Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.
Wow, it sounds truly horrible for you. It keeps reminding me of husbands I've worked with and am working with in therapy via Skype who feel that miserable. Their wives either were diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or the husbands had been spending enough time online looking up behavior similar to their wives' behavior that they got to BPD. Working with husbands of wives with BPD sounds so disappointed and angry and not knowing what to do like you sound. Has she been diagnosed with any particular disorder?
Does she see herself as having any mental health issue(s)?
If not, when was the last treatment? What type of treatment was it? Was it helpful?
I know you're staying because of the kids (also what I hear from the husbands I work with). How old are they? Are you sure it's the best for them to be in a situation like this where you're so unhappy?
Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.
as far a sshe is concerned i am the problem . not hands on with the children not on the same hymn sheet etc etc.
I go for relationship counselling but she doesnt come any more. in fact I have to leave now for my appointment.
are we able to continue this tomorrow?