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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5220
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Hi I hope someone can give me there view on below.Basically

Customer Question

Hi I hope someone can give me there view on below.
Basically I have been seeing my boyfriend about 5 years he is 6 years younger than me, we met at work, I had came out of long term relationship before and my ex had loans in joint names but went bankrupt, n left me in mess with money. My current bf said he wud help me out with loan of 3000 which I didn't wana take but eventually did, but he said he lent it me, after few months I missed payment due to money being tight n said ok fine, in the meantime I had met his mum n dad n seemed great to me, then his dad turned up saying I had missed payment n needed it, well cut story short his dad had lent it me n wanted bck n my bf never said, then my real dad died suddenly n I was told wud get big payout so promised him that n wrote cheques out but bounced twice, N didn't get money in end so looked weird n a liar, it caused lit of tension for ages with his parents more his dad, also I never explained properly bout my family n my step dad rang up once saying happy Xmas so they thought odd as thought he died, n had to explain that, n I think they think I lied bout family etc, well they met my parents anyway n seemed but better n I paid all back except £450 which still owe, in time his mum got close to me but his dad lot better but will say comments like my son this n that, as he only just moved out in with me few months ago n they seem lot more accepting but we live across road, but I find his dad very controlling over him, like he jealous of me way he looks at me sometimes n comments as he is loud n jokes people say ge is joking but things like me n u never had nothing in common n ur not family just sons gf n laughs but bf says ge joking with md, now they buying house next door to them n renting to us as bigger etc n good opportunity I can see but am worried I mean his dad been very nice now n paying for stuff n saying our home we do what we like, but said if owt happened to rich I wud be out as not family n laughs, n fact next door unsure but bf says he teases n does likes me what r ur views on this as I feel like he does but only nice to pls his son? Also he knows my managers partner n always know my business she does as ge tells her n finds out things vice versa gets annoying but maybe me thinking n he is fine with me but sometimes he fine other times it's like he can't be bothered to speak just my boyfriend
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how difficult and worrisome this situation must be for you. You are clearly a thoughtful person. And as you think about this situation, you are seeing how uncertain the relationship might really be.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. On the surface it seems as though you and your boyfriend have a strong bond. You live together; he's introduced you to his family and you've formed ties with his family. All that seems strong.

But you keep bringing up things about him that bring into question how strong the bond between you really is: he didn't tell you that it was his father who loaned the money, and most importantly, you sense that he is under his father's domination. Meaning that his first loyalty is to his dad and only then to you. And this has you worried. For good reason.

Why is it a good worry? His dad sounds like he's a domineering man, perhaps even controlling. And he belittles people as well; that's a sign of a controlling kind of person. They tend to belittle those they do not control other ways.

And so you are correct. Moving in to a house they own under their view 24 hours a day is not a good way to have an independent life. It sounds as though when you have a relationship with your boyfriend, his parents are part of it. If you were married, this would become even more pronounced.

One good way of seeing how independent your boyfriend is would be to say that you don't want to take the offer. And to be honest about not wanting to be under their window 24 hours a day. You want to build an independent life for the two of you.

And see how he reacts. Because how he reacts to this will tell you how he will react whenever there is an issue that might go against his parents. And if he can't stand up to them now, he won't be able to in the future. You've shown that you're worried enough about this that you're right to see if your worries are true.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks for reply, I do agree I love my boyfriend very much n he does help me with bills etc n we do do stuff on our own, but when we see his parents more so his dad he will do whatever he says, n if his dad says a comment to me it's ignored n I feel I can't say nothing as causes trouble. I have moaned about him the way his dad has treated me before and he says my fault for not paying him back n I did kinda lie but I didn't. They don't come ours much now n we live across the road, but do nip over but next door unsure how be, guess my question is do u think my bf does love me?? N do u think his dad don't like me at all n pretends? He lot better than before loads but slight comments n stuff makes me think otherwise, n does get me down as I want kids etc but we going away with them in 4 months on cruise they gave my bf money for it so he wud go, he has brother older n they bit like that with him but he lives further away
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.
Hi. Does your boyfriend love you?


This is going to be emotionally hard: yes, he loves you, but he loves you within his capablity to love. Meaning, within how he sees the world. In his world, his parents are a big part of it. So he loves you but your real question is: does he love me even if his parents don't love me?


His father doesn't seem to love you or not love you. He seems like he is pretty controlling. But is he too controlling? Well, your bf may be correct that his father is angry about the money. Possible. But you gave enough examples that it seems either way he's controlling.


So, the answer is that your bf does seem to genuinely love you but when it comes to an argument between his parents and anyone else he loves, his parents seem to usually win. So that is a consideration.



I think that a really good way to learn more is to talk to his brother. His brother moved farther away. If you can talk with him without it becoming gossip, asking him whether having distance from the parents was a factor in his decision may help you get some important information for making the decision you two have to make.


But overall, your bf seems to be genuinely caring as long as you are okay with living under the "shadow" of his parents to this extent.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, Dr. Mark

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