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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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hi, when me and my girlfriend first got together, it took about

Customer Question

hi, when me and my girlfriend first got together, it took about 3 months for her to tell me she was still in another relationship with someone else, who at the time i thought was her ex. However seeing as she was spending all her time with me, and left him for me, i trusted her to be faithful to me from there on.

just over a year on, a very suspicious guy keeps trying to message her on phone/fb etc... and i happen to see one of the messages on the night the suspicious guy was in the same bar as us. He sent a message to my girlfriend saying 'have fun f**king your ex!' (apologies for the language)
so this is mind i had to confront my girlfriend, but she basically blew it off saying he's a nut job. Anyway i messaged him myself over Facebook, and he did tell me that they had slept together! so again i confronted my girlfriend, and after a very tearful conversation she pleaded innocent and that nothing of the sort had happened, and since i had never heard from the other guy, as he was not responding to any messages. So at the time it was his word against hers, so obviously i took hers.

This was a year ago, so tonight i get a message from the same guy, saying 'are you still with sophia?' and we ended up having a conversation about how she was also with him for around 2 months back in feb 2012, how they had in fact had sexual relations and basically my worth nightmare could be true.

So for me it's a matter of believing what my girlfriend tells me, we've been together for 3 years now, and it has kinda been a concern since the first time something like this happened, however it's always her word against theirs so i have to trust her.
But it is very heavily playing on my mind!

What would you recommend?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 3 years ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to assist you with your question.

Dr. L :

I can understand how difficult this is for you and how you are caught in the middle of two people who claim to be telling the truth. What seems especially hard here is that this issue of whether she cheated with this other person has been something you have had to deal with for a long time. Each time you confront her she tells you the same thing...I didn't do it. Yet each time you hear from him, he paints a very different picture.

Dr. L :

I understand your desire to listen to your girlfriend and to trust her first and foremost. You don

Dr. L :

't really know this guy...and so you have little reason to believe him. He may just be the sort of person who likes to cause problems in relationships.

Dr. L :

Yet...you are worried and concern and that worry and concern is a negative in your life and a negative between you and your girlfriend.

Dr. L :

What I hear you saying is that you need to know the truth as you don't want to be a fool for believing her when she's been lying, nor do you want to be a fool to challenge her because this guy might be lying.

Dr. L :

My recommendation is that you ask to meet with this guy so that you can have a face to face conversation about your girlfriend. By sitting across the table from him you are going to have a better chance to see and hear if he is telling the truth. I would tell your girlfriend what you are doing and invite her to be part of the meeting. If she has been telling the truth...she will want to confront him. If she begs you not to see him or makes excuses why she doesn't want to be part of the meeting...then it would seem she has something to hide.

Dr. L :

You need to put an end to this "he said, she said" situation so that you can make a decision whether to believe her or not.

Dr. L :

Your relationship with her cannot progress unless you trust her.

Dr. L :

I await your response.

JACUSTOMER-7qw17jke- :

I had attempted this, however from what he said, at the time she told him i was a stalker and he should completely ignore me. Again it throws a spanner in the works as he could well be causing problems and really none of this actually happened, and so i never got the opportunity to meet him as i could not find anyway to contact him to do so.

JACUSTOMER-7qw17jke- :

And now a year on we, really do live a fair distance from where he is

Dr. L :

Thanks for your response.

Dr. L :

From all you have said, you have tried very hard to believe what she is telling you and to ignore, or at least put aside, what he has said. However, you have doubts and those doubts are negatively impacting your relationship with her.

Dr. L :

You need to make a decision here. Here are some options:Either let this subject die off and rebuild your trust in her. Or

Dr. L :

try to find him so that you can have a face-to-face meeting. It doesn't matter that he lives a far distance from you. He can still have access to her by telephone, text, Facebook or other means.

Dr. L :

Of course, if you do not see this relationship as moving on to marriage and a family some day...maybe you can come to accept that she might not be 100% truthful but that it doesn't matter in the long run.

Dr. L :

Because you got a recent message from him...that indicates that you should be able to track him down to meet.

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