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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hi, theres this guy Ive been seeing for like 2 months about

Customer Question

Hi, there's this guy I've been seeing for like 2 months about now but he gives quite mixed messages. Like initially he would text loads and reply quicker but more recently he will take a lot longer to reply but then when he does he is really chatty and flirty and a few times in the last few days he has done really cute stuff like come over cos I told him I was cold at night or freaked out cos I watched a scary movie and he will just come and wrap me up! Never tried anything on so it wasn't like a booty call or anything. So this gives me the impression he is still interested but then I bumped into him on a night out, all my friends had gone home so I thought I'd stay with him but he was so so so drunk like almost paralytic and a totally different person. He was all over me one minute then the next he totally disappeared leaving me behind. He told me that i'm so pretty and stuff and that I get lots of looks but then asked why I dont go off with other guys. I told him Im not like that but just thought it was an odd thing for him to say! I just got the impression if I left he might not even notice! But just tried to convince myself it was because he was absolutely smashed and his friends were even a bit taken aback at his state! But when I got him on his own he was so affectionate towards me and told me he really enjoyed just cuddling with me in bed and that he wanted to do it more often. But then he suddenly told me i was the best shag hes ever had and i felt a bit upset at that as i just dont like that word and it felt like i kind of meant nothing to him in bed :/ so so confused. I dont know if I should run for the hills or just accept people act differently when drunk and remember how lovely he is when sober!
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your problem.

It sounds like this guy was able to be more open with his feelings about you when he was drunk. It is often the case that people will say what they really feel when they are drunk. They no longer have the ability to control their emotions or their actions. So they tend to express what they think and feel without the typical filters that people use when they are sober, when they are aware of the other persons possible reactions to what they say.

So he most likely was telling you how he feels but just without reframing it in a gentler way. Also, being drunk as he was he probably was not aware of your emotions so he expressed himself totally from his own feelings, not censoring his words as he typically would.

Overall, it sounds like he really likes you. Expressing this when he is sober may be more difficult for him to do, but what you saw was most likely his real feelings, just in raw form.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX is reassuring to hear you think he does like me but the fact that he was literally here, there and everywhere all night still makes me feel doubts and he only occasionally came across to me unless I went to him and when I did he seemed pleased but he left me a lot with his friends who I don't know. I would have thought if he did really like me he would have stuck around me more and definitely not asked why I'm not off with another guy! or am I just being really picky, selfish and not thinking about the fact that he was out with his mates and probably wanted to have fun with them and not worry about looking after me?!

Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
He may not be as sensitive as he needs to be to you. Also, he could be fearful too that you will run off so he "tests" you to see if you will go off with someone else. If he has had other relationships where he got hurt, that might be why he acts that way.

Kate
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Yeah he has only recently come out of a relationship with his first gf who cheated on him as he told me since he met me he realised girls actually can be nice so I do think he has some trust issues with girls, but then again I have trust issues with guys so this is potentially why I think I am paranoid when he disappears. He's told me he really likes me but is not ready for commitment again yet but I am happy to continue as we are for a little while longer to see if he changes his mind but even though this means he can sleep with other girls I know that if he did I would be very upset. I dont know whether to tell him about this or not. Its only been 2 months so I feel it could be too soon to talk like this to him esp as i do really like this guy and dont want to risk freaking him out or loosing him totally.

Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
If you both have trust issues, then it is good to be open with each other and help each other to learn to trust. Be an open book for him and ask him to do the same for you. And talk to each other, a lot! The more open you both can be, the less you will be left to imagine what the other person "might" be doing. It is scary to do this, but so worth it and it will help you build a fantastic relationship with each other.

Kate













May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Ok, so you think I dont really have to worry about his behaviour last night too much? Also, do you have any advice on how I would bring up the trust issue thing with him gently or like what I should say?

Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
I would just tell him. You are aware of his past relationships and you can also tell him you have trouble trusting then tell him you'd like to make it better for both of you. Then explain what you mean.

I think last night, from the sound of it, seems based on his trust issues. Talking to him about it will resolve it. If it doesn't then you know he has a bigger issue with trust that may need to be resolved through therapy.

Kate
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

ok thanks :) he did remind me though that we arent in a committed relationship or anything which I am already aware of but the fact that we aren't and he was the one to bring it up surely suggests I would be allowed to go off with another (I wouldnt though!)

Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
You're welcome! Even if you are not committed yet, it doesn't hurt to set a foundation now. And if his suggestion about going off with another was trust based, then it is good to start before something bad can happen to break any trust you have now. He really seems to like you so most likely this will get more serious anyway :)

Kate
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Ok, he says he's not sure what he wants though so I'm trying not to get to hopeful or attached although that is quite hard! Just like to quickly ask also your opinion on his texting. I know text messaging is not really practical but for like 6 or so weeks he would message me everyday and reply within like half an hour -an hour tops. he then went on a family holiday so we couldnt text but he would message me on whatsapp whenever he could get wifi but then when he returned he got some uni assignments to do which he got quite stressed about and the contact became sometimes every other day and replies would take like hours and sometimes he would just stop mid convo. My friends told me to try not to worry as he did have to do this work and in the end he did actually tell me he found it distracting to have his phone on because he knew if he texted me I would reply and it would be distracting so he just messaged me when he was done for the day if he didnt think i might already be in bed. So i relaxed a little but now his essays have been handed in we have spoken everyday but he still takes a very long time to reply. Like the other night he told me he was just watching a film yet it still took him hours to get back to me. But when he did the messages were long and chatty so i was a bit confused! is this weird or is this just guys?!

Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
It could be that the closer he feels to you and the more his feelings intensify, the more fearful he gets about being close and texting you a lot. Being fearful of being hurt would cause you to back off, a lot. This issue needs to be dealt with if he is going to be able to have any kind of close relationship.

Kate
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Ok, I do have a close friend who is a guy and I spend quite a bit of time around him although the rest of our friends do wonder sometimes if this guy might be in the closet still but whenever my guy texts asking what im doing if Im with my friend ive always been honest and said im having coffee or whatever with Rowan. Recently, I told him this and he didnt reply to me and then a few days ago Rowan drove me to our uni library where we bumped into this guy im seeing and apparently Rowan glared at him! Do you think this could also be a sign? and perhaps I should stop mentioning Rowan so much?!

Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
Probably. If he has issues with trust, then a male friend is going to cause issues. You may want to deal with your friend only when your bf is around and move back a bit until you know what is going on with your relationship.

Kate








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Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Ok thanks, so when he takes forever to reply should I also take a while to show im not waiting around for his text or needy or should I not play mind games and just reply?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Sorry to ask again! But last night night he was messaging me but I fell asleep early and didnt reply. Today I apologised for mot replying and asked him how his day was going but 5 hours later I have still not received a reply! Beginning to feel like I am some sort of thing he can use when he's bored or not got anything better to do! Do you think this could be the case?

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