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I would like to assist you with your question.
I can understand how difficult this is for you and how you are caught in the middle of two people who claim to be telling the truth. What seems especially hard here is that this issue of whether she cheated with this other person has been something you have had to deal with for a long time. Each time you confront her she tells you the same thing...I didn't do it. Yet each time you hear from him, he paints a very different picture.
I understand your desire to listen to your girlfriend and to trust her first and foremost. You don
't really know this guy...and so you have little reason to believe him. He may just be the sort of person who likes to cause problems in relationships.
Yet...you are worried and concern and that worry and concern is a negative in your life and a negative between you and your girlfriend.
What I hear you saying is that you need to know the truth as you don't want to be a fool for believing her when she's been lying, nor do you want to be a fool to challenge her because this guy might be lying.
My recommendation is that you ask to meet with this guy so that you can have a face to face conversation about your girlfriend. By sitting across the table from him you are going to have a better chance to see and hear if he is telling the truth. I would tell your girlfriend what you are doing and invite her to be part of the meeting. If she has been telling the truth...she will want to confront him. If she begs you not to see him or makes excuses why she doesn't want to be part of the meeting...then it would seem she has something to hide.
You need to put an end to this "he said, she said" situation so that you can make a decision whether to believe her or not.
Your relationship with her cannot progress unless you trust her.
I await your response.
I had attempted this, however from what he said, at the time she told him i was a stalker and he should completely ignore me. Again it throws a spanner in the works as he could well be causing problems and really none of this actually happened, and so i never got the opportunity to meet him as i could not find anyway to contact him to do so.
And now a year on we, really do live a fair distance from where he is
Thanks for your response.
From all you have said, you have tried very hard to believe what she is telling you and to ignore, or at least put aside, what he has said. However, you have doubts and those doubts are negatively impacting your relationship with her.
You need to make a decision here. Here are some options:Either let this subject die off and rebuild your trust in her. Or
try to find him so that you can have a face-to-face meeting. It doesn't matter that he lives a far distance from you. He can still have access to her by telephone, text, Facebook or other means.
Of course, if you do not see this relationship as moving on to marriage and a family some day...maybe you can come to accept that she might not be 100% truthful but that it doesn't matter in the long run.
Because you got a recent message from him...that indicates that you should be able to track him down to meet.