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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I have just ended an 8 month relationship. He has issues with

Customer Question

I have just ended an 8 month relationship. He has issues with anger/frustration linked to his work as he is not as busy as he once was which he said was killing his passion for it. He works all the hours possible to promote his work. He also has a daughter half of the week and is a doting dad. We were very compatible. He told me from the start he had barriers as he had been hurt in the past and over the first few months we had lots of fun times with and without our children in tow and continued to get closer. He showed his vulnerable caring loving side. Then within a 2 week period he started to close down frequently making comments about his work not being busy but wasnt prepared to give me all the details. He left our hometown for a few days to get respite and came back worse than ever. I was sick with worry, classic signs of depression, I stuck by him and gave him company and support and slowly we became close again. I did have the worry that he possibly still held feelings for an x partner but he never talked about it and I didn't ask, he wouldnt go into detail about what was troubling him but from what he gave me it was linked to work and money. My other concern was that I would more often than not instigate our meetings as he had said from the start he didn't plan in advance due to work load and daughter and was happy for me to make suggestions. When I did he was happy to meet or he would make another suggestion if he had to work. We saw each other once a week and text each other every day. He would also go from being so kind and supportive to being blunt at times. He would apologies and admit to being grumpy and he was cynical about things from past experiences and failed relationships, he warned me about his ups and downs and he felt like he was a jeckal and hide at times and his work was getting to him and if things didnt improve in next few months the shit would hit the fan. He has had frequent health issues - fatigue insomnia full body aches nervous legs sickness and diarrhea migraines skin bacterial infection and on top of that from day 1 he has had issues with sex as he can only climax if he masterbates. He made the comment that he was surprised if even managed to conceive?? He has had this problem for 20 years and not seen about it. In saying all that the sex was good, it could last up to 2 hrs, I did not make a big deal of it as he said past partners would get "pissed off" and I orally stimulated him and had success on many an occasion. Anyway 3 months ago after coming back from both our family holidays he was down again and said he needed to sort out personal issues/worries and could only rely on himself to sort it. We continued to see eachother with and without our kids in tow had good times, would kiss and cuddle and caper but he had no libido and he didnt understand why. He would say he would go to the doctor but never get round to doing it and health issues and mental issues continued. I had many a talk with him and asked him if he wanted to be with me as I was at the point where I didn't know whether to take it personally. He said yes and said he cared about me but it was all to do with his barriers and health issues. A couple of people know him has said that he has suffered from depression for 20 years and he can talk the talk but ultimately cant deliver and doesnt know what he wants and is like a jeckal and hide. The week I had ended it I sent him a text to say I was walking away as I couldnt carry on the way things were. He had had a busy week working and decorating. He finished work late on the Saturday night and 2 mins in the door he was on facebook updating his status having banter. He has never done that before and I was aware that he accepted a girls friendship at the start of the week and his status updates increased more than normal and she was liking everything. That whole week I had very little contact with him via text and saw him for a couple of hours on the Wednesday. I am not a needy person but it was niggling me. We had a blow out via text I told him he had changed and not for the better and gave him a few home truths. He didnt take it well, came back angry and said he would see me face to face. His very blunt approach made me reply by saying I didn't think it would do any of us any good. He then softened and we discussed by text. I deleted him from facebook as I didnt want to see his updates but my friends are saying he is remaining upbeat and getting the likes that I suspected. He has text since our split to see how I am. He has said that he needs to do this for him and find himself. He was aware that it was hurting me and didnt want to do that as he has seen enough hurt in the past and until he gets himself sorted out he could not give me what I want and need. Is this just his way, will he ever change, is this just bull, has he got his eye on a new target or am I being too harsh? I will not contact him but do I reply if he does or do I ignore?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help with this situation.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Your very articulate and descriptive narrative painted a very clear picture of a somewhat self-indulgent, confused and depressed man who also suffers from sexual issues.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You did not mention anything about treatment or therapy for his various concerns, now or in the past, but this is a long-standing issue and will probably not change

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It seems that he hardly missed a beat on his "social life" on FB once you deleted him, and he will survive without you at probably the same level as he does now, as long as someone will put up with his difficult ways.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have chosen to end this relationship and say that you will not contact him. This seems like a strong and appropriate response. In order to truly put this relationship behind you, and help him to move on, I strongly urge you to ignore him, and underline that decision by blocking him from your email and phone. When the gates are closed he will have to give up eventually and move on to the next chapter of his life, as you will to yours.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

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