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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I am currently married and have been unhappy with various aspects

Customer Question

I am currently married and have been unhappy with various aspects for three years, culminating in my having an affair with a girl I have completely fallen in love with. She makes bad decisions regarding finances and I decided to not move out from the marital home and broke off with the girl. I am now distraught and feeling quite ill. I am 34 and have had 4 relationships over 2 years long and a lot of girlfriends but I've never experienced pain and doubt like this. It's so hard that I want to go back...is this normal?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

What you are experiencing is very normal. What most likely is happening is when you had this relationship, it addressed many of the needs you have in your marriage that are not being addressed between you and your wife. That might have helped you feel more whole and happy. But when the relationship ended, those emotions came to the surface and caused what you feel now.

Affairs are usually indications of issues in a marriage that either one or both spouses are not addressing. Either they feel they cannot deal with what is going on in the marriage, or they do not want to. Either way, having an affair allows for escape from the problems in the marriage and can provide a distraction or, in your case, it may fulfill unmet needs and help you to feel loved and cared about.

If you left your girlfriend due to her issues with her finances, it may be that you feel the relationship fulfilled you in all the ways you needed, but that her problems with finances overrode the good in the relationship. In that case, having to let go would force you to make a decision you do not want to make and give up the good you had in the relationship. It also may bring the issues of your marriage back to the forefront and add to the doubt and pain you already are feeling.

It may help you if you start at the root of the way you feel. Addressing your marriage first and all the problems there can help you overcome the need to have affairs by either fixing the problems or deciding if you need to end the marriage.

Another way to deal with how you feel is to focus on what you feel this last relationship provided for you. What made you feel attached to it and what do you miss about it? By addressing it in this manner, you can find within yourself what you are searching for in your affairs and maybe even your marriage. And you can learn more about yourself as well.

Counselling is an excellent option for you to discover what is at the root of your pain and doubt and how you can overcome it. You can either see a counsellor in person or there are many options on line (search online counselling). Either way, ending your relationship with this girl has trigger some deep need in you. It is also telling you that it needs addressed in some way. It is a good time to work through the issue and feel better overall in your marriage or relationships.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate











May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any more questions, please let me know.

Kate

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