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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hello, for the past year I have been in a relationship with

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Hello, for the past year I have been in a relationship with a man that had its ups and downs. My boyfriend's issue seems to be that he doesnt feel that he is my priority. I do love him, however, since we have been together I have been through a lot: abortion (which he has asked me to have) and then three miscarriages. It has been an emotionally trying time for both of us esp. for me as I struggled to deal with it all emotionally. However, despite all I managed to get a promotion, I moved to another city and have tried to rebuild my strength. I love my boyfriend very much however he does not seem to be happy that I am trying to find joy/ satisfaction from other things in life. He wants to be my number one. I do not know what to do. He was supposed to move with me but he didnt. Latest he told me he will move in with me in January. As this year has been emotionally trying for me I was looking forward to going away for few weeks, recuperate and come back refreshed. My boyfriend objected but when he saw I wouldnt change my mind he told me to go, get myself, my heath on track and once I come back we will see what happens. I asked him what does he mean and he said that he doesnt know who Im going to be when I come back as. Anyhow, he cut all contact with me. I tried contacting him twice by email and no reply. I am hurt and do not know what to do for the best. I do not want us to break up. Is there any way this can be repaired?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help you with this situation.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It seems that this man needs to exercise a great deal of control over your life.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Allow me to reread this question so as to capture every nuance.. Please give me a moment.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He is trying to exert complete domination over you using passive aggression.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

By asking you to get an abortion of his child he has rejected you in a very primal sense.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

To now understand how this, and the subsequent miscarriages have affected you grievously shows a strong lack of empathy.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He seems to be afraid that is you get a moment to "catch your breath", i.e. to take a look at this relationship without him by your side interpreting for you, that you may be 'something else', meaning that you may not see him in as positive a light.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you think that this might happen if you were given some time away?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is clearly emotional blackmail to cut contact with you because he cannot bend you to his will. .

Customer:

In terms of abortion, he has been there for me and subsequent miscarriages he tried to be reassuring telling me will have a family etc. When I was pregnant he was happy yet scared at the same time - maybe of responsibility, maybe of me having another miscarriage. Few times he was angry with me accusing me of not loving but wanting just a child. He also told me once that if I have a child with him I will not love him anymore and so he will leave. Very confusing and hurtful.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Is this something really awful that has happened to you or might it be a golden opportunity to find someone who respected you, was an equal partners, and would defend you and your (his) baby with his life.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What he is saying to you is that he does not want to have a family with you and if you become pregnant with you he will leave, not because you will not love him, but because he does not love you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

In my estimation this is clearly not a healthy relationship and he does not want an equitable partnership, but rather a woman that he can control.

Customer:

I am not sure what would happen if I catch my breath. I love him and do not want to lose him. Yet I wish to have some balance in my life. Having to constantly reassure him of my love, justify my actions etc can be very tiring. Also if he doesnt like something he either withdraws his affection or communication - this is the latest technique. Or it could be his way of ending the relationship.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It does not have to be he who ends the relationship. It can be you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He has effectively ended the relationship already. He got rid of the baby you shared by pressuring you into an abortion, and now, when he cannot be at your side controlling you he uses this very wicked technique of passive aggression to bend you to his will an dominate you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that he is a narcissist. I advise that you terminate this relationship or you will fall deeper and deeper under his control.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He has no feelings for your pain, an that is the sign of a narcissist (sociopath). They can't feel or care about the pain of others and they need to either get great admiration from others or control or dominate others.

Customer:

He keeps saying that despite all he hasnt left, he is with me and by my side. Before he disappeared. I am aware that control is his issue but he tries not to be controling but than gets angry and frustrated. For example if I stay at work late or go to a meeting where there may be man he withdraws and is angry. It is tiring. Apart from this he makes me happy and I do not know why that is not enough. He acts inappropriately - latest he started to look at other women when out with me. I feel it is to provoke me but it could be that he was thinking he wanted to leave the relationship, I was not enough and he has now left it seems.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You may find my assessment to be harsh, but I would like you to read a couple of books I will suggest below, you will see for yourself.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Except for the fact that he makes you unhappy and insecure he makes you happy, and now he has a roving eye for other women.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Remain in this relationship at your own risk.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

 



















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Elliott, LPCC, NCC :



and

Customer:

He emailed me before cutting contact with me that he is sorry for all the hurt he caused me and that I should not allow anyone to hurt anymore. ??? We did see each other after that and all seemed ok. However I never heard from him since. He said that when I go away he will miss me and he wants to start getting used to not having me around.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :




Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move on by Cynthia Zayn and M Kevin Dibb

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


So what don't you understand about that statement? He wants you out of his life if he can't control you. It is a ploy to get you worried and once more bend to his will. He will keep you forever as long as he can control you and will never care how you feel. It is your choice.

Customer:

To find someone else would not be a terrible thing. However, I love him and it is hard to let go. I am not sure if he is being passive agressive, trying to punish me for going away when he is not happy for me to go away - his actions though eg not being in touch tell me he does not mind not seeing me. Or is it that this is his way of ending the relationship and I just need to accept it? I would love to talk to him but if we do and all seems fine I cannot trust him how long is that going to last. Also, considering all that happened between us this does not seem very respectful way of being with me. Unless he has made up his mind and doesnt want to discuss it anymore and prolong it. I am keeping my distance.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I suggest that you keep trying with this relationship. I do not think you are ready to let it go. Please keep in mine what I have told you, an please get those two books right away and read them. You will get a great deal of insight from them.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I have given you good guidance an I do understand that this is very difficult for you to endure. You will either reach a breakthrough in which he will change his character and nature and not behave in this manner any longer, or you will come to the realization that he will remain as he is and as he has developed over the years.

Customer:

It is hard to let go but trying is not helping either. It is making matters worse.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I shall keep you in my prayers for happiness and enlightenment. You just made a profound statement that trying is worse than letting go. Take the easier path.

Customer:

I do not understand and could you please explain why is he reassuing me, telling me we will have a family - as he knows that is waht I would like and telling me that I would love a child more and if that happens he would leave? Why does that mean he does not love me?

Customer:

His father died when he was little and he told me he wants to be there for his child/ children.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Narcissists are con artists and liars - the best. They will say whatever it takes to keep control or manipulate another person, without blinking an eye or feeling any remorse. Hard as it is to believe, they are incapable of feeling remorse.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

His child was aborted.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He just wants to control you an will tell you whatever can tug at your heartstrings.

Customer:

Thats true. He told me he didnt know it will have this consequence and we did try to get pregnant again but it didnt happen. I knowit bothers him, however, he tries to turn it around - or so it feels - because he tells me all I need rto do is relax and that I need to want it enough to make it happen. All I need is a stable, loving relationship which we do not seem to have and so we are in conflict.

Customer:

Things started to go really down the hill since i told him that Imade a really hard decision to let go of my child and now I want to let go of us. That seemed to have really offended him and he told me I hurt him with that and since than he turned.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He is a manipulator and has no feelings. Narcissists make other people their victims but then turn around and say that their victims are victimising them in some manner.

Customer:

I have been trying to break away, let go. Its true but there isalso part of me that loves him and struggles to let go.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Let him go. He only cares about himself. He willl never truly care about you. This is just an old habit, an addiction that happens and is hard to break when people have been intimate.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Go through it and you will get your life back. I can't tell you any more clearly. If you can't do it yet, then just continue as before.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I have been with you for nearly an hour and you have stopped responding.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I have given you excellent advice and two books that can help you.

Customer:

Thanks Elliott, Ill bear in mind all you have said. I will work on letting go as hard as it is but have to trust that it will get better. I do find it hard to forgive him the abortion but mainly blame myself. He is angry that I cannot forgive him. Its just all he said: that Im not the first nor the last woman that will have an abortion. He could have ended the relationship long ago but he hasnt although behaving in an apalling manner. I will use this time/ break and my time away to focus on myself and hopefuly develop a different mindset which I know I need to have. Maybe I have not been loving him, maybe Ihave been angry with him - I have been - and behaving him as he owes me something. I too behaved perhaps appaling at times: blaming him etc He did say that he just wants to relax and not always defend himself. My soul/ heart seems rather destroyed and it feels as ifI have been waiting for him to make it right. Im afraid he does not love me but feels out of obligation to give me a child and then leave me. Ijust do not know what to think anymore, Iam very hurt, angry and confused. I do not trust him and he does not trust me either. You mentioned that it does not have to be him that end the relationship but that it can be me. If I do not get in touch does that not mean I/ we have ended it?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you do not get in touch with him and do not reply to him in case he "blinks" and contacts you, then the relationship will be over.

Customer:

Thanks Elliot. I hope I did not frustrate you with my inability to let go of this. I know on an intellectual level there should be no doubt on my part what is the right thing - for me - to do.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

There is too much water under the bridge and I am afraid that the abortion issue will always be there. He is also using a childish but effective method of passive aggression because it works as long as you buy into it. I recommend that you stop giving him any power over you. I think that walking away would be the best solution, but I do not expect it to be easy. You did not frustrate me for I have unfortunately too many young or not young women (and occasionally men) in the same position. It is hard to fathom that a person can have no empathy and it is hard to break a bond. You have been GREAT. (Some people get very angry at me. LOL).

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

May God bless you and give you strength. You will have a happy family one day when you meet a mature man (of any age) who loves and respects and adores you as his precious one. Accept no less than that.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

PS - the anger is because of denial.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Dear Elliott, thank you for clarifying what he meant with the statement that he wants to start getting used to me not being around, as I am going away. It makes sense.



May I ask why when I suggested to him not to go way or go at a later stage (as he had an issue with me going during festive period) he told me that I should go away because if I dont I will blame him forever. He did not want to discuss it.



Also he told me he will not see me nor speak to me but downloaded Viber for me on my phone, so that we can chat whilst Im away. I asked him what is the point chatting whilst away if we are not talking/ seeing each other?



Anyhow, he checked my phone to see who I was speaking to - and I suspect downloading Viber was only a pretext as he has cut all communication.



Thanks



Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear Layka,

This is yet another means to control you. I believe that you are catching on.

If I have helped please leave positive feedback.

Thank you so much.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks Elliot, hm...yes, I guess he wanted to make sure what I do and who am I with whilst away. I deleted Viber anyhow since he has not been in touch.


 


I do not understand why did he did not want to discuss my suggestion of not going away, spend Christmas period together.

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