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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Me and my girlfriend have been going out for nearly a year

Resolved Question:

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for nearly a year and fe find ourselves in the same fight again and again. She does not trust me and has lots of things that she dislikes about me. I sometimes feel that she is just trying to have it her way for the sake of it. I used to fight loats and allways wanted to still be with her but lately I feel like I cant do that anymore I want to now suggest that we see someone that can help us to comunicate better with each other because our fight just go in circles.
We are still in our early 20s so I am not sure whether we should just let go of each other or bother holding on to it. She also repeats the same things over and over again that I have donne wrong through out our relation ship and I sure did some things wrong but so did she and I believe everyone does thats just what happends in life but why is she so hung up on it. In the start I thought she just doesnt like me that much but what she does is fight with me untill i say I have had enough and dont want to be in the relationship anymore and then she turns arund and says nice things but then it could start all over again already the next day.

Looking forward to hearing back, Thank you.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Customer:

Hi did you read my question ?

Customer:

sory this is my first time usig this service

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sorry I have just saw you posted your question and we are in a chat . I am trying to answer through this interface

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you feel comfortbale with it, we could continue, otherwise I would opt out and leave it for another expert to provide an answer

Customer:

I am happy with that. Have you experience with this relationship situation?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good. Yes, unhappily this is a common issue in relationships

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is very concerning since you have been together for a year,and apparently have this serious issues-arguments from most of it

Customer:

I know I have seen it happening with friends. I really feel like this girl is great and that is why I have been holding on for this long

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You described she does not like many aspects of you and does not trust you either

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

A person could be great in many areas, but without her really trusting you, enjoying your personality and the way you are, but expecting you to mostly please her without taking into account your core needs and expectations, I do not think the relationship could evolve into a mutually fulfilling and healthy experience.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Have you suggested her to get couples counseling in order to work on your relationship?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Her patterns of behavior, where she mistreats you this much and only becomes nice when you feel like ending the relationship, seems very manipulative.

Customer:

Just today I did say we should see someone together I sad it once before and she sad it is a bit redicoulus since we are still quite young

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What did she mean by that, saying that because you are young it would be ridiculous o get professional counseling?

Customer:

meybe if it is already that problematic what are we doing then?

Customer:

i think that is what she ment

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but what you describe here seems to show a lot of immaturity and selfishness, expecting you to please her while constantly pushing you and tormenting you about the past, while not taking responsibility for her own words, actions and mistakes, and refusing to work on making changes as a real healthy couple.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see you getting any better but worse unless both choose to take responsibility for the tole you play in this relationship. I can see you willing to do that, but not her.

Customer:

I also went that far on nearly proposing to her to make thinks easyer because I allways feel that that would sort it then. Sort of like making a bigger present to then make her be calm

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When a person becomes nice only as a way to keep you in the relationship, then getting back to the same abusive approach as long as you accept to stay, it shows you would be enabling her abuse and further dysfunction.

Customer:

Can it be that she has a split personality where she is very nice and cool and funny and and that her own issues drive her to do this?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You mean you were planning and asked her to marry you?

Customer:

Do you think that she could become better

Customer:

Yes

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would not say that, it does not seem to match such disorder but a very manipulative and immature personality.

Customer:

And can grow out of thatß

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Obviously based on this story I would never suggest anybody in your shoes to get married while having so serious issues after only a year of dating. I do not think it would help but create further issues.

Customer:

yes I got aware of that as well.

Customer:

when a friend of followed through with it out of a similar relationship

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It would be possible but only if she happens to acknowledge her personal issues, taking full responsibility for then and choosing to work on making changes, which I believe would require professioanl psychological support.

Customer:

What I am very scared about is not finding someone I like because It has been a bit messy with my last girlfriend too. I aslos think that I might be with this person still because she has this manipulative tactics.

Customer:

It is just so hard to know where I am wrong and where she is wrong. Maybe if you knew her perspective it woul look different to you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then there seems to be a pattern of you attracting and enabling manipulative women.

Customer:

how ould one break that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I strongly suggest you to get individual psychotherapy to work on yourself to understand the issues associated to this self-sabotaging pattern and work on effectively coping with present situation, for you to be able to develop healthy and mutually fulfilling relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If this is a pattern happening this long, I belive you need psychotherapy as the best way to work on it.

Customer:

I have tried that before i really did not change anything but maybe there where so many things to tackle at that stage that i wasnt able to focus on one subject. Maby at this stage I can focus it more on this specific subject

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, and a lot depends on getting a good professional too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You could find many nor even capable of handling their own lives, so it is important to carefully assess the professional's maturity, expertise, ethics and consistency effectively supporting you the way you need.

Customer:

Ok thank you that was very helpful I will suggest to her to go and see someone together and then that person hopefully will be able to look at the bigger picture.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good! You're very welcome. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

Great

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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