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Ask Dr. L Your Own Question
Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Hello, I have been married 4 years and prior to that dating

Customer Question

Hello, I have been married 4 years and prior to that dating my husband 12 years. My issue is our sex life, obviously at the start of the relationship it was excellent. but over the last few years I would be lucky if it was once a month (I am 40 and he is 45). What I have noticed is when we do have sex is after a night out with a few drinks on board. Well last saturday night we went out with our friends and when we got home and I said I was pissed off as we don't have sex sober and I felt there was no affection in the relationship. Now he is "sulking" (which is always the case if we have an argument). Being honest he if wonderful in every other way but affection is not there. I own my own company and as you can imagine the pressure involved in that, so I have to admit that I can be moody due to stress but feel that is not the issue. He often says to me when will I make my first million so he can retire, at first I used to laugh but now I feel pressure when he says it. Overall I just feel I'll do for now and when something better comes along he will be off. Any advice would be great
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 4 years ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to assist you with your question.

Dr. L :

I can understand how frustrating and hurtful this situation is. A lack of affection and a limited sex life is not what you expected when you got married. Certainly the romantic and sexual behaviors of the early weeks and months of a relationship tend to reduce somewhat over time...but what is happening now is not fulfilling. I agree that having sober sex is far more intimate and preferable over what you are now experiencing....and that you have every right to have a honest and open discussion about this.

Dr. L :

I can understand that you were too frustrated to have a conversation yesterday...but please do get this on the calendar so that you stop holding on to the frustration and pain.

Dr. L :

Having urged you to have a conversation, I want to also offer a few ideas. Depending on what your husband says...you may want to consider seeing a marital therapist so that you can talk this out with a professional. If part of the issue is that boredom has entered the bedroom...I would like to suggest the book: Sex is Fun. This is a workbook type book that couples find non-threatening and easy to use.

Dr. L :

Now to your thoughts about his quips about you making a million dollars so he can retire. I encourage you to tell him that his quips about money bother you greatly and that you want him to stop talking in this way. You already are under significant pressure and his remarks are disrespectful. Perhaps he does not realize how this comment bothers you. I would give him the benefit of the doubt here and approach him by telling him directly that you feel hurt, upset, and disturbed when he pressures you about making money. Ask him if he realizes how this impacts you. If he seems surprised by your comment...then fine...it was innocent on his part. But if he gets defensive or upset, then you can clarify and discuss how hurtful and unfair this is to you.

Dr. L :

I await your reply.

Dr. L :

Thank you.

Customer :

Thank you, I agree with what you have to say. I think I just needed to hear it from someone else.

Dr. L :

I'm glad I could be of help to you. If you should ever need my assistance in the future, just ask for me by name and I will be notified.

Dr. L :

Take care!