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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Me and my boyfriend were together for two years and we broke

Customer Question

Me and my boyfriend were together for two years and we broke up 6 months ago.
Even till this day, i still THINK about him and he constantly pops up in my head but i try to tell myself that I'll be OK and that I'm better of now etc because that's the only thing i can do. I sort of believe it!
Our relationship was good, not the best. It's strange because he was a good/caring bf and loved me a lot, he was very consistent and always made an effort (that's why i got with him in the first place) When i first got with him i thought that i deserved someone better looking (I'm not shallow) but as time went on i didn't care as much.
I suppose that's what i miss. I feel like i lost someone good. He's definitely a good guy!
Problem is throughout our relationship i somewhat wasn't relaxed as i should of been and our communication and connection wasn't great. We didn't voice our opinions that much. I don't know if i was really in love or infatuated!
Their was hardly any trust on my part and I can't figure out why. I blame myself and that maybe i needed to grow up!
I did snoop through his emails(which i know is wrong) and saw inappropriate messages to another girl saying that he wanted to play with her and that they both liked each other etc which killed most of the trust.
At the start i stated to him that i don't like cheating and he probably thinks that talking inappropriately is not cheating, is it?
I also found out that when he was with his ex gf before me, that he cheated on her and was messaging other girls as well. Even though the last bit wasn't towards me i still felt like if he did it to her then he could do it to me. I always had this feeling that he liked talking to other girls on the internet.
I somewhat blame myself for snooping like that because when you look for trouble you find it!
From then i always had doubts at the back of my mind and was worried/paranoid whenever i wasn't with him.
Mostly when we were together it was good but when apart, cracks started to show and i was on edge.
I knew i couldn't really carry on feeling this way because it wasn't doing me any favors. I was so worried about him that i would neglect some things in my life. I think that brought on more resent.
I knew it wasn't healthy staying like this and i even wanted to lash out at him.
I stuck it out in the relationship because i thought it was all in my head and that it's just me which is mostly true right? I listened to my emotions.
He didn't exactly cheat on me and he didn't do anything since i found out about the messages to the girl which i asked him about but i just felt like i couldn't trust him, i don't know why!
I felt like i should of been able to trust him and i wanted to and to have this great relationship but it didn't work out that way. I worry that i won't find a consistent guy like that again!
From this day i feel guilty and i always think that i could of done more and the what if's and that maybe we should of got help but we couldn't of carried on the way it was going, even he knew that.
We wasn't bringing the best out of each other and I was becoming a wreck and i was angry/upset inside.
I know he's my ex now and it's too late but i just can't feel positive about much anymore. I'm indecisive.

Please help,
How do i get over him and stop this misery. Is it worth it..
Thanks
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You seem to be depressed in general, not just because of this breakup, but of possible other issues that are bringing you down..

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What do you think they are?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What else is making you sad?

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

Not quite sure, why what does it seem like? what do you think of my question

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I think that you were not right for each other and you should just move on.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I have a GREAT book to help you and it is also available on audio CD in the UK.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Here is the link:

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

How come you say that? Yeah i look back on it now that maybe it was just me but he was a good guy. It's hard to point out he's faults i think

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Can you get back with him?

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

Thanks. Do you answer my question in a message or is it through chat. I don't know how this works lol

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I am answering you now in a chat.

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

From what you have read. Do you think its worth it?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

No, it is too late. It's time to move on and hope to meet someone more compatible. Being a good guy is wonderful and essential, but it is not enough.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You were not good for one another.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He was consistent but that was not enough either.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Could you get back with him if you wanted to?

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

I just felt i couldn't trust him. Besides that incident with the girl i mentioned. It just wasn't rebuilt

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

why do i keep thinking about it? it's getting me down

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are having unwanted thoughts - a form of anxiety - and you can make it better with some counseling or with a good workbook, if you followed the exercises every day.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


It is dominating your life and that is bringing you down as well.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You need to get out more with friends and try to move forward with your life.

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

Would you mind taking the time to read this. Sorry if it's a bit long, I've posted this before.

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

Me and my boyfriend went on holiday a few months back and this girl on holiday was flirting with him and he was flirting back. We became friends with a group of people including her and her boyfriend whilst abroad. Me and my bf were not communicating well and you could tell that they took a shine to one another. She was quite obviously flirting with my boyfriend on front of me and her own bf.
I wasn't really getting along with him so i just turned a blind eye to it which i should of maybe said something. I just thought to myself that when i get home, we will end things and go our separate ways.
When we arrived home, there was quite a lot of distance between us and i wouldn't take his calls and then i said to him i think we are not working out and to end things but he quickly made me change my mind etc so i gave it another shot.
Then i noticed that my bf and this girl had added each other on facebook but i didnt think too much of it because i had people from holiday who added me and i added them including this girl so me and my boyfriend both had her on our face books.
Something in my gut was telling me something wasn't right and that maybe they were speaking to each other but obviously i had no evidence on whether they were speaking as friends or of an inappropriate nature.
Anyway fast forward a few months, i found the convo between them which it looked like he had deleted. They were talking a lot. They had said that they like each other and that they hope to see each other again, that he wanted to play with her and that she has sparkling eyes etc :/ I was livid! She lives in Manchester by the way and we live in London.
It's all very confusing and i don't know how but by the messages it looked like the girls boyfriend found out about it and messaged my boyfriend to tell him to stop messaging his girlfriend because he loves her. I think from then they started to message less but i did see a message saying that she was thinking of coming down to London for her anniversary with her bf and said to my bf that they could meet up << please explain this, what does it mean? i don't get it :s :s My bf said yeah let me know when your when!
I doubt i would of found out about this unless i saw these messages. I confronted him and he said nothing would of happened and he was really sorry crying/begging plus she lives far away.
I was so certain on ending things but i thought at the time that the good outweighed the bad and that he seems so loyal or am i mistaken.
It's all a bit much because it seems he really cares for me and always does what he says he will.
All of this happened within 6 months of us going out and the trust for him now is gone and I'm sort of worried on a daily basis.
I mentioned at the very start of our relationship that i don't like cheating etc but maybe he thinks sexting is not cheating. He says he didn't cheat!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Well, sexting is cheating and it is a preparation for real sexual relations.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You need to move on and stop holding on to this, and to this old letter.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Get rid of everything that belongs or pertains to him and move forward. Leave the past behind today.

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

I'm definitely trying to move forward and I've been doing more things and meeting up with friends regularly but these thoughts always enter my mind. What are they trying to tell me

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Here is a book to help you forget about the thoughts. They are not trying to tell you anything other than you are having trouble being here in the present and are stuck in the past which is gone, gone, gone.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


Please stop talking about him. It is over.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I will keep you in my prayers for the strength to forget about him and to stop talking about him from this moment forward.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Get the books and don't bring him back into your life anymore.

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

Ok thank you, Is the way im feeling normal?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Not NOW, and not tomorrow.

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

Is it not worth it?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Yes, it is normal from someone who has been hurt in a break up.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is not worth continuing to think or talk about this.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Burn up all your mementos and move FORWARD.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You will succeed but you must start now.

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

Ok but you are saying this because you believe it right

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Of course. I am a professional psychotherapist and only say what I believe to be correct.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I have seen many breakups and they all suffer and then move on, especially when they get a bit of encouragement to do so.

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

Ok thank you for your time and help. Is Just Answer based in America?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is based in America but there are therapists in various countries.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are very welcome.

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

Yes i sort of feel sometimes that i lost someone good but then again from sexting someone else, it must have his faults

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Think about tomorrow, not yesterday. :)

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Good night and thank you so much.

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

Good night, thanks

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

:)

JACUSTOMER-5mvd72tt- :

One question, do i sound depressed. I don't think i am

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Maybe just frustrated or a little down. Its part of getting over your loss. You will be fine.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Go into more dept with the answer

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