Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counsellor for Answers ASAP
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this painful situation.
The first step would be to come to terms with reality, with the fact that the relationship ended, which means that it was not possible to work on building a truly mutually healthy, fulfilling and happy life together.
That pushing it would have just caused further pain and suffering. Do not try to deny, avoid or repress memories from what happen or the pain caused by it...
but fully acknowledge them, with a compassionate and gentle heart, cultivating hope and confidence that while working on healing and growing from such painful experience, you would be able to build a healthier and fulfilling experience in your near future.
i know her biggest secrets in life
i have a revengeful thought
That now it is time to learn how to better respect, love, understand, support and be with yourself, to work on personal issues that led to relationship problems, in this way every pain you underwent would be worthy and necessary for real and healthy change and improvements, you would take your own power back, and with that full responsibility for your feelings, choices and actions, and commit to make thins work for you, with the help from your support system, from those close you, those who happen to be healthy and really caring about your well-being and happiness, and if necessary with professional counseling or psychotherapeutic support too.
If instead of focusing on your own healing and growing, you deviate your energy and life towards something destructive, you would self-sabotage and cause more pain to yourself and to other people's lives, not only to this person, which could never help but only create further distortions and dysfunctions for everybody involved.
Does it make sense?
and she is not dating someone 10 years older than her, i find the thought of that unberable
Sorry you said "she is not dating", did you mean "she is dating"?
she is not dating
In case that's what you meant, it could be truly painful for a person in your shoes, only you know what happened in your relationship, the core issues and what led it to its end, but now as you want to get over this relationship that ended, you would need to focus on your own healing and grieving process and not on what she chooses to do with her life, since that would not only not help you but undermine every efforts or intention you may have around your own healing process.
ok what's the best way to heal
It is what I described before, from taking full responsibility of your feelings, choices and actions, to focusing on your present, getting all the help you can from your support system and psychotherapy as necessary, to end any form of dysfunctional behavior fueling further attachment to this person and her life.
how do i make sure i do that
Sign a contract with your psychotherapist that you would commit to your rehabilitation/growth process, and be %100 honest towards him/her and your support system, for them to be able to support you in your process. Look for group therapy or at least for a support group for codependency and commit to it. Everything else is about hard and constant work on yourself , one day at a time.