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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I was 12 when we moved to Manchester from the Philippines.

Customer Question

I was 12 when we moved to Manchester from the Philippines. I was 13 when I found out my whole family lied to me. I found out by my self that my 'sister' was my mum and that my 'mum' was my grandma. I moved to Manchester with my sister who is actually my mum along with his husband and my half brother who i thought was my nephew. My grandma moved to florida when I was about 8. I was left in the Philippines with who I thought was my brother and sister and turns out to be my uncle and auntie as well as my nephew who is actually my half brother. My sister who is actually my mum was working abroad hence the reason why she took me to Manchester. I confronted them about it when I was 14 and they said they did it for my own good because my real dads family wanted to sell me. I forgave them but im still finding it hard to connect with my sister who is my mum. I still treat my grandma like my mum even though shes in florida. I grew up with my grandma mostly til they left because my grandad was working abroad too. Then I had a boyfriend when I was 15. We lasted 3 years I broke up with him last month. We have broken up before. Last year when he broke up with me I attempted suicide and ended up in hospital. We got back together this june. He is always the one who breaks up with me whenever we split but this time i broke it off. I have been in therapy for a couple of sessions. I felt better but then after a couple of months I went downhill again and I just feel like my life isnt gonna get better. Til now im still not happy with my self and Im always nervous around people. I always feel paranoid at work and always nervous because I feel like they dont like me or something. i find it hard to reach out with people who I am not comfortable around with. I feel like they will talk behind my back. I just dont know what to do any more. I feel like a mess that will never be cleaned up.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help you with your situation.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You were no-doubt terribly shocked to learn that your sister was your mother, and your mother was your grandmother.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This kind of situation, in which a young girl has a child but it is brought up by the grandmother as the de-facto mother is a very common situation, in many parts of the world, including in some places in the US and in the UK.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The only difference if that you did not learn about this until later, and all your relationships had to be renamed, but the relationships themselves did not change. Your grandma is still your mum, spiritually, because she raised you as her daughter. Try not to worry about the definitions.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

As you describe yourself and your life, you have suffered some trauma from your past and particularly from feeling abandoned, as you were in several ways, through separation from people who were primary in your life: your grandmother who move to Florida, your mother, your boyfriend, and perhaps others.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are uncomfortable around others, have attempted suicide, and have some paranoid thinking, all of which could be signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. The chief trigger for BPD is feeling abandoned.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Some people with BPD cut themselves as it actually brings some kind of relief to them.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Many also have a short temper and can get very angry.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Still others are reckless in their living habits: spending too much, reckless driving, reckless sexual activitu/

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you have any of these additional traits, then it is a strong possibility that you have BPD, which can respond to the right kind of treatment (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) which is probably available on the Isle of Man, where it says you live, or nearby on the mainland of England.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Look at this website:

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

http://borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/bpd-destructive-paranoia.html

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


If you think you have BPD, I would like to highly recommend these two books:

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The first is a story of a young girl and how she healed and healed herself from Borderline Personality Disorder.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


and the second one is an actual workbook for self-treatment using Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) to help to cure yourself.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


and a third book that would be a must read as well if you think this is your problem.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :



You need to go back to your therapist as this was helping you as well

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Please don't give up. You can be helped.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for your reply. Ever since I was 13 when I found out I started to cut my self. I was self harming til I was 17 I stopped last year about 3 months before me and my ex boyfriend broke up. He asked me to stop since the start of our relationship but I could not resist it. Every time we argue or every time my sister/mum argue I have to cut my self because it has some kind of relief and I feel like I deserve it. I dont cut my self any more. Though I get this urge to do it but I can control not to because I just think about work and the people who are going to see it. I work as a waitress so its important to always smile and be nice. I can easily do that but then when I am not speaking to customers i feel like people are talking bad behind my back staff wise. They are all polish and they speak in their own language all the time and it makes me paranoid. But then the kitchen staff are english and i still feel the same. I feel like they talk about me and dont like me. even though I have done nothing wrong. I make jokes and try to be myself around them but I just can't. I am more comfortable being myself with people who I truly know like my closest friends. I always try to think not to think about what others think but the more i think about it, the more i get anxious. Sometimes I feel like crying at work because i just feel so unsecured and that people hate me. I can feel my nerves and my body is just so un easy when I am at work. I have worked before at a place where my supervisor talks behind my back. I lasted for 6 months. She was so bossy. I found out she was saying lies to our manager. I could not take it any more so I left. Everybody doesn't like her because she always lies. I work mornings with her and she said that all the evening staff were complaining about me that they dont wanna work with me. I was confused because I dont even work evenings and I get along with them fine when I see them around. So I asked them if its true and they said that shes lying. I had to leave because I could not be working in an environment like that anymore. My supervisor can be nice but I dont want her bad mouthing about me. I dont know.. I just feel like everyone will talk about me again. The place that I work now is okay. My manager is nice he says that hes happy with me because I do the work well.


 


I live with my mum/sister, half brother and my sister/mums husband. I found out last year that his husband cheated on her. I told her this year around august because I could not take it anymore. I know how it feels like to be lied to so I had to tell her. Ever since then Ive been wanting to move out of this house. He gave me a text saying 'thanks to you and your friends who told that I was cheating. you could have text me first and ask. I even paid for your education in the Philippines and this is how you repay me' I did not reply to that. I basically hate my life. I have some things to be thankful because I have a job and a house but I am just unhappy I really want my old self back. I want to be able to feel comfortable around people. Growing up everyone in the family tells me that I am lucky because my step dad accepted me. Last year my mum/sister slipped to me that her husband had a child in the Philippines. That made me so angry. Because everyone thinks that I am lucky but then he also had a child. My granma doesnt know about this. Just me and my sister. I kept it a secret it hurts a lot because they still tell me even now that my stepdad is a good guy and i shouldnt give him head aches. My granma doesnt also know about the cheating. My mind is messed up. I try to sort out my self but I dont even know how to start. The solution I have came up with is that I am moving back to Manchester next year to study. I just cant be here any more I might end up killing my self. My step dad and I dont even talk to each other ever since I was a kid. I always stay in my room in this house because I just cant watch the television or have a good laugh with them. I even hate seeing him. last year and the year before, I used to have really bad anger control. Every time me and my ex boyfriend argues I feel like I have to break something. I remember when we argued and he didnt even say sorry. I was always the one saying sorry. I smashed my guitar and messed up my room and started throwing things around. I stopped doing that now. Now that I broke up with him I feel like it was the right thing to do but I feel incomplete. Like a part of me is missing I felt like this for a long time now anyway even when were together but a bigger piece has been missing now. I want to get my self together. I cant live the rest of my life like this...

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.

Dear Iris,

By telling me about the cutting and the extreme outbursts of rage and anger, you have confirmed my assessment that you have Borderline Personality Disorder. You can be treated and cured.

People with BPD cut themselves because the pain of cutting actually relieves the greater pain of abandonment that they feel.

Read Rachel Reiland's book. You and she have much in common and now she is over BPD and her writing can help an inspire your.

Try the other two books which are two different approaches to self-help.

I also recommend that you find a DBT therapist near you if you can.

 

Please remember to leave positive feedback.

My prayers are with you.

Warmest regards,

Elliott

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks I will try and find a therapist. Do you know if I have to pay for the therapist? or will it be free?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear Iris,

This is probably a question for your local National Health surgery. You will more than likely have to pay something.

Here are some places to start searching:

Here is a place to look:

http://www.psychfinder.co.uk/


Here is another:

http://members.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/


Here is a third place:

http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/



And a fourth place:

http://www.cosrt.org.uk/find_therapist.asp



I wish you great success and healing.

Warmest regards,

Elliott




shtemtlmsrmsy
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks for the response. Im scared that these might not work. I'll give it a try though.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
You are vert welcome. May God bless you.

Elliott
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Do you think face to face will be better than online for treatment?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Online won't work. You need face to face for this difficult to treat disorder. It can be treated you chatting just won't cut it.

Warm regards,

Elliott

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