How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
65591635
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now

Im 37 and Ive been in a relationship for the last 4 months,

Customer Question

I'm 37 and I've been in a relationship for the last 4 months, which I appreciate is a short time! On Sunday for some reason I asked if he had ever watched porn. I joked that I had, I suppose I wanted to see what he said - as I've not watched it. He said occassionally he had and I asked when did he last watch it and he said 2 weeks ago. I felt sick in my stomach and we discussed it. I said I felt a sense of betrayal and like I wasn't enough plus I think its degrading. He said I am enough and its not something he does regularly and that he doesnt feel the need to do it in the future. He said everyone has gone it at some point and now hes with me he doesnt need it and wont look at it anymore as its no great loss and that he has everything he needs from me. I thought I was ok with it after our discussion Sunday but I still feel sick in the stomach and a sense of betrayal. I feel also that if I hadnt said anything he would still do it. I find it really disrespectful and if he needs stimulation why doesnt he think of me?

I should say that we havent had sex although we are intimate with each other. Hes not pushed me on that as I've said sex to me should be love making and this may sound bad but he's not said those words, I don't really want to do that. I should also say that bearing in mind we've only been together a short time we have had some issues which caused arguements which have been sorted now but I suppose are still a bit of an overhang. One issue was that he had a group holiday booked and booked it with a girl friend before I was around and the arrangement was to share a room but it took an arguement and me pointing it out that this wasnt appropriate if in a relationship. The other thing was he was going to a party and said he didnt think it was my thing because there could be drugs there and in the end he also told me that his ex would be there. I was upset he wasn't upfront and he said in the past girls have got annoyed and he should have told me but he thought it would cause and issue. I said I need total honesty but I feel this has been shaken a bit. He did then also delete whats app conversations as I did over react to a message from a girl that is a friend. He said he was so worried by my reactions to any messages he just deleted them. I said I dont want to make him feel like he cant be open and honest yet I suppose not being upfront about his ex and the party has made me doubt. I've never had those type of insecurities before in a relationship although in the last one the guy did cheat on me so maybe I'm seeing the affects now. He says hes not interested in anyone else and said he wouldn't see his ex (theres 2 he is friends with) if it upset me but I dont want him to feel I tell him what to do as thats not right.

That stuff caused hurt and it nearly split up (namely the holiday stuff) and now this again is hurting me. I know I can be too sensitive but for me porn is just wrong. I am trying to understand from his perspective but it just still really upsets me that he needed to watch other people have sex
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

JACUSTOMER-7v0tja2i- :

Hi Rafael, I have spoken to you before..

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see! What did we talk about at that time?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I remember now, just finishing to read your question

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then these are new issues adding to what you were already facing before. What happennend with the past issues around the other girl and the trip?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see the vacation issue did not end good but cause frustration and fear around his priorities and caring about your feelings, and now these other behaviors just push things even more

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see you respect his freedom a lot but also he is making choices that do not seem to promote the relationship, the necessary trust and intimacy you expect from him

JACUSTOMER-7v0tja2i- :

We managed to work through the trip issue, we nearly split up over it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he chooses to go to parties where he knows there would be drugs and his ex-girlfriends, then he is willingly choosing to share with those people, when aware that it does not help the relatiosnhip

JACUSTOMER-7v0tja2i- :

he acknowledged he should have been upfront about the party and his ex and I've accepted that, its the porn that is not the issue

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, but now this happens. I did not know you did not have sex yet, but can see that you chosen that to be that way and he has appaerntly respected that, but his behavior around the use of porn does not seem to match very well your agreement

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but the fact he was not honest with this new situations around the party an his ex, is very concerning, since this time he coulc not justify it saying this was a plan made before your relationship started and that he had spent money and needed the vacation and more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He willingly chose to be dishonest and to share with her and those other people. Now if we add that fact to the current porn use, things get more concenring

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

We are not talking about a girl he met in one of his vacations that he chose to spent all that time with while already dating you, but he going and meeting his ex behind your back, and justifying it stating that you would not like the environment there.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you do not have an active sexual life, he uses porn , and presents these other behaviors, then I would say it is concerning. Did he use not to have sex with his past girlfriends?

JACUSTOMER-7v0tja2i- :

sorry i think i've confused you, there is no new issue with the party and his ex, that was a one off which happened before

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is not very common to find a male who has been sexually active and keep in touch with ex-girlfriends, uses porn and is not totally honest, to become sexually passive this easy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then the party and his ex happened before you started dating, right?

JACUSTOMER-7v0tja2i- :

no the ex at the party was when we were dating, the holiday was a pre arranged trip with a group. those things aren't the issue its the issue of porn

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, I mentioned them because they all seem to be related, it is about honesty, priorities, trust, caring and intimacy

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He has been using porn while in the relationship with you, he was sexually active in past relationships and now he is not, then it could be much more challenging for both of you, but you are right, he must have been honest about this too

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have already confronted him and make it clear how you feel about it, now it is up to him to be consistent and honest about it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

People use porn when they feel the need to feel fulfillment at that level and to get relief from different types of feelings and emotions. Of course the person's value and belief systems, play a concrete role here

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello? Are you still there?

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP
< Previous | Next >
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP
  • I Couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C.
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C.
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • TherapistMaryAnn

    TherapistMaryAnn

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    715
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg TherapistMaryAnn's Avatar

    TherapistMaryAnn

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    715
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    389
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    270
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/NP/nphbrown/2012-7-30_24048_ImYrManSerious1.64x64.jpg Dr. Norman Brown's Avatar

    Dr. Norman Brown

    Marriage Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    209
    Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/Dietcokeani/2009-08-16_115515_Annette_face_square.jpg Anna's Avatar

    Anna

    Social Worker

    Satisfied Customers:

    203
    29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/drshs/2011-5-8_214848_CIMG1275.64x64.jpg Dr. Shirley Schaye's Avatar

    Dr. Shirley Schaye

    Doctor

    Satisfied Customers:

    166
    PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions