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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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my partner keeps askin 2 look through my phone and he says

Resolved Question:

my partner keeps askin 2 look through my phone and he says i can look at his that he has noting 2 hide i dont tink he sould look at my phone he says everyting in a relationship sould be open and no secrets i cant understand y he would want 2 know wat my msgs say on my txts can u help please clare
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me for how long have you been dating and how long ago you have had this or similar issues?

Customer:

we have being datein 5 years he is 61 im 47 it goin on a long time he is helpin me my marrage prob the past 5 years he wants 2 marry me i love him very much i relly dont know wat 2 do

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Different individuals have different ways to address this very same concern, and the only way to approach it in a healthy and constructive manner is by both partners getting an agreement about what they consider as acceptable and unacceptable behaviors.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you have been together for this long period, what has been your agreement about your privacy and what is fine or unacceptable to expect from each other?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems, he considers total openness as a core need and expectation in your relationship, while you do think value your individual privacy, thinking that is something he should not expect you to be open about, right?

Customer:

yes like he walk in on me after i had a shower i lost it and told him not 2 walk in on me and he said y iv see u with notin on befour i could hav bein on the toilet

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In order for a relationship to evolve into a mutually fulfilling experience, both partners need to share the same set of core values and beliefs, moral standards, needs and expectations. Without this necessary match, no matter how much love there could be, the relationship would not totally work in the long run.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, how did you feel because of that situation?

Customer:

very smuderd sumetimes it like he has no stop button i was an abused as a child and i go in 2 my self as a way of copin sumtimes

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this painful experiences in your childhood, it could easily explain why it could trigger you so much and powerfully any of this behaviors. How have you been able to cope with it for the past five years then?

Customer:

im copein ok just sumetings trigger it off and memories come up i go 2 spain a lot and he hates it cos i dont bring him wit me tat another prob i just love my own company sume time spain is my haven

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then I believe you truly care and live each other but have different ways of approaching things, from the time you share with each other, to what you consider acceptable range of individual privacy and what could be shared in open ways. even your sense of personal space and intimacy seem very different, and this is why I believe there is not the right and the wrong one here, but just a lack of agreement between you. You would need to work on becoming more understanding of each others' feelings. expectations, boundaries and limits, around how you respect and support each other better, instead of triggering your past wounding and fears

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Couples psychotherapy would be the best source of support for you to work on these areas with the best tools and guidance to allow you to make effective changes and improvements, once both are willing to do your best for your relationship to last in the long run, right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

sorry my computer shut down on me it back on now yes it makes sense and thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem, You're very welcome. Thank you for replying.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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