you always resented their favouritism toward your brother and you are part of the family too, and are not to be ignored. If you do not feel this would be right for you, leave things as they are, but at least think about it and consider it.

Putting yourself out there to meet new friends, by going to parks, museums and cafés, etc. will lift your spirits and if you are friendly and start making conversation with people,
this will increase your chances of making new friends.

I do hope that things will improve for you soon, and please let me know how you're progressing.

Please take a moment to Rate with Positive Feedback (

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PLEASE DO NOT RATE NEGATIVELY IF YOU HAVE ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS, CONCERNS, AND/OR NEED MORE INFORMATION; JUST CLICK "REPLY" TO LET ME KNOW HOW I CAN BE OF FURTHER ASSISTANCE. MANY THANKS!



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Best regards,
Cher
Expert:  Cher replied 3 years ago.
Hi again, Customer.

I had another idea to add to my initial answer.

If some of your old friends in Bristol are not single and have families with children, they might think it is easier for you, as a single person, to come visit them, since it is only one person you have to get ready (yourself) to travel, versus them possibly getting children organized to come and visit you. It's only a 2 hour trip, and if you go on a weekend and stay over, you don't have to do the round trip in one day. This is just one suggestion, to keep in touch with and see your friends in Bristol. My other suggestions, to meet new friends in London, since it's where you now live, are still good ones, if you find they can work for you.

Best regards,
Cher
Expert:  Shantal-Mod replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

There is an answer waiting for you from the Professional.

Thank you,

Shantal

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