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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Mid-twenties, cannot meet a woman

Customer Question

I am 25, I have a full time job, but I am not very career-minded and all I really desire is creating a family life, finding a nice girl and settling down that way. I don't seem to be able to meet anyone, and when I do chat to girls at work, I cannot seem to break past that 'just a colleague'-speak.

I am from the UK, but I have tried a few different methods of trying to meet people. The problem is that I partake in things that I am not really interested in, simply to meet people, and therefore it never really works out. I always come alway feeling rubbish that I haven't met anyone, of at least been able to connect with someone other than saying Hi, bye" and smiling.

I have tried numerous different ways of meeting people, but because I am not a big mixer, I find it difficult for anyone to really take notice of me. I am one of those quiet, but über polite people who always smiles and makes an effort when spoken to. I have tried evening courses, but people are there to learn and not meet people so I come away feeling dejected and end up dropping out of the course, losing money in the process. Language classes also give off the same impression. I have been on meetup.com, but that hasn't taken off in the same way as it may have in America. The only meet ups on there are either in London or niche community groups that are a little too 'nerdish' like Dungeons and Dragons clubs and board game clubs - both of which I have no active interest in myself. I don't really have any specific passions in honesty. There are no causes that I feel strongly towards, so I am not sure what else to try with the only voluntary work I would be interested in would be dog-walking because I love dogs. Again, it is not exactly an avenue you would meet anyone in. I have to be interested in so,etching to engage with it, otherwise I will just get depressed and frustrated doing it. I wouldn't be able to stick at things such as fundraising, etc.

I don't have any real friends so meeting somebody through a connected social circle also isn't an option. I do have one person from work who makes time for me, but that is generally only to go to the cinema - and there is no chance of meeting anyone new in a darkened room. These cinema events are only very occasionally as well, say once every four or five months.

I have been on online dating websites for more than six years, but I have had no luck on there either. I have never really received messages from anyone interested in me, the messages I send are on the whole, unreplied to, despite trying to make as much effort as possible. I have had my profile reviewed by several people who give me the thumbs up after suggesting edits and I put up clear pictures. Sadly I don't think I am attractive enough for online dating so I have kind of given up with that particular medium as it has just exhausted me, and has led to bouts of depression and feelings of worthlessness.

My hobbies are quite solitary I guess. I like listening to music, watching films, really into foreign cinema espeically korean flicks, browsing the Internet, playing some video games. I don't really like sports, but I do exercise at home so I am not overweight but I am quite a slim person in comparison to the average guy.

Any help? Help that avoids the suggesting anything that relates to religious salvation and the worship of human-crafted false deities and men in the sky if you please? =]

Thanks
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly a good catch but somehow it is not coming accross to the available women in your area.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. It may be that you will have to be more assertive in letting people know that you're looking to be in a relationship. And if they know of any young lady who might be your type, could they keep you in mind and suggest it to her?

I know that this most likely would be difficult for you to just say outright. You've already said you're shy and not forward, very polite. But being straightforward and just saying it like this is necessary when you have tried the subtle ways and they haven't worked. You have to just do it.

I'm recommending at work, letting coworkers know. The person who you do go the cinema with. Family, extended family. Neighbors who you are friendly with. Yes, it sounds like networking for a job. Well, it is networking but for something even more important than a job.

It's clear that you're downcast about this and I know it seems so difficult. It really is. Sometimes the universe makes it happen quickly and easily that two people meet. Sometimes it takes effort and effort and effort. I also wish it wasn't this much effort for you, but I don't know how you can avoid it.

There is one area you mention that is promising: you exercise at home.

Well, fitness centres/clubs are one place where people meet and congregate and size each other up and where you can ask someone if they'd like to go out for coffee after their workout. Or class. The idea with fitness as a networking avenue is not new and not to be minimized.

The technique is to visit the centres/clubs at times that are available to you. I use the plural because you need to browse a number of clubs before committing to joining. You're looking for clubs that have a lot of other people working out or taking classes when you can be there. Get the feel if it's a friendly place.

And when you do join, of course you hope that women are there that you can strike up a conversation with and ask out for coffee. But men who become acquaintances are, again, people you can ask to keep you in mind if they know someone who might be your type.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
I've already tried all the avenues that the answerer suggested.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
There aren't really any places, in terms of exercise that provide any outlet. I can't even exercise if anyone is in the house because I don't like being around people when I am exercising because I look a total mess. There aren't any 'help clubs' so to speak Nd I don't particularly enjoy exercising or get any pleasure from it. The closest to a health club would be 'weight watchers' which is filled with people in the early mid 40s and 50s. Again the demographic is all wrong in the UK for these particular avenues.
Expert:  Dr. L replied 3 years ago.
Hi,
I would like to help you with your question.

You are right on in saying that taking classes and engaging in activities that don't interest you have lead to disappointment and a sense of wasted time. And...few people have real luck with internet dating. So..let's look at some better alternatives.

Dog walking: you wrote that you enjoy dogs. Great. If there are dog parks or other sites within your city that people with dogs frequent...then that's a place for you to be. If you don't own a dog, then see if a local dog shelter, pet store or pet hospital can use a volunteer. You can also see if there are people at work, neighbors, or friends who have dogs but don't have the time or ability to walk them.

In America, walking a puppy is thought to be a "chick magnet" as others will stop to comment on the cute puppy! Pet owners love their animals and so you will have no trouble conversing.

Music - you said you also enjoy music. If there are artists that you really enjoy see if there is a chat group or fan club. Even if this is online chatting..you are still widening your circle of acquaintances and one thing can lead to another.


Travel: Another way to meet people is by traveling...even if it is to the next town. Approaching someone by saying, "I'm new here, can you help me find a good restaurant?" May open the door to more conversation. Taking a tour of a city will also put in contact with other travelers...and again...one thing can lead to another.

Internet: How about going to an Internet cafe, library, or other venues that have wifi or computer access? It will be easy to strike up a conversation: "Hi, I've never been here before. Do you know the log-in information?" You get the picture...

Remember that the world is much smaller than you think. Once you get out and start a simple conversation with someone...you might be surprised the number of things you have in common and how willing one might be to talk. The world is filled with people just like you who are not the life of the party, but are sincere, kind, compassionate and caring people.

I await your response.
Thank you.

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