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askcounselor
askcounselor, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 103
Experience:  I am a licensed clinical mental health therapist.
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Help me decide what to do? My BF has been dating online and

Customer Question

Help me decide what to do? My BF has been dating online and sending money!!
We have been together for 2 1/2 years, living together for 1 1/2 years. For the last 5 months he has been chatting to women online. One site is an adult one and he has had illicit pics sent to him and then he went on to describe what he would do to them!! He also went on another website and has sent money to 3 different women because he felt sorry for them!! He claims the reason for doing this was because he didn't feel that he was satisfying me properly and was looking for "inspiration" or to see if he could please anyone else!! my reaction was that he should have just talked to me and maybe we could have worked it out. I now feel totally betrayed expecially as I knew things weren't right between us and I tried to talk to him about it, but he kept denying there was a problem. He says that he is glad I found out and has closed all of the accounts and his email account and his skype account and he really wants to make things work, but I just feel so angry and sad that it has come to this. Im not sure if I can go on? should I stick it out or chuck him out?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  askcounselor replied 3 years ago.

askcounselor :

Hi and welcome to Just Answer, I am here to help you sort things out. Can you tell me a little bit more about your relationship, such as, had things gotten to be serious between the two of you?

Customer:

Yes, we have been living together for 1 1/2 years and as far as we were both concerned it was forever... The sex had started to get lazy but he has had a lot of worries on his mind with work and money but at no time had I told him I wasn't satisfied. It was only in the last month or so that I started to worry because we had stopped having sex and he didn't seem to reach out to me in the way he used to. I tried to talk to him on several occasions but he didn't seem to want to engage. He says now that he didn't know how to talk to me, but I told him that what he did was not really the answer. if he felt that he couldn't please me he should have spoken to me....

Customer:

Please answer me.....

Customer:

Look I answered your question and you are already asking me to rate you and yet I have had nothing from you......

Customer:

If I don't get an answer from you within the next 5 minutes, I would like my money back please!!

askcounselor :

I'm so sorry for the delay... I believe that there is a reason that your friend strayed from your side and perhaps intimacy is at the heart of your solution. Try to be 'available' to your boyfriend and maybe initiate romance with him. If he sees that you are the one desiring him, he recognize that you are truly who he wants to be with. Give it a try, and see how he responds.

Customer:

I did try all that, believe me....... He responded by looking at sex chat rooms

askcounselor :

Does he wish to continue the relationship with you?

Customer:

we even had a weekend away at Easter and I dressed up and made all the moves but nothing.....prior to that weekend he had just sent 3 women some money, which he could ill afford and I ended up having to pay half towards the hotel which was my birthday treat

Customer:

yes he does want to continue the relationship with me but I feel confused and upset by it all.

askcounselor :

I don't like to be the bearer of bad news, but I believe that you truly deserve someone who is 100% for YOU.

askcounselor :

Do you think so too (deep down)?

Customer:

He is so easily distracted by so many things...... tv, computer, work, everything seems to come before me and our relationship.

Customer:

Part of me just wants to end it, but he is so adamant that he doesn't want to lose me that I feel I should at least give him a chance to prove himself

Customer:

I only found this all out a week ago, so it is still very raw and fresh

askcounselor :

There are many distractions in today's busy, busy world, but just knowing that your partner is there for you and only you is key...he will have to commit to making some major changes if he wishes to stay with you...

Customer:

I know and I have told him that and he wants to try

askcounselor :

Can you elicit more of a commitment from him beside a verbal one?

Customer:

what do you mean

askcounselor :

Perhaps, an engagement if you feel that it is the right time?

Customer:

No that is not an option for either of us as we have both been married before. he is 54 and I am 49. Marriage is not necessary just an open commitment.

askcounselor :

Perhaps you can have him commit more deeply to you, such as being there only for each other. Would this be what you want?

askcounselor :

Sometimes a written commitment on paper to each other may work well.

askcounselor :

Please give a positive feedback to my answer since it is the way that I know I have my best to answer your question. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX wishes to you always.

Customer:

Yes, I do want his full commitment but not in each other's pockets. we need to also keep an element of independence but always be open and honest with each other, which is what I thought we were... but I was wrong. He is vowing to change and I think only time will tell.

Customer:

I will think about the the written commitment on paper though, that could be an idea.

Customer:

Thank you for your time, it helped to talk it through

askcounselor :

Great start to a better life together, I believe!

Customer:

Ok, thank you

askcounselor, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 103
Experience: I am a licensed clinical mental health therapist.
askcounselor and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  askcounselor replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your kind feedback. I am available to you if you need to contact me again.

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