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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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We have slit up....is this the end or is there some hope?

Customer Question

We have slit up....is this the end or is there some hope?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you.

Can you tell me a bit more about what is going on?

Kate
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
My girlfriend finished with me yesterday morning,I'm at my wits end however the situation went like this...She is moving home and under lots of stress and I was going to help with the move this weekend,I got her various dust sheets,boxes and she came over to pick them up on the Wednesday night. We sat,kissed cuddled then she sprung on me the father of her 3 yr old daughter said he didn't want me seeing their child at the moment (he's only just found out about me 2 weeks ago) and then she started to say she'd been messing me around for ages and that her commitment level may not be as high as it should be.I had proposed to her 2 weeks ago and apparently this had scared her causing her to tell me about her commitment fears,her brother told me she was really stressed with the move also,however she took all the stuff I'd got went home and we had more kisses and cuddles before she'd left.
She texted to cancel me helping with the move and has arranged others to help,she then called to say it was over between us due to her commitment worries and the fact she was so stressed with the move,whilst trying to talk her out of that decision I asked if we could start again and she no,whilst the conversation went on she said that her head was really messed up and she needed to 'get out this place' meaning her house presumably,do I leave this alone for a week,let her move then contact her? Or do I just accept it is over?

Sorry posted the question twice for some reason.
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
Thanks for the additional information.

Just based on what your girlfriend told you, there still seems to be hope for the relationship. She gave you several reasons why the relationship (she feels) needs to end now. One is pressure from the father of her child. That kind of pressure can be more than just someone telling you that they don't like your boyfriend. Her ex has the power to try to take her child or to make her life difficult because he is unhappy with her life choices. As long as the child is there, he has a way to control the situation somewhat. She could counter this control by dealing with him another way, but it sounds like she is either too overwhelmed to deal with him now or she is too fearful to stand up to him.

The other issue is her move. Moving is very stressful and can be overwhelming. And if others are involved in her move, she might be fearful that they will see you and tell her ex.

At this point, it may be helpful to take a step back and let her work this part of her life out. Once she settles into her new home, you might want to try again. She is not going to cuddle with you and kiss you if she was really not interested in you anymore. A person that has no interest in someone anymore will move away emotionally and physically before breaking up.

Add her stress, the ex situation and her moving all together and you have a lot of outside influence affecting her decisions about your relationship. Once those things settle down, approaching her again to see where things stand would be ok. Go slowly, maybe starting with a text or two just as a friend to see how she is. Once you know her status, it will be easier to know how soon to take the next step.

Kate
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
You say they will move away emotionally and physically before a break-up,would an example of this be not replying to texts,or coming to see me on the nights she would normally see me as apparently the child's father had not been able to have her on these particular nights (strangely) I guess if you knew you were going to breakup with someone you wouldn't dream of kissing them or holding their hand?
Clutching at straws but I bought her some earrings and a really expensive ring,despite the fact the breakup was only yesterday is the fact she hasn't offered them back to me or any of the other gifts I bought her a good sign?
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
If she was not responding to texts or coming to see you on the nights she usually did, that could be for many reasons. It might have been her pulling away, though kissing you and cuddling with you would say she doesn't want to pull away. More likely that was about her ex finding out about you. If he just found out, he might have been trying to get her to break it off by putting stress on her, making her pull away.

If she keeps the gifts, it could mean she felt they meant a lot to her, it is difficult to tell. Hopefully, she wants them as a reminder of how she feels for you and that eventually, she will be able to see you again.

Kate
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Last one sorry,she hasn't deleted off her facebook friends list,surely you would do that wouldn't you?
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
No problem.

If she has not taken you off Facebook it probably means she still is interested. It is not clear how much influence her ex has over her but if she can keep the fact that you are on there from him and she still wants to be together, she could keep you on there for those reasons.

Kate
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
Can I help you any further?

Kate
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Is asking a close friend of hers advice on this a bad idea do you think? Or would it seem a touch creepy if I contacted someone I don't know?
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
If you do not know her friend, then yes, it would seem a little odd. But if you do know her friend you could ask, though the friend may not be able to help with the circumstances we already talked about (ex boyfriend influence, etc). But you may want to give this more time before you consider that step.

Kate


May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
I have not heard from you. I hope I answered your questions to your satisfaction. If so, please rate my service positively. I appreciate it!

Kate

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