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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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hi im in a relationship and my partner is extremely jealous

Customer Question

hi im in a relationship and my partner is extremely jealous of men around me i have been trying to reassure him that he is who i want but it is not working and it is getting me extremely down and i dont know who to turn to for advice. he switches everything on to me saying im flirting dressing inappropriatly constantly accuses me with everyone even my 19yr son friends. i dont know what to do please could u help me thank you
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I am sorry that you are suffering from this destructive emotion, and I understand that it is undermining your relationship, and will eventually destroy it if not checked and turned around.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Your partner believes that you are the perpetrator - acting inappropriately in order to attract men - and that he is the suffering victim. You are somehow deceiving him by doing bad things and then lying about them when you truthfully deny the truth of his concerns or delusions.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This may be just a case of a very insecure man, with low self-esteem, but it seems, more plausibly, that he suffers from Paranoid Personality Disorder. Here are the diagnostic criteria from the psychiatric manual, the DSM-IV:

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :



Diagnostic criteria for 301.0 Paranoid Personality Disorder

A. A pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

(1) suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
(2) is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
(3) is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her
(4) reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
(5) persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights
(6) perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
(7) has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner

B. Does not occur exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia, a Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features, or another Psychotic Disorder and is not due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :



If he is just a bit jealous then one (or both of these books will be helpful to you:

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Full Size Image

Jealousy: Why it Happens and How to Overcome It by Paul A. Hauck

and/or


Full Size Image

Enemies of the Heart by Stanley Andy

Very popular and highly rated (in USA); new to UK.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :




If he has Paranoid Personality Disorder he will probably not see it or own up to it, but there is a good workbook that can help. This will require a lot of work to help him.

Overcoming Paranoid & Suspicious Thoughts: A Self-help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques by Daniel Freeman Garety

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :



I strongly urge you, as a first step, to see a marriage and family (relationship) therapist to help with the mechanics and difficulties of your relationship. When (if) he sees that he has a problem, he may wish to seek individual help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This is could be a difficult problem to fix if it is not mere insecurity, and may get worse as time passes.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I am sorry that there is not a quick fix for this, but your best start is with a relationship counsellor and those books. If he will start to use the Garety workbook (above) this would be a great start to addressing his problem.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I shall keep you in my prayers for success.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

thank you for helping me as im beginning to think it is me as now he is deflecting it back to me and my issues. he says im rude dont think bout his feelings in any of this and not being sensitive enough to his problem. he knows he got a problem but he deals with it by me having to be more sensitive to his feelings. i know im being sensitive but he finds other things where i am not. he thinks i put my family before him and leaves him negeclected hes making me feel like im not good enough for him but i know deep down that is not true hes crushing me

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear friend

Thank you for getting back to me. Your additional information was important.

He is blaming you for his problems. He is not taking responsibility for his behaviour and words but blaming you instead.

If he is crushing you, you do have the option of leaving the relationship, and not letting yourself continue to be manipulated by a mentally unbalanced person.

You ARE wonderful to him, but he cannot see reality and so you will always be insufficient and never live up to his standards - and, you will always be under suspicion.

Hard as it seems, you may just be better off to ease out of this relationship, slowly or quickly. I do not see a bright future, although you can try the suggestions I gave you.

If I have been helpful to you, please let me know. Thank you so much.

I wish you peace and tranquility and a feeling of well-being in your life, and I shall keep you in my prayers towards that end.

Warm regards,

Elliott

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